Friday, August 27, 2010

Lesson learned without answers

Yesterday was a long day at the med center. We saw my endocrinologist, my main opthamologist who is overseeing my ectopia lentis sitch, and my eye surgeon. The main point I gathered from all of it was that my hip fracture and my eyes' dislocated lenses are possibly all connected by faulty connections. They are leaning towards diagnosing me with a collagen disorder. Problem is it's incredibly rare and super hard to diagnose without genetic testing. Which is very costly for labs to do so you must wait until they are able to send off your blood for testing. Meaning, I will probably not have a diagnosis on paper for possibly 3 wks to 4 months.

This is all fine and dandy except that I do not want to have any more bones break. Collagen is the protein part of the bone. If that is not right, then you have weakened bones. The calcium is the mineral part- this is the part they have medicine to fix. The collagen/connective tissue is the part they have not yet been able to treat. It explains why the zonule fibers in my eyes are weakened and thus, dislocate requiring surgery. Again, it is beyond rare. The doctors have not seen someone like me. In fact, one of the docs is in talks with the Mayo Clinic which should be contacting me soon. An aside, I detest mayo. So basically, I'm at square one but with hives all over me from an allergic reaction to the last antibiotic I can take. I will miss you Avelox. You were so good to me. Hives suck. Period.

All that aside, I'm thankful. I do feel a slight inclination to compare myself with Job at times. Okay, so I'd be "Job-lite". Twice the laughs, with half the suffering! I do not mean to seem self righteous.

God has taught me something. He has taught me that sickness and the mystery to solve it can lead me to ruin. It can become an idol. And for me in the past, it has. A thought idol. Think about it. If I could just see this doctor, they'll know what to do. Or just getting this medicine. Or once I have this last surgery that will fix everything. But who does the surgeries? Who gives out the meds? What is the doctor? A human. And humans are human. In the past, I saw myself getting so depressed when no answers where found. Why did human answers regarding my condition bring me so much satisfaction or depression? Because I had my hopes all up in it. Fast forward to today. I have zero answers. I am in constant pain. But I am content. I am tired and I still cry it out, but the Lord gives me joy. For in my weakness I am still and can rest in His sufficient grace.

I do not need an answer. The mystery of my illness does not hold power over me. What if I got all those tests back and there was an answer but no treatment? Or no answers at all? What a waste of time and energy to dwell on those things. I will still have the testing done, but as for the outcome God will not let me stress. And I feel good.


Ashley S. said...

Have I ever mentioned that your attitude is amazing?! I'm so glad you've come to the point in your relationship with God that you can trust him through all of this! I'm glad that they at least have some kind of idea of what might be wrong so they can figure out how to fix you! Keep us updated sis! Love you!

Leigh said...

Oh Gillian you are such an example to me. I am envious of your faith. Enjoy your contentment. We leave for Germany tomorrow. I am glad to have your blog to update me. :)