Thankful for the Blessings of Autism

It's been a while and a few unpublished drafts to this blog and it's been because I've been in wallowing in the pit of despair and there's no wifi in there sure 'nough.

Halloween this year- we went a little "batty." Perfectly fitting.

A little over a month and a half ago (Who's counting? October 8, 2015 at approx. 3 pm), our little sweet and sour nugget, Annie, was diagnosed with Autism, or as I first called it, "Awesome-ism." It's Autism really though. It's not so much awesome, but awesomely hard. Truly.

We had this diagnosis done by a pediatric neurologist and head of the Autism Center for the Children's Learning Institute. Despite all her creds, many people (Including us) doubted this diagnosis based on the following factors:
1. She was almost 2.
2. She is a toddler.
3. She's from an adoptive background with a past that God is lovingly changing daily.
4. Did I mention she's nearly 2?

Yesterday, after her birthday last week (She's full fledged 2 now!) we went to visit the same dr. to get another conclusive test (CARS Childhood Autism Rating Scale) and yep, she's still on the spectrum, still has Autism and is still 2.

Everyone asks, "Well, how autistic is she??" or "Is she nonverbal?" basically, how bad is it? I get that most of these askers have good intentions. Because this is my child's own story and again, because God is on His throne and He determines the outcome (Thankfully!), I'm not going to give you her rating. Let's just say it's very clear: She has Autism and it should no longer be questioned. I could go to another pediatric neuro and or behavioral psychiatrist, but we have prayed and prayed and payed and payed and goodness, can we just move on and treat this and help her and get a gameplan already?

My Braveheart Horse Pep Talk Time:
It's time for me to Mom Up.
To do the mom army crawl through the slimy, muck and mire and be the mom she needs and quit the waaaahhhhh and the woes, which do zilch for her and our family. My kid's got Autism and if I want to help her then I need to process this and ask God for wisdom and soldier on. I'm finally ready to do that now.

We can get stuck in Label Land -WHEN SHE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT AUTISM IS- she is just living and being 2! Or we can pray, research, seek out friends that get it (this requires making new friends which is not my strongsuit- lots of sweating), put my blue war paint on and GET OUT THERE!!!

And another thing, I got a 9 yr old who is watching how we are going to handle this. This is prime teaching time to show her what a person does with a diagnosis that is basically a lifelong condition that is really, really hard to deal with: We PERSEVERE. "Perse-DANG-vere!"

I must stop treating her like a victim.
We can be thankful for this diagnosis (I've got a blessings of Autism list below!)! Lots of people (I've been one) have crazy illnesses that are never going to get a diagnosis! At least we have one and that will give us ammo to fight it.

I've always secretly wanted to be in the armed forces. Guess what, on July 21, 2006, I became enlisted into the Parental Forces and now, John and I get to wear the Autism Stars on our shoulders and that is a blessing.

Before I go into the blessings. Can I just break down what I've (And I've only known truly from Annie's behavior and from what I've researched for a short time) seen Autism to be? Because a lot of people (self) have zero clue.

What is Autism? 
Read the expert definition. Speaking about Autism Speaks- we were handed a huge packet full of orders for therapies (Occupational, Speech, Applied Behavioral Analysis), Hearing tests, EEGs (24 hr and her's is on Dec. 23- please pre pray for this), GI follow up (all that diarrhea? yep, linked to Autism), etc. etc. In that packet one of the most helpful things was this: 100 Day Kit. Awesome resource.

My own definition: It's a brain disorder which causes the person to miss connections dealing with communication and relationships (hence ST, ABA). And it makes your kid instantly frustrated and thus, they scream all the time. It also causes major sensory issues (hence OT). The whole cause and effect thing is thrown out the window.
You could know what makes them tick one second and then immediately be confused at what is making them tick the next.
As a dear friend put it, "She's constantly in fight or flight mode." Never calm. Her brain is never regulated. Until we get lots of therapies under her belt. And this is EXHAUSTING for all parties.
Currently we can't just "run to the store." We can't just go to a structured play date. She has no fear but at the same time has fear of everything. We can't just do "justs" anymore. Everything takes planning. It's a marathon, not a sprint. Or some other inspirational quote. 

From her point of view, this is how she sees life: 
She's in a subway tunnel (I might mess up the terms as I live in the suburbs and have been on a subway once) and there are trains? I guess they're called (go ahead and judge I know nothing I told you!) that are going on either side of her at 70 mph (fast, okay!?) and there's a teacher about 40 ft ahead of her trying to get her attention and she has to try to focus on her and not the trains and everything else, but her brain can't.
 A life example:
Yesterday before 10:30 we had at least 10 meltdowns. One complete with me getting bit for moving her somewhere she didn't want to be moved because she was going to break something. These are not normal 2 yr old meltdowns (I do have a "typical" kid- "Normal is a setting on a washer machine." so I know what a typical meltdown is). It's a nuclear meltdown to do most things with this precious girl.

And what has shocked me the most? 
The friend vaccuum. At first my heart was broken. I thought people would be so understanding. But the truth was how could they when they truly do not understand themselves (me either!)? People told me they would pray and I never heard from them again. Granted it's been a month and I'm a little dramatic, but still. It hurt.
And then God shepherded my heart to realize - He was right there. And give them grace. 
 Phew.  Grace. Okay, that works.

And after seeing a family counselor, I was told to find others like us. And I'm very thankful for that advice. Slowly but surely, God is helping me do this.

I'm so thankful for my immediate family. Who are very willing to love Annie as is. No judgement. No waiting until we get it under control (if we ever). Just bring her over and let us play. Thank you Lord. Grace.

Meanwhile in our life.... 
Remember my 9 yr old. She has Psoriasis and it PSUCKS. And she's 9. That is a tough age. Like the 4 yr old shots people forget to mention: 9 is the year that changes can start. So on top of the Autism, 2 yr old, Adoptive Background (through CPS), 9 yr old stuff, Psoriasis, I'm about to lose my witness as they say! Also, I lead a group at my church. Also, I'm married. Also, I need to drink water and eat and survive on Earth.
But at least I can see! And I can walk! Praise you Lord!

And honestly, with the friend thing. I'm just figuring out what I would do for a family that just received this life altering diagnosis and new way of life. I do not claim to be a good friend or a good person or a good mom. Gosh, I'm just a human. But here is what I would do now that I know firsthand what a special needs family really needs and what you can do:
I would go over to their home (because most days we can't get out due to major meltdowns and exhaustion) and I would pray with them. 
I would tell them I don't care about:

• How your house looks like the apocalypse hit or you are just settling into the life of a North American at the turn of the century. "Churn down for what!?" Why are there clothes hanging everywhere? Who's that hobo on the harmonica? What's that smell? Why are there so many fruit flies? Does that kid have yellow fever? Is that a bison in your backyard? Very Oregon Trail....
• How your kid screams like they have mutant X-Men powers. 
• How your face and hair looks like a conglomerate of "before" photos. 

That I do not expect anything from you and I love you how you are right now and how I am praying for you- specifically praying that you, as a momma, would not "drop your basket" like in Ya Ya Sisterhood.
And I would give so much more grace. 
I pray that once things settle down I will be able to do this and that God would give me the eyes to see who I can be this friend to. Not yet though, I'm a mess. 


So those blessings..... If you are a parent of a kid on the spectrum. Would you please let me know what blessings you have found that I can add to the list?

My Blessings of Autism List:
1. For the vision to see more of God's Word brought to life and His works in new ways.

"For consider your calling, brethren, that there were not many wise according to the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble; 27but God has chosen the foolish things of the world to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to shame the things which are strong, 28and the base things of the world and the despised God has chosen, the things that are not, so that He may nullify the things that are..." - 1 Cor.1:26-28

2. For all the new celebrations for what some might see as little things. "First unprompted smile."

3. For all the new people we get to interact with: therapists, support groups, doctors, etc. How those relationships can be new friends and new opportunities to share Christ with.

4. We get more focused bonding time with our child(ren) through therapies and play.

5. We get to learn all about the brain's innerworkings. We're basically going to be neurologists and therapists now, right?

6. We can pull out that Autism card and use that thing up! "Oh, sorry I was going to do that, but Autism...." And slowly back away.... (I jest y'all.)

7. Who doesn't love underdog stories? We get front row seats!

8. Perseverance.

"And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; 4and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; 5and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us."- Romans 5:3-5

 9. More chances to bestow and receive grace. Humbling, but worth it.

10. We can become more compassionate to others in need.

"My sister has Autism and I love her just how she is!" - Leelah to childcare worker.

11. A stronger marriage if prayed for and as God leads. Some would argue this point and that breaks my heart. But I'm just trusting in the Lord because it's all I can do.

12. A stronger family bond all around because of the minute by minute challenges.

13. We are walking service projects! Getting to daily be the "hands and feet of Christ." to our special needs kiddo.

14. We can teach others someday.

15. Hugs and kisses are appreciated more. 

16. My favorite- while at first I only saw this diagnosis as bleak- God has changed my mind to think: this is the full life. We fully give and get to experience grace. We fully understand what compassion can look and feel like. We fully treasure little things now. We are fully invested because we are going to therapies, we are praying like mad, we are shouting out to the Lord for help and rescue by the hour, we are FULLY in this thing now. We don't get to zone out and while that is so very tiring, it is so very full.

Prayer Requests
For the right therapy/treaments and for affording (Think THOUSANDS upon THOUSANDS- this is why God has us get debt free when we did!!!!). This search is my current full time job and it is hard and daunting for this Aggie Graduate.
For God to bring friends for my kids and for me. I'm not ashamed to ask for this.
For us to remember the above blessings when it is so very hard.
For strength to live each day on the Kingdom side and not the pit side.
For me as a mom to delegate and focus and plan best.
For the upcoming EEG to determine if Annie has seizures (this is tied to Autism frequently).
For Leelah to not become a "Glass child."
For John and I to just not lose it.

Thank you. Thank God for you. Thank you God for Autism.

Annie's Gotcha Glory Story: The Battle

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. - Ephesians 6:12

Annie at 9 months

People are curious. Me too. I can be a big ol' Miss Nosey Nose. We are happy to tell people up front, "And we just finalized our adoption..." We throw it out there because it always leads to good. I've given the phone number of Homes with Hope to a variety of people including: best friends, phlebotomists, store clerks, etc. etc. And we get this question the most: 

"Where did you adopt her from?" 

I'm quick to retort, "Houston, Texas" yep just right down the road! But not in a condemning way-- we just want to let people know there are kids right now that are waiting to be adopted - maybe even living on your street in a foster home. 

There was a precious 13 yr old girl that I've talked about before that we saw at one of the hearings and when the Judge asked, "Do you have any questions for me?" she replied, "I just don't know what is going to happen to me." She just wanted a forever home and it broke my heart. It was all I could do to not weep aloud. 

I take photos for something called the Heart Gallery and they are of children who have had their parental rights terminated that are waiting for adoption. I took photos for a sibling set of 5 beautiful children the other day in Katy. Just let that sink in. 

When our agency called us with the announcement that we had a baby girl, the next thing that was mentioned was: "Low legal risk." Meaning, most likely her parental rights would be terminated. 

Wait a minute though. We were only wanting to straight adopt- as in no fighting the battle of getting her bio parents rights terminated. No parent visitations. No hearings except for the final. No trips down to the Port Authority to meet with family members to discuss long term placement. NO other  plan of "relative adoption" -- JUST NONE OF THAT OKAY WE DON'T WANT TO DEAL WITH THAT. We were so scared. 

That was the reason we took a day to figure out. Could we fight this? Not in our own strength, but only with God and with all the prayers of our loved ones. 

And here's the number one excuse we had: our biological daughter. We didn't want to put her through a situation where we've heard the worst and we all know what I'm saying:

Dealing with the very real possibility of them taking her back. Reunification. 

Here's a sister from the Lord! Just kidding. See what I mean? 

I like the movie Interstellar. I think Christopher Nolan does powerful work. He makes references to parenting so often and in this particular film the main character is a father who has to make promises to his kids, but like all parents he only wants to make a promise that can be fulfilled. 

If you say you're gonna get your kid an ice cream. By ever dang golly you gotta get them an ice cream. 

Trust. Faith. Dependability. Unwavering. These are not the characteristics that go hand in hand with fostering to adopt. 

And honestly, I've already been through my share of grief, right? I mean who willingly will go into that? 

No. We don't know what God is allowing us for our "share of" anything. So that is not an excuse. 

And neither is wanting to shield our daughter from the woes of the process. Had we shielded her she wouldn't have Annie for a sister and would not have had to rely upon the Lord who is MIGHTY to save. 

Was our wanting to protect her a form of cowardice? I know that is a harsh word right there.

And so that's when we decided that we would Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego this whole deal. 

We got all up in that CPS furnace. 

If God saved us, if He allowed Annie to be ours forever- wonderful. 

If He had another plan, well then that was the plan for His daughter, His Annie, that is for His good which in turn is what we wanted for her more than wanting our own wills for her. 

Do I love my daughters more than their Abba Daddy does? Not possible.

17 If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us[a] from Your Majesty’s hand. 18 But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.”--- Daniel 3:17-18

How many details are too many to share? I have to consider that this is Annie's story and she doesn't have a verbal say in what I share and I must be mindful of that. I don't want the world (I get it - no one is really reading this!!) to know before she does all that went down. But then again, to God be the glory!

The biological mom was not compliant in the process. Not safe. She ultimately did not want to reunify.

 Annie was living with her bio grandparents until they realized they could not care for her due to their poor health and thus gave her into the care of CPS who then placed her with the loving foster home I mentioned. This was the fourth child that was going to be lost from this mom.

Had anyone told her that she was lovely? A daughter of the King of the Kings? We so pray for her to know this truth!!

During a month, I had 9 different meetings in and out of my home. I realized this would be the new normal and gave up doing my photography business. I just couldn't do that anymore.

Some of the meetings were from CPS, some from Child Advocates, and some from our agency. And some were to go to the courthouse, and some were to go to the visitations. God help us. The visitations.

Ever seen Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom? Specifically the heart ripping out scene? How many parents had NO idea that was coming up!! Well, that's exactly what the visitations are like.

You go to a CPS location. Take your baby in there. Sign in- but not your full name because God help you if they (the bio parents and or family and or random guy they thought was the bio dad but was really just a criminal with no ties that they had has the bio dad-oops!) find out your names and then go to your house and well you choose your own adventure that ending!

You wait for the parties to show up- hopefully not in the parking lot with you- see above adventure choosing. Then bio grandparents show- it's okay they are nice enough I guess? I've never met them. Never. Oh they are taking Annie back there now. Without me.

John and I were together everytime. Yes. He is missing work for that. I dare you John's office to complain. I dare you. They never did- praise God for their allowances!

The visitation lasts for an hour. The CPS caseworker takes your child back with them. I always gave them a bag of diapers, a bottle, toys, stuff to keep her busy. The bio parties show up- you never know who will show. Then they go back there with your baby. And then you hear crying. You can't do anything.

The first time the security officer said, "They always cry. Always. They know what's going on."

Wow, that's helpful anecdotal information- thank you!

They have to have an officer in the waiting room. Think real life Maury Povich.

I have no cuticles left at the end. I just keep muttering worries to John, then to God, we pray. We bring the Kindle to maybe play Candy Crush- cha right- we just sit there reading posters about how you should feed your children!

Yep. All this is going down. This process happened 3-4 times? I don't know I really blocked out stuff. It was horrible. It was comparable to visiting my dad in the hospital in his last days.

But it was a chance for us to see who we were praying for.

And it gave me compassion. I was like, "JUST SAY NO. IS THAT SO HARD?" Hello, D.A.R.E. ring a bell??? WERE YOU NOT THERE IN HEALTH CLASS??!?!??!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!

But God showed me and John, we are no better. We are all sinners. And eventually the anger and fear turned to mercy and prayers.

Finally, bio mom had too many strikes and too many fails and stopped coming and the Judge - a no nonsense woman that I have major respect for- laid the hammer and ceased her from visiting.

Even the grandparents were heard arguing and sticking up for us, "the family that loves her baby!"

And this is where I want to talk about Child Advocacy. Do it. If you don't know how to help and you are not called to adopt- please consider being a Child Advocate. You are the voice of the child. You get to see what is going on and the Judge listens to you and hold you in very high regard.

We had the most precious, professional, and genuine Child Advocate and her Supervisor. I knew they cared for Annie without a doubt. They had her back. They took the time to know us. They took the time to try to know her bio background. They meant the world to me and to Annie. Thank you Lord for them!

We went to hearings where there were DNA tests, and all sorts of tests.

John and I just stood there holding hands as the Judge, the Ad Litum, the CPS attorney, the CPS caseworker, the Child Advocates, the sometimes there bio family, all approached the bench. Shaking. Not riding the rollercoaster. Along with our phenomenal Agency Case Manager who was with us AT EVERY meeting, hearing, phone call, period. Never left our side. Extremely professional and is family to us!

It was beyond my physical and mental strength so God took over. I was on auto-human.

It was surreal and scary and supernatural. But My God delivered.

There was the pop-up Great Aunt who came on the scene at the end. That was earth shattering- or it would have been if I had let it be.

Can I just stop and tell you who was my rock? John Nichols.

That was his baby. Annie was his girl. As soon as she came home, BOOM, done deal. There was no one, no entity, that would stop him. He never surrendered as I did to fear. He never backed down. He always knew. Even with the great aunt and then the familiar kin- i.e. friend out of nowhere who both backed out- he never gave up.

And we pray that we were being a good witness through it all. Talk about an opportunity to witness. You deal with tons of people. They were watching how we would respond. We prayed. We told them we just, "Trust in the Lord." We did, but it was beyond hard.

I know we made it through this with the prayers of our faithful friends and family. Thank you.

It was harrowing. But I know there are a lot worse stories. Ours was fairly cut and dry. And I know that you can do this too!

One of the hardest parts was the grace for her bio mom. I just couldn't fathom how she did not show up to the parental rights termination hearing. It was humbling to realize John and I (and all our family) were the only ones that stood in the gap for this precious, dear heart. Sobering.

It was like if only God could open my eyes to see His vast army on that battlefield like He did in one of the battles of the Old Testament- which king was that for? Greater is they who are with us...

Bottom line: we were at the front lines of God's battle. Thank God He has already overcome the world.

I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.- John 16:33

I just want to reiterate that I do not judge- or I try so hard not to- the bio mom. Again, she chose life. I do not know where she has been. And therefore I wrote this to her and gave it to our precious Child Advocate so she could deliver it to her.

A letter to the Birth Mom. 

 

 

Annie's Gotcha Glory Story: the Homecoming

And now I can tell the FULL story. 

On Jan. 21, 2014, I received a phone call from our adoption agency, Homes with Hope. It was the call and I was at the dry cleaners.

"We've finished your home study... And we have your baby girl." 

My mind formed a thought-slushie and my eyes formed tear juice and I pulled around back and called Johnicles to tell him we had a baby! 

Our agency at the time was not able to provide many details, but God knew them all. 

Would you allow me to time travel a bit? 

My husband and I are very open with our story in hopes you will see God's marvelous workmanship throughout it. That we can only bring glory is our aim. 

John did not want to adopt in the beginning. He's such a great father, husband, everything. You see at the time I began the adopt talk I was blind in one eye and going blind in the other soon. So all he could "see" was that I could not. He could not fathom it and I do not blame him. I'm so thankful for his patience with me. 

10 eye surgeries later (Yeah, I brag on God about it all the time) and I'm seeing, praise! And I'm still talking adoption. But the idea was not God's yet in John's mind. So more and more waiting.... 

And I'd nag. 

Get convicted. Pray. And then one day God pacified my heart, "You are not waiting on him, you are waiting on me." 

It was hard. And I will say I lost hope. 

Leelah would bring up wanting a sister. I gave that to God and told her to pray. I tried to not ever sic her on dad. 

In the spring of 2013, I felt a very strong urge to pray on my knees for a baby. But I felt wrong because John was still not on board the adoption train. I sought wise counsel and a dear, dear friend told me, "Mary knew about her baby before Joseph did..." Or something to that sort. And so I prayed hard. Put that in your thought bucket for later please. 

Then John's heart began to shift in the summer of 2013. And it was a miracle. He said yes! 

We began training and by November had completed the entire process. The home study took a month to be completed. Then Jan. 21. On that day she was 2 months old.

We were told we could see our baby first on the phone of our caseworker. So we met her at McD's the next day. We hadn't confirmed yet only because we were praying and well it's a very huge decision. I knew in my heart that she was ours however and loved her already and had for forever. 

We saw her pic and to be honest could not see much as she was very swaddled. We saw black hair and big cheeks. YES. 

John being the one to carefully examine it all wanted to sleep on it. You've got to love that this man will not commit to anything until he is absolutely sure. 

Mentally exhausted, I was so very tired of waiting at this point. I pray-begged to God for John's yes. And on the way home that night we saw a shooting star. John said yes again and we then began to wait until she came home. 

We then told Leelah after we had both agreed over lunch that God was going to give her a sister. That she was not yet our forever baby, but we were going to love her as though she is. We carefully explained fostering to adopt to a then 7 yr old and prayed for God to do the rest in her little mind. She was very pensive and very excited all at once. We then went to go to Build-a-Bear so that she could make her little sister a bear. We are so thankful for the counsel our agency gave us in how to talk to our bio daughter, it was such a sweet time. 

Then we got another call that we could see her in person! Sort of like when you've had a c-section (I guess) and then you can see the baby. We had prayed that she was in a loving foster home and she was! Prayer answered indeed! So we took Leelah out of school- OHYESWEDIDDON'TYOUEVENGOTHERE- and we all went to where else? Chick-fil-A where miracles happen and chicken is holy. 

I held her in my arms and she fit perfectly. Literally, figuratively, she was a Nichols. We all held her with her foster mom and foster sisters in tow. If the Chick-fil-A staff only knew the Kingdom work that was being done. I was not allowed to take pics and that was hard. But my mind's eye focused so much on her precious cheeks, her nugget feet and her blue eyes. That's right, her eyes are blue, just like John. Nice details God. 

Then we had to say goodbye. I had bought her diapers, outfits, everything she needed and we had to let her go until the cps and attorneys agreed for her to switch to us. Her at the time foster parents were looking for boys. :) 

The next wait was so hard and the stress was visible on my face as a planet appeared on my lip. I just could not take not having her home with me. Not being able to tell the world we had a baby and to pray for her life and it was so incomplete. Moms need their birdies in their nest! Before we get to her homecoming, please know I don't mean to make such a huge deal out of this but it is a HUGE deal. 

This child was saved. We are forever grateful for her bio mom for choosing life. That being said, her bio mom was in a VERY unsafe place. It is amazing she is still alive. In the spring when I was praying, God was knitting her together in her bio mom's unsafe, dangerous womb with the care of the most masterful, artistic, technical seamstress My God performed a miracle and shielded my baby from the danger, the evil that was bombarding her. There is no scientific reason that my baby did not suffer severe defects other than God's Almighty Hands were holding her and protecting her. And He was doing this in Spring of 2013. Exactly when I was told by Him to pray for her. 

For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.

Psalm 139:13-14

People need to understand. Adoption through CPS and period is not something you go lightly into. Especially fostering to adopt. You want to see the Spiritual battle between good and evil? There is no better way than to adopt. 

On March 5, 2014 our darling Annie McKee Nichols came home. She was brought to our door by 2 mighty, mighty warriors for the Lord and in my eyes, Angels- our agency caseworkers. They carried all that belonged to her. A bag, a car seat, a tummy mat and a few changes of clothes. That was it. And most of that was from her foster parents. But God made a way. He is all that she needed and He gave us this blessing:

Then we loaded her up in the car and we went to go pick up Sissy from school. 

I have to end this part now, because said baby needs to get up from her nap, but I have to share this. When I just knew we should adopt I rested on this verse- Isaiah 41:20. Please check this amazingness out--- see the date I wrote next to the verse- 3/5/12 and then see when she came home--- 3/5/14. 

Amen. 

As Is.

We went to court for what we thought was going to be a simple status review hearing for our foster to adopt case. What ended up happening was nothing less than the Hand of God moving and speeding things along through the Judge. IT was awesome y'all.

The Judge realizing all the time that has gone on and the progress made decided to hurry it up and thus knocked 1-3 months off of the whole adoption. Praise God.

So now as we stage our home to get ready to sell, (Yes, Lord willing we are going to be doing Apartment Life ministry known as CARES) we are also knocking off a to-do list for things that have to be done prior to the finalization of our baby's adoption.

To redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons. And because you are sons, God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, crying, “Abba! Father!” So you are no longer a slave, but a son, and if a son, then an heir through God.-- Gal. 4:5-7

When I was a little girl, I helped out at my dad's car dealership. He sold pre-owned- actually let's be honest "pre-owned" wasn't even a term back then, "used" luxury vehicles. Mostly Mercedes. Or as we called them, "chuggers" because their old diesel engines made funny chug chug chug sounds. And I didn't really help out, I mostly played the Ms. Pac Man machine in the warehouse where we kept all the inventory. Yes, I will dominate you if you play me at that game. Don't even go there girlfriend!

What always interested me were the cars "stickers." They told the mileage, if it had a warranty or if it was to be sold "as is." Funny sidenote, I used to answer the phones and I'd say, "Alpine Auto all books and records!" I think it's because I always heard them say the cars came with all "books and records."

I just thought the term, "As Is" was interesting.

One of the slew of things we have to do before we get to adopt Annie is take her to a Psychologist for a "Developmental" or a psych evaluation.

Now the first thing I pictured was her looking at Warshak test- inkblots- and going, "Dahhh" and then "dahhh" (her word for dog) over and over. I laughed. Because that's what I do when I don't understand things. And then I realized I really had to take my baby in for a psych eval and got sweaty. Because with laughter, that's also my body's defense mechanism.

So I head down to the posh side of town- which for a SAHM is a treat no matter what kind of appt it is- Galleria, um yeah! We head up to the top floor and then I pray that I don't get the eval because sisters we all know I ain't right in the head- never have been!

The doc is nice enough and I can tell he isn't a believer straight away just tale-tell signs so I drop my faith flags- "We've been really blessed with her. We are praying for her.."

He asks me all sorts of questions I can barely answer because I don't have her medical history and I didn't carry her or deliver her- she was delivered to us. I get nervous because the info I do have is not pretty. It's the info that would devastate you to hear and it's stuff that you never that you would ever cohort with let alone take into your life as your own and raise knowing-
- you don't have and will never have all the medical, psychological, emotional details for
- your baby did not have the clean, pure womb where you measured your caffeine intake or cut out completely- no quite the opposite
- you have no blood ties to be able to predict anything
These facts or lack thereof really hit you in the face everytime you take your adopted love in for a check up or meet a new someone that's going to give them care or see if they should allow you to care for her and it makes you go, wow, I'm completely and utterly out of control on this. I have zero control.

I have zero input.

Nothing.

I'm, we, are taking this darling, precious and in our eyes perfect child as is.

I just answer the questions to the best of my abilities.

At the end he tells me that she might be predisposed to various behavioral things or she might not. She might have trouble with this or that. But on the whole, we really "lucked out" and that she is as sweet as she can be.

We didn't luck out sir, God did all of this. With all due respect to his profession, he does not know my baby's future or her past the God, Creator of all things, has that planned out and has since before time began and He made my baby and all babies just flipping perfect.

She is fearfully and wonderfully (Psalm 139:14) made by golly and there is nothing or no one that will tell me different.

She is lovely.

She is a daughter of the King of Kings!

She is absolutely not a mistake. Her life has meaning and we are so glad her mom made that one good choice and chose life!!

Amen and amen.

His office sent a report. Now, I'm a literature lover. I read every pamphlet, every syllabus, every handout, but this one, naaaah. I read the first couple of sentences and something, Holy Spirit, made me stop.

God has already given me a report. I don't need to sit and speculate on what God has planned because He has already done the thing. And it is good my friends.

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." - John 16:33

Thank you God for adopting me as is. Thank you for loving me how I am so I can love others just as they are.

1. but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.- Romans 5:8

We are looking forward to signing adoption placement papers at the end of February and hopefully, we pray, the Gotcha Day in March! 

Our Letter to the Birth Mother.

For some time I've had it on my heart to write a letter from our family to Annie's birth mother to tell her our hearts. Wouldn't you want that? I know I would.

This whole fostering to adopt through CPS process has grown my compassion for people that make bad choices. Not that I'm excluded from that list- far from it really. But the type of choices that leave one with their child(ren) in a foster to adopt case.

 I confess to me it's so simple, just say no! But in all this God has given my heart a tenderization towards those who make really poor life decisions. I'm thankful for this new perspective.

I don't know if you can imagine with me what writing a letter trying to explain your heart to a person that most likely hates you looks or feels like. I can't imagine it myself it's just too overwhelming for this simpleton. So I just prayed for God to do the talking.

And I pray that in showing this that it would give hope to those in need of that today.

And won't you join me in praying for those who need to know God's truth? Thank you.

Dear ___________,

We are writing this to let you know our heart for you and for precious Annie.

First, we want to thank you for choosing life for this precious baby. We believe that God gives life to babies in the womb and we prayed and prayed for this little girl before she was even born to be healthy and we know God heard our prayers as we prayed for her and you. We want you to know that we think you made the right choice in letting her live and be born and we thank God for that decision you made.

We hope you know that we love this baby as our own. We love her so very much.

 We plan to love her forever and ever no matter where God places her. She is so very dear and precious to our hearts and to her sister. She is being taken care of to our very, very best abilities and to our highest standards. We sing to her, play with her, read to her, talk with her, change her often, laugh with her, and take her to church every week and during the week. We pray for her all the time, and we plan to continue showing her our unconditional love just like God loves us and you.

She is such a blessing and an answer to a prayer for our family. We hope you know that we have done everything we can for her well being within our means and will continue to keep her safe, healthy and protected. Should she need anything in regards to a particular school environment, medical need, braces (she is a thumb sucker), college, anything we will do our very best to get it done for her. We will never hold back any of our resources and again we will always strive for the VERY best in everything she needs.

Since she is a part of our family we plan to teach her in God’s Holy Word, the Bible, so that she will know the love of God and the plans He has for her precious life. His plan for her is found in Jeremiah 29:11-13:

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

And also in 1 Timothy 2:4: We see that God --

“who wants all people to be saved and to come to a knowledge of the truth.”

That Truth is found in John 3:16:

“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”

And we are praying this prayer for you too, ________. That you may know that you are wonderfully made, that Jesus loves you and He wants His best for you and that is to know Him. We have been praying that for you and will continue to do so, no matter what.

As a mother, I personally cannot imagine your pain. I pray you are healed. And I pray you know that Jesus loves you so much He died for you and wants you to know Him personally.  

We also pray that should God choose us to be her forever family that you would have peace in your heart knowing that Annie will be treated like a princess because she is a daughter of the King, Jesus, and we love her with all our hearts.

                                                                                      May the Lord be with you,

                                                                                      Annie’s Foster Family

Know Nothing

It's been a while gang.

We've got an 11 month old in the house who's cruising and babbling with some successful words thrown in. 

A growing 8 year old who says things like, "I do not fear death." and I respond, "But can you please just put your shoes where they're supposed to go." 

My beloved Johnicles that I call all the time while he's at work because dangit I just miss him and want to recall a funny movie quote, "Did you tell him they were the Lord's chips??!"  (Nacho Libre - eet's the best.) I love him so much. If cheese were people he'd be the best kinds.

Segue, you can still find me grating cheese at around 1pm almost daily. Who knows what for- lunch? Snack? Dinner? Apocalypse? 

The other day after dinner, we looked up what a wombat looks like and surprise THEY'RE ADORABLE: 

source: http://www.factzoo.com/mammals/wombats.html

I'm still walking and seeing CANIGETAWITNESSUPINHERE!? People stop me and go, "Wow! I remember you in the wheelchair!" And now I'm pushing a stroller. Jesus did it. 

Still doing the Lovely Girls Club deal even though I'm so unworthy, but have so much passion for what God wants and needs HIS girls to hear. DGMS about that I will go on for a fortnight.

We're taking pics of our precious dears, but not posting them on FB because it would not be prudent given the nature of our foster to adopt case. It's so funny, not ha ha funny, but surreal funny. We take pics, we do the events/carnivals/obligatory kid things/birthdays/etc. and yet, it's like God has taken away that I MUST HAVE THE WORLD SEE THIS rigmarole.

 Heck, I'm not judging. How else can g'ma see those fun times if she lives in Montego Bay? By the way, can I go and visit your grandmother if she lives there? Is that weird? Yes? I thought so too. 

I'm so conflicted. Maybe I haven't written in a while, because I feel too many emotions and fear I'll come off: at best a flibbertigibbet (If you've seen Joe vs. the Volcano- we are instafriends) or at worst, certifiable. 

Maybe I don't want to have a DTR with the world? DTR= Discuss the Relationship. 

But maybe that's just the enemy getting at me. 

It ain't no lie that sometimes I go through stuff that can be sort of isolating. And I remember when I am going through those moments how much I hate feeling as though no one gets it. And then I think to my self, "Self, I should blog about that."

Everybody goes through isolating trials. So we can get off people perhaps and grab on to Jesus? 

I get it. I get you in my limited human capacity.

 And really, truly, Jesus gets you always. 

This Sunday, i.e. yesterday, the one that I love had another birthday. I made him crepes and I'm the worst baker ever. THE WORST. And now, a Rodney Dangerfield-esque rant on how bad of a baker I am: 

I think I blacked out and someone actually came in and cooked them and then woke me up and made me think I did it. 

I'm so bad that I regularly look at cakewrecks.com to make myself feel better and laugh! 

I'm so bad at baking, I could have my own show: Baking Bad!!!

We can get this ebola thing under control guys because I made a freaking crepe! 3 of them! Then I didn't want to push it and stopped. Perfectionist people problems. 

We went to church. I cried and journaled and wished for a better pen collection so I could write faster to match my emotional flood writings.

We've got this darling baby girl. We've got her for who knows how long. But again I say, we don't know for how long we have anyone. Everyone's on loan from God's People Library, right? 

So we have this child we love. She loves us. She calls me mama and Johnicles, dada and Leelah, lala, and Boo, dughhhghsh. 

And in our hearts, our will for her is to be with us forever. But we have to daily surrender this to what God wants, His Will for her, and to be real honest I'm not that great at that. Most days I just go through them afraid to really let my heart guard down until some next man-made hearing/trial/appt/meeting/conference when we will FINALLY have her as ours. I know, I know, that's pretty selfish of me.

So at church I just felt the need to just let that guard down. I cannot hold my feelings hostage any longer. 

We love this baby. She is ours for however long God deems. So I'm just gonna love her and let my heart be broken like every other mom on earth who has to let their kid grow up, go to school, go on a mission trip, get married, and sometimes, very, very unthinkable hard times go to be with Jesus. 

Now I feel freer. I know this will be a continued process of telling the beavers to yet again stop damming up my heartworks so I can freely love this little angel without fear, but God can do this in me. 

And I know nothing. And I'm trying my best, in my very imperfect perfectionistic way to say, that's okay. 

  

The Four Nichols Two Cents must be crazy!

Hey guess what? I need to change my blog title to the FOUR Nichols Two Cents! That's right! Our darling squishy has come home to be a part of our family and we love her oh so much!!!! She came home on March 5th and yeah, everything is awesome.

I can't go into details because this is a foster to adopt situation. But what I can say is:
-It's a girl!
-She is under 1 yrs!
-We love her oh so much!
-Her arms and legs look like drumsticks!!

And oh the questions!
People are so funny.
Believe it or not, the number one question we get is:
"Did you adopt from overseas??" We know several knock-your-flip-flops-off families that have and they are great. But hey, we were not called to do that. We know God could provide in a heartbeat financially and whatever need, but He led us to adopt through CPS.

Now, I know what you are thinking not that I believe in mind reading, but you are thinking that I am off my glider with this. Oh sure, you are simultaneously thinking oh wow, so glad she could give a little one who's in a hard place a loving home-
but I COULD NEVER DO THAT.

What that do you mean exactly?

"That" meaning:
- the dealing with CPS-
well we have a fantastic, loving, and highly knowledgeable Christian agency who works with CPS (for free mind you!). And yeah, we do have to have dealings with CPS, but you know what? I've only had positive interactions with them so far. It's not a perfect system of course and there are some changes I would make if asked, but it's what God is using to place our daughter forever with us, we pray. And it's just allows for more chances to meet people and God willing, be used as a witness for Him.
Plus, when God says to take heart for He has conquered the world- I'm pretty sure that included CPS and any other red tape or person or entity I can think of.
- the visitations-
 yeah those are no fun at all. What's a visitation you ask? It's where you take your foster child to meet with their birth family- or whoever is presumed or named to be in some cases...
It stinks like poop outta water (yeah I said it!).
We've only been to 2 so far. There are 2 a month. The Husband goes with. He better! And after last time, we just pray during it. So at least we get to have prayer time together. Also, we look at it as just another piece of the puzzle that we have to do to complete this part of the journey.
- the birth family issue-
We pray for them.
We pray for them to first receive salvation.
For them to see Jesus and repent and find the way.
We pray for them to see Jesus in us.
This is hard, but what else can we do?
- the hearings-
 Everyone said: "It's not like what you see on TV." WRONG. It is. For us, it is. And that's fine, I'm so used to drama and things being all whaaaaaat??? It doesn't bother me. We just get to have that "front lines" feeling and really see God in action. I'm telling you. You having a bad day? Go to a courtroom downtown and watch people's lives being ripped apart or put back together and then thank God for the "Oh this Chick-fil-a line is too long!" grief you have to endure. Not that I'm hating- those lines are too long! 
- the worst fact of all-
We are in complete control of nothing except for the love we readily give this adorable child. That's it. Things change constantly on her case. And yes, she can be taken away from us at the drop of a hat. This has been naturally a truth that has already pre-broke my very sensitive (I don't watch sad movies y'all) heart.
Until God told me this- Leelah the lion-lover, John my bff, and any number of peeps I adore could also be taken away from me in an instant. Yes.
And now my heart is reconciled.
It really helps to go there for me. To actually picture that happening- in a healthy way. I don't want to grieve in advance and cause joy theft here- but just get to that point where I ask myself, "And what would I do next?" Turn to God and let Him be enough.

And we have this precious 7 yr old who thinks way too much. Our wonderful agency told us what to tell her:
"You are going to have a sister! And I know you will be a wonderful big sister to her and show her lots of love. She is going to be your foster sister until she can be your forever sister. You don't need to worry about what that means- mommy and daddy are waiting on what God is going to do about that- all you have to do is give her forever love."
"Okay, I love her already!" She says.

And for now, we hold this piece of Heaven and laugh and play and praise God.

Should He decide His best for her is not with us, we will be so very sad. But like those brave 3 in Daniel said, "But even if He does not, let it be known to you, O king, that we are not going to serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up.”

To me that means, I am gonna praise God no matter what He has planned for her and us in this because I know it is better than anything I can dream up or imagine.

Thank you all for praying for our family.