Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Why Romania?

What in the world?!!!

Today was so awesome. I got to see people be brave and donate to this cause- basically I got to see God move- how cool is that??

So I'm sure some of you are like, "Say whaaaa?" How random is this chick wanting to jetset to Romania!? Doesn't she have like a baby and kid and stuff?? What up with that!?

Let me explain a little more.

 I've been praying like I said in the previous post for God to point me in the direction of a mission trip. And it became clear to me through prayer that I should keep my focus on what is already a focus: ministering to young girls to let them know their true worth in Jesus and their God given loveliness. Check.

I've been looking at mission trips provided through my church and nothing hit home to me.

That's when God planted "Manna Worldwide" in my brain. I've always heard my "Bonus Dad" talk about the orphanages he's helped build in the Ukraine and Romania with this organization. And so I searched through their current offerings and this trip came up!

I saw these girls and immediately grabbed my phone!

Aren't they just so lovely!? YES!

The trip will take me to a "Gypsy" girls home in Romania as well as to a Bible Club for children there where lots of families with lots of kids like 150- will come to hear the Word and play.

I'm going solo from Houston to London and then will meet up with a church from Virginia along with the trip director from Manna Worldwide and one other person from Pennsylvania. I'm hoping she will be a she so I can befriend her. BEFRRRRIIIIIIEEEEENNNNDDDD HER. That was weird. Watch her hate cheese or sci fi or cakes (that has happened to me- it never went anywhere from there and it was a guy...) and then I'd have to reassess. Do you like how I've already pre-dumped my only future friend over a fake falling out over food differences!?

So I shared with the trip director my heart for girls-- specifically my mission from God- Blues Brothers reference- to let every girl know she is LOVELY because she is His through verses and lessons that are girl relevant in the Bible. And basically it will be me just pouring out Jesus love on these girls.

God has told me He would provide! He is going to have to provide even more than all the funds- but also confidence and courage!

I've never been on a mission trip.
Never been to Europe.
Had to look up exactly where Romania is on our Ol' School Globe (It says USSR y'all!).
Don't have a passport- applying tomorrow after I retake my pic (apparently tank tops are controversial!-- thank you friend who told me this!!).
My 7 yr old is none too pleased, but is coming around to the idea...
And I hate to raise funds or solicit money. I had a pampered chef party once and sweated like a popsicle in August in the Katy Mills Mall parking lot.

And I just gotta say thank you to everyone who doesn't think I'm crazy like a fox. I am and y'all are sweet. But seriously, thank you for your prayers- the best gift. Thank you for the encouraging words. And thank you for your donations!!! I'm giving away my coveted photography tips to anyone who donates $50!!!!

Here's my fundraising web page... Did I mention I only have 4ish days left to raise the rest!

So that's the news! Thank you for being a part of this journey with me!!!!

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

I've Lost It. Please Join Me!

If God wants me to go and spread His Good News to precious, lovely girls in Romania then I have less than 6 days to raise all the funds. I've lost my mind completely. Will you please help this become possible? I know it's nuts!!!! To be honest, I'm scared!

But I've been praying for a way to spread God's message to girls that they are LOVELY because they are His and then I saw this trip to visit a Girls Home in Romania as well as help lead Bible Clubs to the Gypsies there and now I'm asking for Big things from our Big God.

If you would like to pray and support- I'm so grateful in advance! Thank you!!!

Get Gillian to Romania

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

That Thursday: Hoping in Grief.

Tomorrow will be six years since I've seen my dad on earth.


With this blog, I try but I know I fail ("We all stumble...") to purpose my posts for "building others up" a la 1 Thess. 5:11.

 You know what's interesting? I get a lot of hits on a post I wrote several years ago: Teaching Kids about Heaven.

It's not me that is doing the teaching, it's the Bible. And honestly we Christians are being bullied on this certainty. There is major fear concerning this topic, naturally, the topic of death, passing on, etc. And I completely understand it.

But I also understand that in that fear and bullying, the ultimate bully, the devil wins. And I do not mean that in a facetious tone. I fully believe that the devil is real. Funny that as I was typing this sentence I got this weird message on Blogger: "An error occurred while trying to save or publish your post. Please try again." Oh, I will keep trying.

Because you need to know, without doubt, and your kids need to know that "death has lost its sting."
54 When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: “Death has been swallowed up in victory.”[a]

55 “Where, O death, is your victory?
    Where, O death, is your sting?”[b]
56 The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law.
1 Cor. 15:54-56
  
As Christians, we have victory through Jesus Christ over death. 

 Yesterday while we were driving Leelah began to divulge her confusion regarding Tornadoes. Leelah has bouts of anxiety about certain issues: flu shots (she's already worried for a 3 sec. shot in Sept.), random things, and tornadoes.  We all have things we have to work on for our missions here on Earth, this is just one of hers and it's been one of mine as well. 

She asked why God would allow horrible things like Tornadoes to happen. She just couldn't wrap her head around it. 

A dear friend gave me a wonderful, wonderful devotional about 2 weeks after my father graduated to Heaven. The One Year Book of Hope by Nancy Guthrie.

Up until this moment, I was in my late 20's I had not watched very many sad movies and I had only been to one funeral. It was natural for me to omit deeply sad events in my life. To me, I was protecting myself, but ultimately I was stunting my growth in learning to process grief. Process. Not get over. You do not get over grief. 

Anyone that tells you that is not a friend who has experienced or grown through trials of grief. Their intentions may be the kindest. And that is another thing, for those grieving, get ready to be a Grace giver. People will not understand your pain, how can they? They will forget. They will ask too much or too little and you will have to cut them some slack. You might want to prayerfully ask for help with that. I sure had to.

In the book there is a particular devotional (that's just a verse or thought usually written in a devotional book designed to get your mind focused on God and it gives you a little nugget of knowledge) that talks about why bad things happen to good people. This resource was huge for me in my grief.

So I quickly prayed for God to help me explain to this little one, to build her up, to encourage her that God knows what He is doing even when it seems so horrendous. "ALL things work together for good for those who are called according to His purposes." Romans 8:28

We talked about Gigi (my dad) and how he had not known Jesus personally for 60 years. God used the storm of cancer to bring him home to Him. I told her that Gigi could see Jesus when he had cancer in people bringing us meals, people paging his prayer pager, us praying continually for him, people loving on him, random money from kind people (God) showing up, etc. He was surrounded by Jesus. I told her it was the sweetest times even though it was the hardest. Just like the disciples. Joseph. And so many more. 
I think she got it. She told me she did. I can't worry about it. I will just have faith that God will work it out in her heart with the Holy Spirit. 

My mom, dad and I were sitting in Murphy's Deli inside Methodist about 5 days before my dad graduated. We were trying to grab lunch, but none of us could eat. We didn't know at the time that the cancer had returned, it should have been obvious as my dad weighed 88 lbs at that point. 4 months prior he had the cancer on his bone in his hip and had a hip replacement. I don't know why God kept us from knowing it had come back with a vengeance that week. The devil has tried many, many times to beat me up about this. God won't let my heart succumb to this spiritual battle. 

This was the last time we would eat together as a family. 

And my dad looked at us and I now know he was aware of what was happening. I was not. I just wasn't and I don't know why. Forever optimistic I guess. 

We were waiting on a room for him in the hospital because he had a nasty bout of bronchitis he couldn't shake. He looks at us, and asks if he was going to be okay. I assured him he was going to be fine. How tough he was. He started to worry more aloud. He never did that. Finally, I reminded him that he knew Jesus, "Right dad? Remember?" 

"Yeah I know." He said. This is his testimony if you have time. He accepted Jesus one month prior to his passing with the help of my mom and I'm sure, hundreds of friends praying. You are never too late to know Him. 

He had said his last words several days prior/ They were very strained and so precious, "I love you Gilliebob." I used to bob my head while learning to walk as a baby. 

I was at home when my mom called. I was really sick with a stomach bug and had been sleeping at the hospital and was told I needed to go home and rest. I hate that I wasn't there.

 I cried all the tears in my body. John got me off the ground and we called my best friend, Lesly to come and watch our princess. 

I could only cry and say to her, "It's okay." And she with the words she always has said, "No, it's not." It was exactly what I needed to hear. 
  
I have no words about what I saw at the hospital. It was surreal and I just know he was gone even though he was right there. He was with Jesus I just had to keep saying. 

The kind chaplain came and held our hands and told us about perhaps starting a new tradition, like planting a tree. We took that to heart and planted a rose bush in honor of him on the one year mark. 

Because I'm a Christian, hope defines my life. And that's why I will end by telling you that my dad visited me in a dream a few days after May 29, 2008. He was smiling. There was gold light everywhere. He was restored. He told me, "I am okay. I love you." 

It pardoned my heart from the horridness I felt telling him that he was going to be okay. He really was! 
It also helped take away the horrible image I had of the shell of the man who had always been the strongest. He was healed. 

I know God used that as a vision to give my heart peace. It was a miracle. You don't have to believe, I do. 

This past Spring in Lovely Girls Club, I got to talk about Jesus' BFF, Lazarus. And this morning I reread his story again. Highly recommend- John 11. Something I realized today was that it was that event, Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead (4 days of death in fact) that seemed to be a real turning point in the conversions of many Jews. It spurred even more interest in The Way (Christianity) and it also drew a lot more heat from the Pharisees, the non-believing Jews.

The death of Lazarus was one of the tipping points of Jesus being crucified which was the way we, that believe, could all be saved from sin forever and have that victory over death.

Yet another demonstration of God using bad things for good, the "saving of many lives." Gen. 50:20

Have hope friends.

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

J & G Go Full Nerd. Comic-Con 2014.

Ever since we met each other Sci-Fi has been a thing for my huznand and I.

Before we dated, John actually proposed to me at the Bryan Walmart. At least it was a Supercenter! We were with some fellow Aggie Howdy Camp pals, shopping for overalls I think, and I stopped to gander at the videos particularly these beloved cinematic masterpieces:





So naturally, he knew I was legit and asked for my hand in marriage right there in the movie aisle. And then later when we did start dating this happened:
I think I've mentioned that we entered ourselves into the, at that time, Shadow Canyon Costume Contest and we got second place after the major lame: "Cereal Killer." Whatever, moving on...

And for more qualification, while most children were watching Smurfs (I totally watched it too) I was watching

:
And I was best friends forever with:


We've ALWAYS dreamed of going to a Sci-Fi Convention, you know where we could align with our people.
And this past weekend, with the everloving help of Nana and Poppa we made our pilgrimage a reality. Sans the little xenomorphs... Just too much going on for those little scrappers!
 First about Dallas:
The Comic-Con was at Dallas. Now let's park right there.
 Dallas is fancy.
We are Houston folk.
And there's always been this thing there. They are Neimans, we are at our best, Foley's/Dillards/Macy's. Oh sure, we have a Neimans (we used to have 2!), but we will only ever be FDM. And they, Dallasites?, know it. They complain about our traffic, because Houston is gosh-awful crowded, but Dallas has what we think is the most confusing highway layout. Their exits happen upon you SO FAST. So we spent I'd say like 2 hrs just trying to drive around and park and this and that.

Dallas is much easier on the eyes.
There I said it.

Dallas is less crowded.

But Dallas has cold weather whereas Houston just plays around with the concept 2 weeks out of the year. So to me, Dallas is out. It might as well be Neptune.

We were Lofty.
So we go, we stay in a loft. We pretended we are still relevant and somewhat young.
We even went to the bar up on the rooftop. Just typing that made me feel as foolish as the FREAKINLOUDMUSIC and yuck cig smell everywhere and there was this Teach America Convention across the street that brought all these young thing teachers who are teaching America to the aforementioned SkyRoofTooCool bar top thing, but what they were really teaching was how to wear short dresses. I just wanted a pretzel. Do bars sell pretzels?
I really just wanted to go see a movie. Dang it.

The Comic-Con. 

We need to go to another one. Why? Because as soon as we got in line to get in, my mind shut down.



I just couldn't process:
All the outfits---- BY THE WAY. I wanted to dress up as the Crystalline Entity (an obscure TNG alien/obstacle) and John nixed it. In a way, he was right. Just getting around the whole mess was enough for our first time.
All the people to watch-- there was a guy in I guess some crazy Overload with horns and a robe and a staff and all that and he was in the atm machine line- it made me laugh so much!!!
Where to walk-- we didn't have a plan. Too much.
The fact that we were living out a dream.
HOW WE WERE GOING TO MEET LEVAR BURTON. 
 I'm not going to do justice to this.
We met LeVar Burton.
Geordi.
Reading Rainbow.
Roots.
He is as nice as he appears. Duh.
I was just like this:

THE WHOLE TIME.
Mouth agape.
And it was crowded. Like fire hazard crowded.
And I am beginning to fear crowds due to my lack of depth and peripheral vision (10 eye surgeries- always remember!).

The first thing we do is get in line for our photo op with the LeVar Burton, world's nicest person. I had so much in my mind to say to him. But instead I was socially awkward. Shocker.
I think I told him: "You're awesome."
Wow, he's going to remember that.
The show, Community, has a whole deal about how Troy meets LeVar and just can't deal with it. That basically is what happened to me:LeVar Burton Overload Moment.
Watch this if you have a second... It is perfectly what happens when you meet a celebrity you have loved since childhood... It's like in Neverending Story when Atreyu is faced with who he is by walking through the 2 statues. Yes. I'm happy with that description. That is what meeting one of your childhood heroes is like.

So here is the social awkward proof of one of the best/worst moments of my life: BUT FIRST disclaimers:
1. My shirt is NOT doing me justice. I knew I didn't like side-sag shirts! I'm not expecting. I was expecting a pretzel, but it never came to pass.
2. My arms are melting.
3. My glasses are covering my "special eyes."
4. I'm a photog who doesn't know a thing about how I personally should act/pose for photos.
5. I couldn't contain my feelings.
6. John looks awesome no matter what he does, says, acts, farts, whatever. He is always awesome. I try so hard! He just is.
So here it is, you've been warned:

LeVar couldn't be nicer, cooler, more awesome. He is the real deal. And I went around saying aloud, "Well we are best friends with Geordi now soo..... Yeah..."
I also said stuff like, "I know you all want to take pics with me- please one at a time." No one laughed.

I LOVE LEVAR BURTON Y'ALL!!!!!!!!
In the LeVar Burton, meet your destiny, line was  this SUPER SWEET girl was behind us and I wish I would have lamented with her more about the beautiful gown her mother sewed for her- yes!- that was the SPOT ON replica of Kaylee's dress from Firefly (Shindig episode):
She was also upset at how we just didn't have enough time to tell LB how great he is! Too much.
So after that mind melding we went on to get our autograph (you pay for all that btw) from Brent Spiner, aka: Data.
DATA FROM STAR TREK THE NEXT FREAKING GENERATION. 
I again just stood there and almost drooled out of my mouth at him as he asked for our names.
You know my name is pronounced: Hard G Gillian. Well he goes on to talk about how he knows Gillian (Soft G) Anderson and I go, "Can you please tell her how to say her name!?!?"
Great.
Cool moves Gillian.
Tell Data to tell Gillian Anderson how to say her name correctly.
After that, I could not come back from this mind shutdown awkward barfing so I just went comatose through the rest of the day.
And no pretzel.
But it was still awesome.

We watched Nathan Fillion in action.
Pretty sure this pic was taken illegally. Our bad.

He is an entertainer. He seems to be like he is on his shows- funny, endearing, someone you want to hang with, etc. Next time, we will get his autograph as he seems super friendly and really works the crowd.

Here's a list of some of the stars that were there: ANd what I think of them by looking at them for an average of 40 sec.
Marina Sirtis- Troi- TNG- she was beautiful!! You could tell how nice she was just from looking at her!!
Michael Dorn- Worf- TNG- he seemed like his character...
Christopher Lloyd- Doc Brown!!!!!!
William Shatner (he wasn't there on Saturday)
Denise Crosby- Tasha Yar- TNG
Alice Cooper- did you  know he's an outspoken Christian??!
Michael Rooker- Merle from Walking Dead- he seemed really cool. Wore shades.
Stan Lee- you could not take any pics nearby him whatsoever.
Beth from Walking Dead- she was the size of a fairy. I barely saw her!
Jewel Staite- Kaylee- Firefly, Serenity- she's precious!
Summer Glau- River- Firefly- Serenity- she's ballerina-ish!
Adam Baldwin- From so many things-- Firefly- didn't get a good look, but pretty sure he was awesome to meet
Sean Maher- Firefly- seemed genuinely nice!
Gina Torres- Firefly - didn't see her, but sure she had an air of awesomeness
The guy who played the Governor on Walking Dead.... Still mad at him.
Jonathan Frakes- Riker from TNG- Um, he's awesome.

So guys. It's getting late in the day. Here's some pics. Note we used our old point n' shoot as we didn't have time for the big camera and all that requires. It was so crowded and I was a total girl about that.
 Wait, first let me expand these wings that took 725 hours to make.
 You know, just chilling.
 I told you it was crowded. This is the area where all the stars were.



 Me and Barf. He's his own best friend.
 He almost got his arms ripped off.

So jealous of these people- They might as well been THE TMNT characters!!!!!!!

SO yeah. I'm still recovering from the mental workout. And the physical to be honest.
It was an overload of fun and the best part about it was being with Johnicles. He is THE coolest of all the people we saw. The funniest. The most creative. And I love him so much.

Sci-fi forever y'all.




Monday, May 12, 2014

I'd Like To Order One INCREDIBLE CFA Employee To Go Please.

This is a little story of Customer Service at its finest. 

Today I picked up my catering order from the Katy Mills Chick-fil-A operation and I almost came home with the nicest college-aged-employee ever.
Like almost adopted/Christian-abducted him and became his benefactor for life except I'm not "of wealth."

Y'all.
Go visit him now.
If you are in the vicinity of Texas, you need to leave your sitting position and head on over to the Katy Mills Chick-fil-A and meet Christopher T. He might still be there!
I know his last name because I asked him for it when I was profusely bragging on his awesomeness. I had to know it for when I called the "Operator" who sounded equally as wonderful herself.

It was 10:30ish and the weather, balmy. Wind. I hate you. Breeze, you are okay, but Wind- lame.

I had to pick up a catering order for a lunch- wait- I know this is making me sound important. I'm not, so don't get crazy. Let me just dash those hopes! I do think it was a baller move though.

SO I got Squishy (our darling nugget in her own 5-6month way) in the stroller and there's the aforementioned Wind and I see the Chick-fil-A uniformed Angel briskly walking/running to the door. I almost started to back that stroller up (It's a big, fine stroller...) and then I realized that this boy (can I call him that?? Is that weird? I haven't owned my age yet. I'm 33. Someone tell me is that weird?) was opening BOTH doors simultaneously for me.

I thought, oh surely he was going outside himself and just happened upon this already-tired Wind hating mother- NO. As I said, "Oh thank you! You are a guardian angel!" He goes---- wait for it----
"You're welcome. No, I'm just a Chick-fil-A employee!"

Shut.

Wait.

At this point I'm already mentally writing his letter of recommendation for a GM position to Mr. Cathy himself.  BUT IT GETS BETTER.

He goes on, "Yeah, I saw you coming and thought I'd come help."

Y'ALL. HE LEFT HIS CASHIER AREA AND CAME AND GOT 2 DOORS FOR ME. Saint.

He then proceeded to kindly fill the catering order and not mind me just hanging out while I bottle-fed the Squishy. Another sweet girl-employee asked me if I wanted something to drink. I don't know if she meant for free or for purchase, but whatever totally sweet. I declined.

Baby done eating- so I say casually how I will need help to the car and you know our guy was ALL OVER IT.

He made - are you ready for this- 3 trips to my car and back.
One to get the bags to my car- which he helped load.
Two to get my bag of ice that I kept harping on about. Maybe I was just really glad I finally remembered ice.?? I have issues. Ice-sues.
Three- and this is the best- he asks, "Did you get your sauces? Is it okay if I check for you?" (Me- stunned, "uhhh yeah, sure, you are the best- do you have a mother??") Turns out, I was missing the Chick-fil-A sauce (I now know it has mayo cleverly disguised in it. Nice try Mayo. Well played, but you are still the condiment of the devil...) So the 3rd trip is to get my sauce and bring it to my car.

This kid amidst all the helping tells me he is hoping to go to Texas A&M University. You know, where Jesus went. - Well I jest, I went there and I think it's where the worlds nicest people go. So.... OF COURSE HE IS AN AGGIE. At this point, I'm telling him "Good luck and Gig 'em!" and also calling our lawyer to add him as a beneficiary.

The sweetest.

So I naturally called the store to brag via phone on this "Just a Chick-fil-A employee Saint." I get the "Operator" who I told all about my adventures with Christopher T. the nicest employee in the world. She said she'd not only make sure it gets back to him, but will also tell her whole staff so it can serve as an example! Smart leader!!!

This is how you serve others people. He went above and beyond for this tired Mama. And I am heralding Chick-fil-A for hiring people with integrity and kindness and with a heart committed to excellence!

Thank you Lord for Chick-fil-A!


Thursday, May 1, 2014

What it's all about.

It's been almost 2 months since our Squishy Annie came home. The joy is so immense y'all.

And since it was Annie time and we were adjusting to the system that is foster to adopt through CPS/DFPS (remember my last post about the visitations {which have been ceased- PRAISE!} and the hearings, house visits, paperwork, etc.), it was decided and realized that God led me to take a break from my photog business.

 I mean, I still had the facilitating- God leads- Lovely Girls Club and parenting and house stuff and cheese eating and this and all the thats. And I got to use the word: "hiatus" which made me feel plumb fancy.

Since being on hiatus things have happened. Things meaning realizations.

That whole wife thing.

Let me backtrack a little here.

At the beginning of 2014, I was reading a book, Unglued by Lysa TerKurst.

In the book she talks about the pressure she had felt to be whatever image of a wife she had in her mind and how that image did NOT line up at all with the day to day reality of it all. Anyone relate much to this grandness?
I do. Y'all gotta know- I'm a freaking mess and I'm tired of it!
  • Never having dinner ready or made or planned or thawed or thought about. 
  • Never having all rooms clean at once and laundry done- this is an impossibility. For sure. 
  • Zero energy from 5pm-7pm PRIME FAMILY TIME. 
  • Just being un-gameplannish. 
  • The worst at time mgmt. 
  • Hair unbrushed- but really, brushing wouldn't help anyway. 
  • That glazed look in my eye- oh wait, that's from all the eye surgeries. I've had 10. Have I mentioned that before?? 8-)
So....
When she said this, I was so relieved. This book is incredible by the way. It's up there for me with Boundaries: 

 and Captivating:


Okay I didn't mean for that to get into a book advertisement, but you should all read those books asap and then come back and read this in 2 years.

She talks about what released her from this horrific pressure of being the perfect wife - pressure that my husband has NEVER put on me but the stupid enemy has- by asking her hubby to pick 3 things he would like her to attempt to accomplish that would help a brothah out.

Let me just go ahead and say that I value my God given role as a wife. Yes, like Candace Cameron/DJ Tanner Forever, I support God's plan for what a wife is-- (You really need to read Captivating and their take on what the Bible says "helpmate" means)-- to be my husband's helpmate.
And I'm also the kinda gal that is all about pouring into other gals and telling them they can do anything with Jesus!
Yes. You can be both of those. It is possible.
Leelah beat a boy in a running race the other day and I have to say I did un-humbly celebrate with her. It just so happens he is one of those kids that is a rudey-patootie. I'm sorry I'm besmirching another kid, but he's been asking for it. We all know the ones.
Please help me, Lord. 

So he gave me my 3. I had to press him for it. I'm tellin' y'all he is so chill and easy like that.
He said he'd like to eat more at home.
----- Translation--- I need to plan--- have time to plan---- have time to cook----TIME!
To not overcommit so much.
----- Translation--- I need to plan--- I need to really consider what I'm saying no to when I say yes to something--- more home time--- TIME!
And this was the hardest to get out of him-- to keep the high traffic areas tidy.
Johnicles is saint. He cleans up after himself. He always does the dishes- untold. He helps with the girls' feedings, diapers whatever! So I totally get this. And what do I need to do it-- TIME!

That whole work from home thing.
Working from home is everywhere and I know lots who succeed with it.
I do think it can lead into a very subtle trap. And that's all I will say on that.

I'm so thankful for the business that God made out of my creative heart. And how He healed my eyes so I could use them to give Him glory and to help our family become debt free (twice!).

But there are so many things that go into it that are so costly. 

This whole break I thought was because of Annie.

But what happened was I saw what I have been missing with Leelah.

There are women that can manage both and enjoy it and work from home and keep that separated. There are women that have to work out of the home or they want to and I'm not judging. God bless those women. If He calls you, He equips me. I'm not called to do this.
That is not what He has planned for me. Not at this time anyway.


Leelah has needs that have taken me a while to learn.  She's emotionally intense- which has wonderful positives and needy negatives. She's a quality-time person. That's her love language (another great read!!).
There's that word again:
time. 
It's all about time.  She needs it. My home needs it. I need it.

So this photog business- it's a Sat. morning and afternoon gig ( I quit doing Sundays a long time ago out of what God put on my heart as to keep that day set a part). BUT the editing is forever and ongoing and at every free time-- but I never complained because I was glad and loved the creativity of all of it. Plus, there's the whole running a business hat. Not too big of deal for me, but let's not forget it's a business.

This past weekend we got to stay home on Saturday morning instead of festivals or errands or etc. and I just did crafts with Leelah. I noticed she kept saying: "I just love this time. I love you. This is so fun."

We don't get to play like that after school because of life happening. 

That sweet Saturday moment my heart was sad about realizing the past I had lost and overjoyed at the chance of the future. I knew then that my business is no longer.
I need to get back in business with my family. 
The break has been awesome. Rooms are starting to get more organized. Starting. Home dinners are more frequent. And even the procrastination is getting better. 

Other piddly things that aren't so piddly.
And don't get me started on the sales taxes and the end of year taxes. Small businesses are so oppressively taxed. I'm only taking home around 30%. So all that time to earn 30%. 
And I was never made to run the race. I always open the door no one is using because I hate to go through the crowd all going through the door. It's just the way it is.

I want to be creative on my own terms I guess is what I'm trying to say.

So the pause has become a stop on the VHS of my business. And I'm finally taking deep breaths.