Friday, July 1, 2011

Drooling on Purpose. The Post I was Born to Write.

A couple of days ago my husband got to see me look like this:

Of course he should have known it would turn out like that when we were dating almost 10 years ago...

When we were robbed of first place in college for a Halloween costume contest for our get-up at Slimer and John the Ghostbuster. I don't think I can let that go. That or when I lost the spelling bee to Edward Yeh in fourth grade. Thanks a lot 'rigorous' for being too rigorous for me to spell.

So I had to do a Saliva Test y'all. What you mean you're a normal person reading this and you have hormone making equipment? Allow me to impart (I originally typed 'barf' but want to hold back) some knowledge on you:
I've been having fevers daily since May as well as having some of what I like to call "Teen Wolf" moments of irriability. So I go see a new women doc (I'm too embarrassed to even abbreviate so I just use the term 'women doctor') and I walk in as a hot mess of half cold sweat and half hot sweat and full out crazy Katy lady. Long story short, I end up in some new pharmacy that compounds stuff. I miss you Targie!!! I don't like it already, even though they are perfectly nice, because I can't eat popcorn and Marci isn't there- our pharm friend or "phriend". It's a little too bed panny too. Anydang, I've got a good lather of weirdness happening as I listen to the complete insanity that is a $210-drool-in-a-tube test to gauge my hormones or lack thereof. YOU MEAN I HAVE TO DO WHAT? THE SPIT HAS TO BE FLAT!?!??!! AM I ON CAMERA? Oh laugh it up guardian angels - hope you guys are getting a good laugh at this one!!!
Nice, unassuming lady that deals with this daily: "It usually takes most women 15-20 minutes to do the first tube in the morning. Sometimes, 30 minutes. And don't wear any face creams, change your linens because they have hormones on them (I'm all "what's a linen?"), and that'll be $210 dollars."
Fast forward to the next day.
I haven't slept all night because everytime my mouth even fills up with a miniscule drool I think I have to start the test, look at the clock and then swallow it back down. This happened hourly. It sucked, literally.
I get up finally at 5:45 am thinking, "NO ONE SHALL SEE THIS. NO ONE!!!!!!!" My hair and eyeballs all askew, see ectopia lentis and 10 eye surgeries, I pull out the vinegar and lemon juice as recommended to get the juices flowing and I proceed to try every trick in the book to get my drool rolling. All kinds of crazy positioning and thinking about food I want to eat. Oh wait, I was doing that kind of thinking naturally.
IT TOOK ME AN HOUR. AN HOURRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
No kidding. This is my life. John came out to go to our one shower, remember the disastrous attack of the m. bath shower that led to the remo?, and he proceeds to pick up the vinegar and make himself drool. And then comments on how little I've drooled and how easy it is for him. Fantastic. Oh and then he proceeds to ask me questions and gives tips that I've already tried. I am hating life at this point, but also thinking "Gillian, please save the last shred of dignity and cool point you have and DO NOT BLOG THIS." But y'all gotta know how it all went down or took forever to go down in a tube marked "saliva". Also, I learned how much it bothers me that John pronounces it "salava".
Of course, it was a two part exam of awesomeness that had to continue later that night. Nothing too exciting then, it was so mindboggling easy then. So now I've got that frozen in my freezer to drop in a UPS site. Can I tell you that I'm a walking CSI specimen? I have the utmost respect for lab techs now. I've had 22 vials of blood drawn in one day, this spit test, the 24-hr urine test or as I call it the "crutch, crutch, slosh, slosh test" , other unmentionable horrifying things, I mean really. My poor freezer, it never asked for this when it was at Lowe's. Never!!
So reeling it all in, what have I learned. I'm pretty much a walking (most of the time) punchline and I'm cool with that. It's my purpose I do think to share these incredulous things that happen to me daily, weekly for the betterment of others, God willing.
And I wonder why my child says that she is "relaxing" while eating a ring pop and looking at a King Cobra fact sheet.
Goodness gracious.
I'll get the results back and I'll get started on some natural hormones which should do better for me since my body is not responding to synthetic ones. Hopefully there is someone out there that can find this info helpful and maybe a little funny.


The Vining Family said...

Can't. Stop. Laughing. I love you G! And yeah, it's kinda annoying how john says "salava". He's the Wilford Brimley of "saliva".

The Nichols Fam said...

I can't stop laughing about your comment!!! The WB of saliva is he!! Diabetis. Diabehtihs.

Lesly said...

Oh friend, I'm so thankful you can find humor even in the most awful tests you have gone through. Love you! Oh and who is Wilfor Brimley?