Thursday, December 1, 2011

But You're Supposed to Be This Way.

Blog it out. I've just got to blog it out.
Thursday + Sprinkles of Rain + Memories + Dramatic Music (Pandora's Fault!) = Reflectionary Introversion Blogging.

Forgive my melodrama, but it's my blog and I can be melodramatic if I want to.

I didn't know it when I awakened, but in my house today there is a Fog Advisory. And I mean a pure mental fog. While driving back home from dropping off the kid, I came upon a beautiful sight on the sidewalk:
There was one of my favorite friends walking alongside her dad. Just a dad and daughter pair. Probably talking about childhood memories or the weather or frivolous things which are sometimes the best subjects. I noticed they walked the same. My dad and I walked the same too. People always mentioned that.

Well being a Thursday (which should be called "Jerkday" for getting in the way of Friday), and being that it's December 1st the day when you realize Christmastime is near and being that I have lonely moments: I let those tears come right down.

Sweet friend, you know who you are. Please don't feel bad about this. I'm so grateful for your moment. And I did hear Jesus speak to my heart- You can walk with Me.

And then I went to Starbucks and had some coffee with my Sweet T. It was great. I have no words to express the way God's blessed my heart with my sister-friends. We talked about what was eating Gillian Grape and I told her what it feels like to have the linchpin of your family go home to Heaven.

It's like a bomb. Every holiday that explosion site and wreckage becomes visible again. Relationships become scattered and the place where you went and did your normal family thing for the holidays is a hole and no longer there. People get weird. They get distant after the linchpin goes and it's just not the same. You begin to cling to whatever family you can find. God blessed me with in-laws turned in-loves. So blessed.

I'm going to be honest. How many of us have a relative that didn't get the memo on how to be towards their loved ones? That's what I thought. If you breathe oxygen, you are raising your hand in allegiance at this question.

Well, I got that situation going on in a big way. It has broken my heart. Decimated it. And has taken years to be rebuilt with the correct glue of Jesus Christ. Oh and loads of Christian Counseling (my 2 appts have been made and you're welcome!).

WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT HOW YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE IN THE ROLE THAT YOU HAVE, RELATIVE!? I KNOW YOU KNOW HOW TO BE RIGHT, BUT YOU INTEND TO LIVE YOUR LIFE OUT WITH ONLY YOURSELF IN MIND.

And then, I'm reminded Biblically to not expect to have a healthy relationship with an unhealthy person.
"Do not reprove a scoffer, or he will hate you, Reprove a wise man and he will love you. Give instruction to a wise man and he will be still wiser, Teach a righteous man and he will increase his learning." Prov. 9:8-9.
In other words, pick your battles folks.
You think you can talk sense to someone that doesn't want to hear it and win? Nope. But you can get crazy from doing that!

So when faced with relative, I mentally re-read Boundaries by Dr.'s Cloud and Townsend. I respect the position they have in my life. I keep a smile on my face, but not in my heart. I pray to the Lord for the words to say and for them to get it one day for their sake. NOT mine. I get that I may never see the fruit for myself and I don't want to, but I do want that fruit for them.

And then I go home, stare at the wall for 30 minutes, eat a healthy amount of Blue Bell Peppermint ice cream, hug the sweetest husband and daughter ever made, and watch Parks and Recreation streaming on Netflix so I can end the day with the emotion that causes laughter. And then wake up in a fog and blog about it the next day in hopes that someone who has a similar situation will take comfort in knowing they are not alone. No matter how alone feeling it might seem.

2 comments:

Leigh said...

Really good blog, Gillian. Thanks for sharing.

Ali said...

Ummm... can we please have a date about this? I think I could use some of your wisdom. I'm sorry you miss your daddy. He is so proud of you. And I admire your resolve, your lack of, and then your resolve again about the other thing.