Wednesday, February 10, 2010

I flipped out.

Yesterday was not the best day ever.

Neither was Monday to be full out honest.

Today was nice- it was spent with buds frosting cookies and not at the eye doctors' office as were the two aforementioned days.

I can't write for long, but I know I need to share that yesterday I broke down.

My life is so small. Especially compared to that of what people are enduring in Haiti and all over the world or the U.S. for that matter. I know that. My woes are hardly relevant. So please know I'm aware of my pity party posty. There are truly more important and worse matters out there that we all need to pray for daily.

It should be a spirit of thanksgiving that I write this in, but it is not. I am fearful. Or I was.

So we go to the eye surgeon on Monday to check up on how the YAG laser went. Not well. He says since the capsule is the texture of "leather". The left eye vision is foggy and there is still some pain. The new plan is to wait until April to see if it retracts itself (slowly). That's all we can do. Okay, no problem. It's not what I would want, but it's not in my hands and I'm thankful.

I've been noticing a slight change in my right eye for some time. We go see Dr. Genius (Lewis) my best bud, he says "we can now hear the hoofbeats of the cataract in that eye". So they dilate both. And yes, the cataract is a comin' on in over the right. Okay, no problem. It's not what I would want, but it's not in my hands and I'm thankful.

Um, no. You see yesterday was a taste in the life of what a bilateral legally blind person lives with. And I flipped out. I HATED it. With both eyes dilated for several hours I could not do anything. I am so sorry Lord for complaining before. I am so sorry Lord I'm complaining now. Thank you for loving me through this. I couldn't cook, sew, drive, read, look at the computer, watch T.V., etc. All I could do was eat my feelings in Doritos (Spicy Nacho of course!), cry, and sleep. It was bad folks. Thanks to Mom in love for talking me down. Thank you Tina for cheering me up and driving me and the kid to and from school. You are the best.

I realize now I fell right in the enemy's plot of fear. Face first in. I got so scared. Is this what it will be like for me one day? Will the left eye doesn't heal in time for the right eye to get fixed? Will I ever have to be at this point for an extended period of time? Is this why God made me so over optimistic? I DO NOT WANT TO ENDURE THIS LORD. What do legally blind people do all day? How would I live? I might be being dramatic here, but it's really got me thinking. A great friend and personal mentor of a Christ follower told me today: "You can wonder, but don't worry." GREAT advice. She said that Jenny Owen, blind Christian singer, said that. So I will chew on that nugget of wisdom.

The doc brought up again that my eyes are very "special". That someone with ELeP (Ectopia Lentis et Pupillae) doesn't walk in every day. Well, that's nice I guess?
I'm being smarmy now. Smarmy AND dramatic.

But isn't this what Beth Moore tells you (well if she says it it's got to be Biblical!) to do when faced with a possible trauma in your life? Or when you're living with insane worries? Go there. Say you are afraid of losing _________ or dying. Go there and picture that happening. And then what. God will be with you in that. Keep the Kingdom vision. Stay in the Word.

"In ALL THINGS we are more than conquerors through him who loved us."- Romans 8:37

My prayers are that I would have one eye working the best it possibly can at all times. My fears are both will go bad at once. The enemy knows this. If you let God reveal your fears to you through prayer and the Word, you will know what the enemy will prey upon and go after. THus, you will know that when it feels you are being hit where you are the most vulnerable your fears (marriage, money, family, death, kids, etc.)- you know where it is coming from. Fight back. Stay strong in the armor of knowing the truth. You can either be manipulated or armor yourself with God's help. I know I'm not fully articulating this. I'm not one to preach. I just have to let you know any God given wisdom from personal trials. Hopefully you will hear God speak to your heart over the loudness of your fears.


Callie said...

friend, you are loved and prayed for. I cherish you and your friendship!

Leigh said...

My heart goes out to you Gillian. Try not to live in the "what ifs" and continue on with your positive self! I will be praying for God's best. love you!