Friday, May 7, 2010

It's been a comin'....

UPDATE: A love letter from the Lord:"Even when you ar eold, I will be the same. Even when your hair has turned gray, I will take care of you. I made you and will take care of you. I will carry you and save you." Isaiah 46:4, NCV
Just came across this verse in the awesome book, So Long Insecurity, You've Been a Friend to Us by Beth Moore (our new Cookbook Book Club read!). Thank you Lord!

Some of you know, I'm a lifetime member in the "Mama Drama Club" as I call it. Does the title explain it enough, because I really cannot divulge further. Let's just say, I'm not afraid of Christian counseling. Yeah, I said it. I go to counseling. How do you like them apples? They're tart and green. Speaking of Good Will Hunting, I have had the whole tough exterior why am I here moment to the bawling hug the God-send counselor moment a la Matt Damon. Does it make me less of a person to own up that I need help? I would say no. Thank the Lord our church offers counseling! I mean come on.

What brings all this counseling talk on? Mother's day.

This is the first year that I've actually delved in to processing the holiday. The first year that I've really processed what it means to me. When I was expecting Leelah, I didn't know if I should even celebrate it for myself or what in the world to do. The next year I was still taking it for granted. Year after that we were in crises mode. And this year, well, it's really slapped me in the face.

My God-given friends know my earthly parents situation or absence of. Not many 29 yr olds face sudden orphaning. But then there are some that have always been orphaned. People that lose both their parents suddenly and so on and so forth. My heart breaks for them.

What has the Lord shown me through this pain of losing 2 parents?
That He is my mother and father.
A while back I found all of my pictures, baby keepsakes, certificates, etc all from my childhood in a big black garbage bag. Some stuff even in the trash. I was in the garage clinging on to them and crying. Why? Why Lord? Why is this happening? I think of how I save every little bit of Leelah's pics, drawings, flowers (dead/living), I journal all her words almost and funny-isms. Almost to the point of me being on A&E or TLC or something for hoarding. I have drawn a line, but you get it. So for me to see all my precious moments trashed, I was crushed. THat's when I heard the Lord clearly speak to my heart, "Little one, I have all your memories. I have all your pictures. I got you. I am your parent. You are mine and I love you."
I immediately felt warmth.

I took this complaint or concern or query to my counselor. I asked her if it was okay if I claimed John's mom, my mom-in-love, as a mother figure in my life. She said it was. It was so great to hear this advice. So thankful for her, as she has been so sweet and so caring. Loving me like Jesus does.

In the book, Captivating, the Eldreges write how you can even have good girlfriends be mothers to your soul. Isn't that refreshing? I know a couple of friends who with kind words or stern advice dust off my heart wings and set it soaring. What a blessing.

So God has shown me that I can celebrate my mom-in-love. That He is both my parents- and seriously, does it get any better?
And Leelah.
THat sweet baby girl is what makes my Mother's Day. I'm her mother. I thank God for showing me His truth to free me so I can rely on Him to make me the parent I need to be for her. She is my heart. I may have not known love when I was girl. I know it now- praise Jesus! And now I get to show Jesus love to my little angel.

Happy Mother's Day Friends.
Here's to celebrating all the women in our lives who mother us! May God bless them all. :)

1 comment:

Lesly said...

Oh, sweet friend! As a fellow Mama drama sister, I understand. I am thankful fo th ejourney that God is taking us on although painful, but wow, when we come out of this, watch out Satan! He will cringe everttime we wake up and place our feet on the ground!! Praise God for sanctification!