Friday, April 29, 2011

Good Grief

I'm going to be brazen and say it, "I'm 30 and I have had a hysterectomy." Did I get rid of all the male readers yet? No? Still some left? Well, you are brave and mighty. What's that? You're my husband- the only man that would keep reading this because you live it? I love you John.

I'm learning that Grief is Good. No, not greed, I said grief!
Lately, I've been emotionally punched in the face by the fact that I can no longer have kids.
It all started this past week with a dental hygeneist's comments to me while I was basically drooling and incapacitated with my mouth fixed open. "I can't imagine having to have a hysterectomy at such a young age. That must be devestating." Whoa lady. You are already scraping all up on my teeth, but you got a little bit of my heart in there too. GEESH.

Due to EXTREME (neon-colors!!) Endometriosis when I was 26, I had to have 1 laproscopic (scrape off) procedure. Then it grew back in 2 weeks. At this time, my sweet doc looked at me and started me down the road of maybe we should just take care of this. We took out the ut (pronounced: "yout" it's a medical term). Then guess what, it came back in 2 weeks again. Then we took out the ov's next.

Why, you ask, did we make this decision instead of sticking with it to pop out more kids (I do have one miracle from the Lord, Leelah-praise!)? There were several reasons:
1. Insane pain in all my membranes. I could not stand up straight. Daily it was awful. I had a 13month old at the time and I could not take care of her.
2. The pregnancy I had with Leelah was rooough. To quote my ob my delivery was "one of the worst deliveries in 25 yrs of his practice". An intern saw it and did NOT come back to the L&D dept. Any expecting ladies out there, I am so sorry if I have alarmed you. Listen up, I'm a freakazoid 2000 and I do not follow suit medically. DO NOT BE AFRAID!!! Really, you are going to do fine!

So now what. Well, until I went to see my counselor- doy, come on you gotta know I go see one: jacked up crazy medical sagas every day, loss of parent, etc., etc., I didn't even realize that I was supposed to grieve something like that. She politely interrupted me to tell me that I had "piggybacked grief".

So now I'm grieving what I should have grieved almost 4 years ago and it's hard. As a wonderful lady advised me, don't worry about trying to be a witness to the world about this. Sometimes you are doing great if you just get out of bed in the morning. Thank God for that advice.

What has helped me grieve this?
1. Seeking wise counsel. Go do it! Throw that stigma in the trash.
2. Crying in front of your kid- it's okay. They need to see you process sadness or else how will they, right?
3. Know your triggers: avoid or guard up when around them. There are well-intentioned, friendly enough people out there that just don't get it. They will say stupid stuff. Yeah, I said stupid. Know what you are going up against if you are stepping out of your bubble. For instance, going to a High School Reunion where people have no clue what you've been through or to your workplace. Pray for grace. You get to practice a lot -and remember that!!! Oh I see Janey Know-Nothing today, so God won't you please give me grace with her? Or bad hearing at least!
Maybe even set a little boundary with that person: "I really don't feel comfortable talking about this dental hygeneist lady!!"
4. Having friends who have "the filter". People that have dealt with similar situations. YOU CAN NOT DO THIS ALONE. No way. Ain't happening. If you feel isolated, that's straight up the enemy, Satan.

I've got to be honest and share that when people complain about having a lot of kids or the kids they have, that is my soul kryptonite. I can't hang. True, I don't understand what it's like to have enough kids to be considered as your own day care. I'm sure I'd be an even hotter mess if I did! God knows what He is doing with me. But this is my trigger that God is working through and I'm thankful for the wisdom He's given me to realize that.

And Grief is Good. Because before it was just denial and ignorance. Soon after grief will come joy and maturity.
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you." James 1:2-5


Leigh said...

Glad you are grieving through this. Crying some tears along with you this morning. Got a lot out of your post. Thanks for the honesty. Love to you and your beautiful family!

Tina said...

Beautiful post Gillian. Love you!

Mindee said...

So wishing I had some really wise, smart words of comfort but I can't think of a single encouraging word. Love you and love your transparency. Your pouring it out, girl. So honored that you're my friend.

The Nichols Fam said...

I treasure each of you! What a gift your friendship has been to me in so many ways! Y'all are my filter friends. And glory all to God for that! Love you all!

Ali said...

Oh my God, Gillian. Yes, I am using the Lord's name in vain on this one, but I don't think it's really in vain because I really mean "Oh, My, God." So, I just read this at midnight on Monday (insomnia suuuuux), but today i posted a post about being a Mother of two. I don't think I complained really, that's not my point, but since you know I follow your blog, what an insensitive post that would have been if.... I WOULD HAVE READ THIS FIRST. You must know, that 1) I only just read yours 2) even though the date of my post is going to say a week ago that's just when I started uploading pictures and I really just finished writing this afternoon-- it's not like I held on to it and threw it at you when I saw we had similar yet opposite blog entries 3) I DO NOT EVER want to be a stupid person. Stupid people are so stupid! 4) God's timing here is not cool 5) Your entry was touching, funny as always, and you are just the perfect combination of a gal to me. Please let me know that I am thinking way too hard and giving myself way too much credit as far as my ability to annoy you. Aaaaaah!

The Nichols Fam said...

ALLISON!!! Glurgh! You know I got nothin' but love for you and for your gift of writing. Your posts always guarantee: laughs, joy and insight. And I know you were not commenting to get that response. You have an insanely precious heart that I feel the better for knowing - it's reaffirmed every time I read your even FB stuff. What you said in your post, is straight up mom-hilarities. You know I'm a fan of that! You and the ugly word I shouldn't have used, stupid, do not go together and if I think about it anymore I'm going to cry at 7:08 am. The out of line dental hygienist chick- what she said was, let's change it, insensitive. You could not be insensitive if you tried!! Love you friend! I promise I don't have a Frito on my shoulder for people with more than one child. I adore it for them!