Thursday, January 5, 2017

Current Situation - Changes are Hard.

This year I believe God has me focusing on the word: Progress. 
I just have peace that where we are right now in the world of parenting my little one with autism - we will not be at come Jan. 2018. "Peace that transcends all understanding." 
I have to think like that or I will lose my witness. 
In the library. 
Where I took said kid and vow to not try again until Jan. 2018. 
Or until the books are due. 
Still deciding. 
But this year, instead of whining I am going to educate myself. 
John and I are going to go to support groups in town. So look out surrounding areas!! I already have it on my printed out calendar- IKNOWRIGHT!?!?
I'm reading so I can learn about what is happening in my children's minds. And because books are still my best friends at times.
I'm not expecting the world to give me things, but only trusting in the Lord. (Okay that is hard, I might not meet that goal everyday...)
In reading, Temple Talks about Autism and Sensory Issues by Temple Grandin, I learned a snippet about the autistic brain, which happens to be a title of another book of her's that I am considering reading too. By the way, I found the Temple Talks book to be very insightful and helpful! 
Here's the snippet that has practically made me a neurologist-- that's a joke-- I am paraphrasing here-
Since children on the spectrum frequently have larger fear centers in the brain (Scientific fact), changes in their routine to these sweeties can be as frightening as the most terrifying thing we can think of. 
Think snakes in a toilet of mayo! 
Irate special needs parent rant following in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1: 
KISD. Please do not switch your bus drivers around for your Special Ed children. Love, Parents of Special Needs Kiddos. 
Lord, help Annie and her bus friends today. 
I was tempted to fb post this and realized I just need to blog about it. I don't know. Therapy for me I guess. And blogging is the way I show myself that God is in charge. 
It seems like special needs parents have a battlefield of conflicting thoughts to wake up to daily. I am conflicted everyday with when to gently push and when to comfort in terms of changes, because we all have to face change in our lives. 
Do I just say, "No more bus!" And then drive her to school and completely disembowel our homeschool window of education? While possibly teaching both my special learner and her sister- mommy swoops in and handles it! It would help Annie right now. 
But what would the life lesson be in this? 
She can endure the change of having new drivers, meeting new faces and we can help her. In fact, that is our job. 

And thankfully after a year of discovery (and whining) I have a team of therapists and teachers to help me find social stories that might help with these changes. And I have a husband is the best and holds it down. "P.O.P. I love yeh mama." (Only 1 person will get this)
"Start them as you intend them to finish."- Ergo, help them to help themselves.
This is my hardest challenge to date. 
I wake up, say goodbye to JNOFB in the early am and continue reading a book on special needs, autism, sensory processing and then the next day alternate with homeschooling books. 
Anyone else suffer from distorted thoughts? This is my life's battle and I take comfort that God has already, "overcome the world." (John 16:33). 
But that doesn't mean I don't still succumb to the dangerous thought buffet.
Everyday I put way too much on my mental plate. 
Why? Why do I continue to go through the Golden Coral line of brain food serving myself plates of "Do this today and for years to come everything will be great!!!" 
"Organize that laundry room and life will change instantly for everyone in the family!!!" 
 "Today's the day you're teaching Leelah how to do sutures on a banana like you saw that person on pinterest do so she will become a vet and fulfill her life's dreams and God's plans FOR CERTAIN! And she'll have so much fun and think back on her days filled with awesome memories and not her screaming sister who rips up her beloved things!!" 
Then at night the realization and indigestion of my shortcomings gurgles up. My mind stomach turns against me because I couldn't eat everything and I have heartburn from trying to do too many life changing things. All good things. But not the right things. Silly Rabbit!

Sometimes I just Google my way to better parenting: 
"Christian parenting Autism books." 
Nope. Just random verses. Random people. Or great resources, with secular focus which is needed, but not fulfilling.
"Kids with autism books to help siblings"
Nope. But I do get weird crap with huge paragraphs for kids that screams: A scientist/doctor with zero personality wrote this and asked his quasi talented artistic acquaintance to illustrate it. 
Maybe I am the one with problems that searches for these books anyway, but there should be these things!!! I know it! 
And I know doctors can have personalities. Prescribe yourself a chill pill.

It all comes back to His truth anyway. It always does. I try to do my best and remember when I have stumbled these truths from His Word:
"Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." (Romans 8:1) 
"Those"= moms/frazzled people that don't know their head from a handbasket most days. 
And I have to remember that God has made me whole already. 
The wholeness will not be attained or taken hold of when either of my girls graduate, when we take a trip to the grocery store sans meltdowns, or when I become the first human cyborg hybrid with laser vision. He has made me a "new creation." Right now.

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