Friday, September 11, 2015

Just Special.

I've attempted to write this post about 4 times. It's such a weird time in the world of everybody sharing everything. It's weird when you feel called to share your journey of adoption- specifically, fostering to adopt through CPS- but yet, you are talking about your precious baby's past and future. She can't give me her permission to share this because she's a baby. Well, she's every bit a toddler right now. I'm just trusting that God has prompted me to write this and that it will be an encouragement to others sharing in this journey.

What to share? What to save? Who needs to hear this? Who doesn't? And how early is too early to order a pizza?

It's all too much for me at times.

We were in the post church shuffle just trying to get some lunch.

I stepped away from Annie for a minute, and she started screaming, "MAHHHHMAAAAHHHH!"

A friend of mine witnessed it and was taken aback at the tenderness of the moment I guess of her calling me mama and missing me. I'm her real mama. I told my friend if I really stopped to ponder at all the moments that God is working or doing something in her life, I'd be in tears all day. My favorite stories are underdog stories.

I'm the mama she knows.

And yet, y'all adoption is hard. It's beyond me.

People think you are done after Gotcha Day. But when the celebration is over and the visitations with birth family stop and the lawyer bills subside- oh wait- that just happened. Oh no! I think they sensed me talking about them. Great, now we just got billed for thinking about them! (Yes, CPS adoption is free-minimal cost - just pay for lawyer fees!).

When all the hoopla stops, you are there with your child just praying for them to see you as their safe place, their family, their mama. To make eye contact. To have her smile at you. To have any kind of affection shown towards you. I feel selfish writing that.

But what about when they have trouble processing information? Or when their physiological bents take over and all they remember is surviving?

And people think because you adopt a baby they won't remember what they've been through. "Oh you got her so young so all she will know is you." Or, "She won't have any acting out, because she is so young."

Babies can remember. Babies know way more than we think.

People are posting pics of sweet moments and tender times and funny trials and I'm over here like, Lord. Please don't let my child act out towards me again in a way that is traumatic for her, me, sister, and daddy. Please let us have a good day. Please help her to speak. Please equip me. Please also let us have a dinner or time out of the house without tons of screaming. 

Special needs. Wow. I just had no idea. I still have no idea. I'm overwhelmed and tired and in such need of grace.

And now we await neurologists, visiting therapists, so many "ists! and getting evaluated and measured and on and on. But I'm not going to get all wrapped up in that. God holds her future. No matter what.

It's so worth the bad days. God did this for me. We love because He first loved us (1 John 4:19). I really think this is what life is all about- grace and love. We just are all in need of these desperately without strings or judgment, but with His Word as the best way.

When someone just loves on Annie regardless of her 'tude of the moment I just want to full on hug them forever. Thank you. Thank you for loving my baby girl.

God has shown me the meaning of grace in our Annie. We are loved because He first loved us. That's it. Our actions do not warrant love. Our sin sure as heck doesn't. But guess what, we got perfect love in a Savior. If He can do that for me than I can with His help do that for her.

And I love her so much. Annie, I'm so thankful for the gift of you!

And if I hear the term, "Just a mom" one more time I will lose my witness. I hear it in women describing themselves. I see it online in various forms mostly in MLM business opportunities. For the love of Benji. Let's remove the just. I'm guilty of saying this and thinking this, but how about we look in the spiritual realm for a minute as best as our earthly eyes can muster (with my eyes, that's not much!).

We are raising up a generation. We are stepping in to do battle with forces of evil that wage war on our children (OH YOU BET I WENT THERE!). We battle with diaper wipes, ponytail holders, and hugs and mercy and fruit snacks. Moms, know you're worth. You are worth God's Son! You are warriors placed here to raise up children for the Kingdom! Don't ever forget it. 

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