Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Too Many Feelings Bomb

I have so many feelings right now about things I have to blog or I'll burst. I'm way past caring who/if anyone reads these.

And to tie in to the last posts-
We are on our 8th week of the Nottingham Nichols School of Learning and loving it! Yesterday I had L use her iPod (We made her save up for it- I don't know what I need to rationalize the purchasing of it. I'm still on a, "Gameboys are expensive!!" mentality level.) to create a news report on the beginnings of the Yamato Dynasty in early Japan. Story of the World  breezing by guys- not trying to be all smart-pretentious like I'm making her learn about ancient dynasties or no supper!!!
(Sidenote: if anyone is looking for a suburban mom that dabbles in funny/haranguing life escapades that would love to venture to Japan- sign me up!! I've always wanted to go. Seeing the Grudge didn't hold me back!!)
But back to my brilliance of coming up with that report idea:
I blacked out. I don't know how that happened. It probably was a collaboration of guardian angels/Holy Spirit/L my student going, "I should make a news report about something!"

Pellets- hormone therapy.
I think I googled myself out of continuing with these. I don't like to quit anything, but I also don't like side effects... Moving on. Have I mentioned how hard it is on your body hormonally to have a hysterectomy at 26? I am looking forward to seeing a naturopath soon. I am so tired of doing the synthetic hormones for life approach. I know God is on His throne in this! The huzzy and I are working hard at making changes. Because we are old now and our bodies have decided to just be jerks.

I did my own hair highlights and no one noticed. I'm now calling them my, "ninja highlights." Subtly beautiful. Just go with it.

I'm still taking the response, "No." to a whole new level when it comes to new commitments. I'm all Meghan Trainor right now, and I kinda like it. But it also makes socializing real hard. I just need so much margin mentally and physically in my schedule these days. I do miss my friends.

But the real life pickle is in our precious and spicy little one.
Thankfully she was granted access in the PPCD- Preschool Program for Children with Disabilities.
This should be huge for her. It's preschool beginning at age 3. Now, I can tell right there judgment might commence.
"They're so young. Do children really need preschool at that age? They're only 3."
Yes, I completely get that and thought that before I had a child with autism spectrum disorder/sensory issues/temperament issues.
These kiddos need/crave/kill for routine. It has to be everyday to create new brain pathways to help them eventually find their place in the school setting/social settings.

At this point, I am thinking we will take the homeschool path with her after we give PPCD and possibly Kindergarten a try.

It is so hard.

I love her so much.

Ergo it is so hard.

3.5 hours of testing by 6-7 professionals in the school system/therapy world and they come back with "non-categorical-- autism." Meaning, at the age of 6 they will revisit her and see if that label has changed. This is where they put the, "I don't knows" in PPCD. I felt like we went through all the trials in Neverending Story- complete with these:

I am SO THANKFUL they were able to see past her beautiful strengths, her disarmingly cute, her beautiful blue-green eyes and saw that she struggles to self regulate. She has to work 1,000,000 times harder than typical children and it is beyond for her body's systems.

If people only knew her story. And that is just it. I want to level the playing field for her -- "She's acting out because she has had too much sensory things or not enough! Please be her friend!"
"You don't understand her backstory! You don't know how hard she had to fight in the womb! Just know she's doing her best!"
"Please stop asking if she has autism!!! Just love her the way she is and accept it and move on to help her!" -- that last one was for me personally and the powers that be cornering me in front of all the other parents at the door of her preschool to ask why we are putting her in PPCD.

I just want people to stop treating us differently while at the same time to treat us differently. It is just so hard.

It has been a year since we received the ASD (Autism Spectrum Diagnosis). October 8, 2015. I have felt like a zombie ever since honestly. Slowly coming back.

On the one hand I'm a cashew- so very thankful for the diagnosis and on the other side I'm a pistachio- oh my gosh she is having so much trouble and some days she doesn't and I don't know anything.
Mixed nuts completely.

I drop my little one off to a day out program and I see the other moms. I used to be them. Talking about typical things. I used to resent their perceived life ease in their active wear.
Their playdates where typical things happen.
Their Yukons. (Not entirely resent those, because I'm mighty proud of our POP- Paid Off Pilot!)
Their lunch plans.
How they can just run errands as they please.
How their kids don't fight looking at them in the eyes or holding their hands to cross the street.
They don't have to continually talk about, "First, then" schedules to prepare their child for EVERYTHING and God help you if you skip something.
They aren't telling their child- "PLEASE STOP YELLING!" as they leave the parking lot when they are taking a different route home because their child has completely memorized all routes everywhere and will mentally break if there is a train and a detour is needed.
Or maybe they are?

Why won't anyone call me to ask how we are drowning?

BUT I am NOT RESENTFUL GIRL anymore! I took/take that to God. Only He gets it truly and thinks I can do this. I can love this. I DO LOVE HER SO MUCH. I KNOW this is not her story. This is HIS story. She is a Phoenix! She will rise from the adoptive trauma ashes and she will- she is- doing BIG things in this world by just living everyday, trying so hard! Genesis 50:20 for life baby!

I cast my cares on the One who can take them and won't let me fail!

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.- 1 Peter 5:7
For He will give His angels charge concerning you, To guard you in all your ways. 12They will bear you up in their hands, That you do not strike your foot against a stone. 1-- Psalm 91:12

And I am not Resentful Girl, because that is an enemy tactic. If I am resentful, then I cannot be helpful to the other mamas out there that have children who are disregulated and have already experienced 10 full scale meltdowns just trying to get to Hobby Lobby to retain some sort of shred of normalcy for their other kids that didn't ask for this. And I know there are others out there no matter how they look in their Ray Bans.

I see my oldest. I don't care to brag, but golly gee she is a certified sibling rockstar. Sure, sometimes she just can't as we all- (I have "mommy headphone time" at about 4:00 pm each day where I watch Gilmore Girls by my dang self on the laptop with headphones)- BUT this girl "agape" loves her sister.

The other day I watched them in the backyard with raw awe at what God is doing. A 10 yr old and a 2 yr old- that alone is huge. How God has knitted us together. I just shake my head with amazement watching her deal with this little one who is so precious. Seeing how God is teaching her patience through fire. Wondering just how this is training her for loving on hurt people/animals in the future.

Since she was itty bitty she has wanted to be an exotic animal vet- translation- a lion vet. But ultimately, we want what God wants her to do. But I see it all so clearly even though nothing is clear.

Sister's been to enough therapy sessions, counseling sessions where she can lead a session through play with her unintentionally. I hate that on one side of token- because she even has to do that. The enemy throws heart daggers at me- Look what you did. (I'm referring to Satan here- Yes, I'm a Christian who believes in Spiritual Warfare as noted in the Bible). Sometimes I believe I did this. We were three. We were calm. We really moving along.

And then, the Holy Spirit, my heart, Jesus, snaps me out of it.

HELLO girlfriend. What if you had a biological child who had these struggles? Adoption or not, this is God ordained. He knew what my oldest needed in a sister. HE is giving her compassion, mercy, strength, TRUE FLIPPIN LOVE. And He is giving it to her in an abundance of meltdowns. Don't question it! Embrace it.

God did this, not me. And we were covered in prayer. We accept that, "What God has called us to- He will equip- has equipped us to handle."

Thank HIM!

Thank her!!! (Both the sister and the little one!)

You can't buy grace. If you could I'd go broke obtaining it. But God through this special girl is showering me with it daily.

I'd be remiss if I didn't mention my husband and gush on him. Johnicles, the Steadfast Boulder. I want to go there, but I have to get ready for the day ahead. I don't think it's going to be a lots-of-deodorant day, which is nice, but you never know!

Thank you for reading. And if you are praying for us. Thank you. It is beyond helpful.

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