Too Many Feelings Bomb

I have so many feelings right now about things I have to blog or I'll burst. I'm way past caring who/if anyone reads these.

And to tie in to the last posts-
Homeschooling-
We are on our 8th week of the Nottingham Nichols School of Learning and loving it! Yesterday I had L use her iPod (We made her save up for it- I don't know what I need to rationalize the purchasing of it. I'm still on a, "Gameboys are expensive!!" mentality level.) to create a news report on the beginnings of the Yamato Dynasty in early Japan. Story of the World  breezing by guys- not trying to be all smart-pretentious like I'm making her learn about ancient dynasties or no supper!!!
(Sidenote: if anyone is looking for a suburban mom that dabbles in funny/haranguing life escapades that would love to venture to Japan- sign me up!! I've always wanted to go. Seeing the Grudge didn't hold me back!!)
But back to my brilliance of coming up with that report idea:
I blacked out. I don't know how that happened. It probably was a collaboration of guardian angels/Holy Spirit/L my student going, "I should make a news report about something!"

Pellets- hormone therapy.
I think I googled myself out of continuing with these. I don't like to quit anything, but I also don't like side effects... Moving on. Have I mentioned how hard it is on your body hormonally to have a hysterectomy at 26? I am looking forward to seeing a naturopath soon. I am so tired of doing the synthetic hormones for life approach. I know God is on His throne in this! The huzzy and I are working hard at making changes. Because we are old now and our bodies have decided to just be jerks.

I did my own hair highlights and no one noticed. I'm now calling them my, "ninja highlights." Subtly beautiful. Just go with it.

I'm still taking the response, "No." to a whole new level when it comes to new commitments. I'm all Meghan Trainor right now, and I kinda like it. But it also makes socializing real hard. I just need so much margin mentally and physically in my schedule these days. I do miss my friends.

But the real life pickle is in our precious and spicy little one.
Thankfully she was granted access in the PPCD- Preschool Program for Children with Disabilities.
This should be huge for her. It's preschool beginning at age 3. Now, I can tell right there judgment might commence.
"They're so young. Do children really need preschool at that age? They're only 3."
Yes, I completely get that and thought that before I had a child with autism spectrum disorder/sensory issues/temperament issues.
These kiddos need/crave/kill for routine. It has to be everyday to create new brain pathways to help them eventually find their place in the school setting/social settings.

At this point, I am thinking we will take the homeschool path with her after we give PPCD and possibly Kindergarten a try.

It is so hard.

I love her so much.

Ergo it is so hard.

3.5 hours of testing by 6-7 professionals in the school system/therapy world and they come back with "non-categorical-- autism." Meaning, at the age of 6 they will revisit her and see if that label has changed. This is where they put the, "I don't knows" in PPCD. I felt like we went through all the trials in Neverending Story- complete with these:

source

I am SO THANKFUL they were able to see past her beautiful strengths, her disarmingly cute, her beautiful blue-green eyes and saw that she struggles to self regulate. She has to work 1,000,000 times harder than typical children and it is beyond for her body's systems.

If people only knew her story. And that is just it. I want to level the playing field for her -- "She's acting out because she has had too much sensory things or not enough! Please be her friend!"
or
"You don't understand her backstory! You don't know how hard she had to fight in the womb! Just know she's doing her best!"
or
"Please stop asking if she has autism!!! Just love her the way she is and accept it and move on to help her!" -- that last one was for me personally and the powers that be cornering me in front of all the other parents at the door of her preschool to ask why we are putting her in PPCD.

I just want people to stop treating us differently while at the same time to treat us differently. It is just so hard.

It has been a year since we received the ASD (Autism Spectrum Diagnosis). October 8, 2015. I have felt like a zombie ever since honestly. Slowly coming back.

On the one hand I'm a cashew- so very thankful for the diagnosis and on the other side I'm a pistachio- oh my gosh she is having so much trouble and some days she doesn't and I don't know anything.
Mixed nuts completely.

I drop my little one off to a day out program and I see the other moms. I used to be them. Talking about typical things. I used to resent their perceived life ease in their active wear.
Their playdates where typical things happen.
Their Yukons. (Not entirely resent those, because I'm mighty proud of our POP- Paid Off Pilot!)
Their lunch plans.
How they can just run errands as they please.
How their kids don't fight looking at them in the eyes or holding their hands to cross the street.
They don't have to continually talk about, "First, then" schedules to prepare their child for EVERYTHING and God help you if you skip something.
They aren't telling their child- "PLEASE STOP YELLING!" as they leave the parking lot when they are taking a different route home because their child has completely memorized all routes everywhere and will mentally break if there is a train and a detour is needed.
Or maybe they are?

Why won't anyone call me to ask how we are drowning?

BUT I am NOT RESENTFUL GIRL anymore! I took/take that to God. Only He gets it truly and thinks I can do this. I can love this. I DO LOVE HER SO MUCH. I KNOW this is not her story. This is HIS story. She is a Phoenix! She will rise from the adoptive trauma ashes and she will- she is- doing BIG things in this world by just living everyday, trying so hard! Genesis 50:20 for life baby!

I cast my cares on the One who can take them and won't let me fail!

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.- 1 Peter 5:7

For He will give His angels charge concerning you, To guard you in all your ways. 12They will bear you up in their hands, That you do not strike your foot against a stone. 1-- Psalm 91:12

And I am not Resentful Girl, because that is an enemy tactic. If I am resentful, then I cannot be helpful to the other mamas out there that have children who are disregulated and have already experienced 10 full scale meltdowns just trying to get to Hobby Lobby to retain some sort of shred of normalcy for their other kids that didn't ask for this. And I know there are others out there no matter how they look in their Ray Bans.

I see my oldest. I don't care to brag, but golly gee she is a certified sibling rockstar. Sure, sometimes she just can't as we all- (I have "mommy headphone time" at about 4:00 pm each day where I watch Gilmore Girls by my dang self on the laptop with headphones)- BUT this girl "agape" loves her sister.

The other day I watched them in the backyard with raw awe at what God is doing. A 10 yr old and a 2 yr old- that alone is huge. How God has knitted us together. I just shake my head with amazement watching her deal with this little one who is so precious. Seeing how God is teaching her patience through fire. Wondering just how this is training her for loving on hurt people/animals in the future.

Since she was itty bitty she has wanted to be an exotic animal vet- translation- a lion vet. But ultimately, we want what God wants her to do. But I see it all so clearly even though nothing is clear.

Sister's been to enough therapy sessions, counseling sessions where she can lead a session through play with her unintentionally. I hate that on one side of token- because she even has to do that. The enemy throws heart daggers at me- Look what you did. (I'm referring to Satan here- Yes, I'm a Christian who believes in Spiritual Warfare as noted in the Bible). Sometimes I believe I did this. We were three. We were calm. We really moving along.

And then, the Holy Spirit, my heart, Jesus, snaps me out of it.

HELLO girlfriend. What if you had a biological child who had these struggles? Adoption or not, this is God ordained. He knew what my oldest needed in a sister. HE is giving her compassion, mercy, strength, TRUE FLIPPIN LOVE. And He is giving it to her in an abundance of meltdowns. Don't question it! Embrace it.

God did this, not me. And we were covered in prayer. We accept that, "What God has called us to- He will equip- has equipped us to handle."

Thank HIM!

Thank her!!! (Both the sister and the little one!)

You can't buy grace. If you could I'd go broke obtaining it. But God through this special girl is showering me with it daily.

I'd be remiss if I didn't mention my husband and gush on him. Johnicles, the Steadfast Boulder. I want to go there, but I have to get ready for the day ahead. I don't think it's going to be a lots-of-deodorant day, which is nice, but you never know!

Thank you for reading. And if you are praying for us. Thank you. It is beyond helpful.

I'm Sorry to My Church.

My Dear Church,

I'm so sorry for acting up like a turd.

Let's stop right there. I am now sorry for saying turd. Do y'all employ that word in your vernacular?
 You see, some people recognize that as a quasi-curse word. I used to be one of you people and have gradually come over to the dark side and it's fabulous because you now have another word to use that is just so eloquent in describing turdish things.

But I've been kind of a jerk and I'm not so self-focused (Well, I sure pray not. Maybe on Thursdays I am. Yes, definitely Thursdays. Bush beating at its finest here.)- self focused that I think the church has noticed or that anyone will read this. But God will and He is the one prompting me to write this as I have felt a gentle push to write this for that past month(s).

We gained a family member in Heaven this past spring. My husband's grandmother, Phyllis, who am I kidding- my beloved grandmother too- graduated. And I have missed her and will miss soaking her up at all of the family gatherings so much. Her witness will never leave me.

She was fun, tough, the sincerest listener, a champion for people, and loved others and the Lord very well. She once broke BOTH her arms- yes, simultaneously- and NEVER complained that I heard and just asked if we could be so kind to help her cut her pills in half. That was all really she needed. Dang.

And her funeral service in Huntsville, TX taught me a huge lesson that I had been real stanky about as of late: to LOVE YOUR CHURCH.

There were several who spoke- one being her church's pastor- about how she always rallied for the pastor and the church. She served many ministries with excellence. She never spoke ill of anything regarding her church- sort of like Paul says to do in Ephesians 4:29:

 "Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear."

 Well crud. I felt a very calm, loving nudge to my heart as I listened through tears at her precious example of Kingdom Womanry. Oh dear. I do not do this. Lord, please help me do this.

For several months, there has been construction tape in the recesses of my soul-mind. God has been doing some rebuilding after I learned of this huge sin in my life that all started because of my silly but powerful pride of, "What I want... What I would do..."

I know when the disparagement started. I "served" in a big ministry at our church-- a big outreach event to our students. I went with the wrong focus in mind possibly and maybe made it all about what "should be done." I came home put out with a surly attitude about how I'd do things better. I was wrong truly. It's kind of like when you have fur babies and you judge people with non-fur-babies saying all this and that, but really you don't know (and rightly so sometimes) a hill of beans about how to help those babies?

This event was several years ago I'm sad to say. I started to get all sweet and sour chicken on a place of believers that I had loved. And it showed.

Where before I had my boundaries built up- or was building appropriate ones through going to counseling (Hey, don't knock it if you ain't tried it!)- I began to listen to others' grievances. It was like my yuckiness garnered and sought out others' disgruntlement to hang out with and commiserate. That is straight up not okay like the mitosis of diseased cells. While I did bring up my beefs to leaders within the church- my feelings on the issue and some points I believe were valid- I also brought it up to others who would listen. I should not have done that as it may have soiled their minds on the place we are all supposed to worship and love in.

I'm sorry. Instead of solely complaining and being quietly irate- I should have prayed and given it all to God and stuck in there-- maybe God was trying to show me something that He needed me to help with or understand better?

My hurt heart did not go to Jesus with this. Pride? I guess? I went out and not up.

And then I started to carry all the weights of others on my back and sink.

The people that I listened to about their issues with the church were beloved to me! They had hearts for Jesus for sure. They were in the Word. But you know what? That should have been between them and God. I should have politely turned the conversation to something else and or never started the conversation in the first place.

Instead, I picked up their playdoh crumbles with my huge playdoh grief ball mound and absorbed them. The enemy (Satan) loved this by the way I'm sure of it because it further distanced me from my church family.

I subtly protested by not signing up for things that I previously enjoyed. When I did sign up for things I felt obligated to, I didn't serve with an unexpectant heart, but with a huge hand open waiting for what I thought would happen. Uh oh and yuck. And of course, I grabbed up any drama that ensued instead of taking that to God and correctly thinking -- that is THEIR issue, their stuff. NOT mine.-- I microscopically picked it apart and whatever aided in furthering my heart hurt I tacked on my message board of: "See, it's like I've been saying!"

Every church has their own stuff because we, "all stumble in many ways." James 3:2

Grandmother's witness continued to shine light on how my problems (and all the others' problems I collected) were deterring my direct family from serving and growing. AWFUL.

The worst- my complaining to my husband.

Why is that your spouse is the one who it's okay to gossip to or just unload your turdness on? Granted, venting is needed and necessary after a particularly long day of dis-triumph, say in the parenting dept.

But he goes to the church too. And the Lord is not telling him to leave-- so I should definitely not be misleading him. This is the key here. God has set up a system- a gender equality system- but also a leadership that helps lay out God's Will. I was not honoring that with my words and thoughts and I feel terrible about that.

I'm sorry Johnicles. Thank you for staying strong on the course like the straight arrow you are.

I know that a lot of this was brought on by my actual physical sickness (I've had 10 eye surgeries and that's just the eyes!), being tired, and more recently, my post-adoptive depression (maybe someday I will post about this!). But ownership had to happen on my end- all with God's grace. 

So I was my own dislocated lens in the "body of Christ." I, the one with googly, dislocated lenses in earthly life, was acting like the dislocated lenses in the Spiritual life. (See 1 Corinthians 12)

How foolish! How selfish. And what a strategy of Satan to de-unify the church. Well it worked and I am sorry. But now thanks to our Grandmother's service I know what I have to do.

I signed up as fast as I could to help in some way with VBS- BOOM!

I'm letting go of that entangling discontent. God is leading me to seek out church staff and pray for them and thank them and like our dear Phyllis- champion them! I can't imagine what they go through in serving God's mission and purposes.

It might be quiet, but I'm trying really hard to not speak ill will turd stuff to John when there is a lull in conversation. 

I'm prayerfully letting go of other non-Kingdom commitments so I can be ready to serve if God asks. And He has forgiven me and is renewing my mind to get back on His track. Isn't it so gracious and humbling that He wants to still use me- the messed up googly eyed girl- in His business?

All because of the beautiful testimony of a Pastor regarding one of his churchgoers that was supportive and thus like Jesus- I have a newfound hope and joy that is returning to my heart! I don't look for yuck. I see the glory!

I'm so thankful to my church home and family for the past 10 years. They love our family as is, just like Jesus does, as good as humans can!

Is your church committed to studying and teaching the Word (Not adding to it)- the Bible, to declaring Jesus is the ONLY way to Heaven, His resurrection and His power over death and Satan? Are they are actively pursuing the Great Commission? Then this is it! Thank God for them and Lord, help us all to be undiseased parts of the body for Your Glory!

Just Special.

I've attempted to write this post about 4 times. It's such a weird time in the world of everybody sharing everything. It's weird when you feel called to share your journey of adoption- specifically, fostering to adopt through CPS- but yet, you are talking about your precious baby's past and future. She can't give me her permission to share this because she's a baby. Well, she's every bit a toddler right now. I'm just trusting that God has prompted me to write this and that it will be an encouragement to others sharing in this journey.

What to share? What to save? Who needs to hear this? Who doesn't? And how early is too early to order a pizza?

It's all too much for me at times.

We were in the post church shuffle just trying to get some lunch.

I stepped away from Annie for a minute, and she started screaming, "MAHHHHMAAAAHHHH!"

A friend of mine witnessed it and was taken aback at the tenderness of the moment I guess of her calling me mama and missing me. I'm her real mama. I told my friend if I really stopped to ponder at all the moments that God is working or doing something in her life, I'd be in tears all day. My favorite stories are underdog stories.

I'm the mama she knows.

And yet, y'all adoption is hard. It's beyond me.

People think you are done after Gotcha Day. But when the celebration is over and the visitations with birth family stop and the lawyer bills subside- oh wait- that just happened. Oh no! I think they sensed me talking about them. Great, now we just got billed for thinking about them! (Yes, CPS adoption is free-minimal cost - just pay for lawyer fees!).

When all the hoopla stops, you are there with your child just praying for them to see you as their safe place, their family, their mama. To make eye contact. To have her smile at you. To have any kind of affection shown towards you. I feel selfish writing that.

But what about when they have trouble processing information? Or when their physiological bents take over and all they remember is surviving?

And people think because you adopt a baby they won't remember what they've been through. "Oh you got her so young so all she will know is you." Or, "She won't have any acting out, because she is so young."

Babies can remember. Babies know way more than we think.

People are posting pics of sweet moments and tender times and funny trials and I'm over here like, Lord. Please don't let my child act out towards me again in a way that is traumatic for her, me, sister, and daddy. Please let us have a good day. Please help her to speak. Please equip me. Please also let us have a dinner or time out of the house without tons of screaming. 

Special needs. Wow. I just had no idea. I still have no idea. I'm overwhelmed and tired and in such need of grace.

And now we await neurologists, visiting therapists, so many "ists! and getting evaluated and measured and on and on. But I'm not going to get all wrapped up in that. God holds her future. No matter what.

It's so worth the bad days. God did this for me. We love because He first loved us (1 John 4:19). I really think this is what life is all about- grace and love. We just are all in need of these desperately without strings or judgment, but with His Word as the best way.

be.ye.fabulous.

When someone just loves on Annie regardless of her 'tude of the moment I just want to full on hug them forever. Thank you. Thank you for loving my baby girl.

God has shown me the meaning of grace in our Annie. We are loved because He first loved us. That's it. Our actions do not warrant love. Our sin sure as heck doesn't. But guess what, we got perfect love in a Savior. If He can do that for me than I can with His help do that for her.

And I love her so much. Annie, I'm so thankful for the gift of you!

And if I hear the term, "Just a mom" one more time I will lose my witness. I hear it in women describing themselves. I see it online in various forms mostly in MLM business opportunities. For the love of Benji. Let's remove the just. I'm guilty of saying this and thinking this, but how about we look in the spiritual realm for a minute as best as our earthly eyes can muster (with my eyes, that's not much!).

We are raising up a generation. We are stepping in to do battle with forces of evil that wage war on our children (OH YOU BET I WENT THERE!). We battle with diaper wipes, ponytail holders, and hugs and mercy and fruit snacks. Moms, know you're worth. You are worth God's Son! You are warriors placed here to raise up children for the Kingdom! Don't ever forget it. 

My Facebook Fast.

Well I have been Facebook free since Monday morning when I said bon voyage! Here's to seeing more 'faces' and reading more 'books!' My hands are shaking, I'm all sweaty and twitchy, and I keep telling my family randomly aloud, "I'm 4 days off of Facebook!" JNOFB (John Not on Facebook) looks at me with slight disdain and sarcastically feigns out a yay, but I feel pretty good about it.

Here's what I have seen with the whole FB fast:

1. My house is cleaner. 

Stop. You guys need to understand it's taken me almost 11 years of applied home making to learn: my house will never be clean. So when I say, "clean" I mean I've actually had more time to consider and sometimes actually clean it. "Progress not perfection." 

Sidejaunt:

What the poo is my problem anyway with keeping my house up? I have excuses, but since I used to REALLY have valid excuses: blindness, not walking-hip malfunctioning, super crazy painful endometrioblahblahblah, I guess my regular- I'm tired, I went grocery shopping AND to Target, it's bone-scathing hot outside, I'm bloated, etc. excuses don't count. 

So here's my deep dark excuse for my house imperfection: 

HBO. I watched "Sleeping with the Enemy" at waaaaay too early of an age and it freaked me out. Therefore, my house will not be perfect. Ever. Moving on. 

2. I do things my kids want and actually fulfill promises. 

Not perfectly- again see above- but this week the Leelahnator was wanting (FINALLY) a Jedi costume-- okay, okay, she wanted a sith costume- so we went to Hobby Lobby bought some remnant black fleece fab and I actually sewed one up. It's the biggest lint trapper ever on record, but she was so jazzed she told friends at the park, "My mom is off of Facebook and made me a Jedi Knight costume!" Wow. 

Kids. Always throwin' parents under the Metro. Thanks Kid. 

3. I have had a 10% increase in happiness from not seeing people's vacay posts. 

Look I'm not a hater I promise. I'm so very glad for my friends and I'm not a Grumpy Cat about your trip to see {insert exotic locale with non-flesh eating bacteria filled waters- Galveston- get it together- You so narsty!!!!!}. Truly wish you the best on your holiday, but this is our year when med expenses for our precious dear heart and little tummy exploder, Anners, has hit us big time. So we are sans vacays for now and that's great! I mean, I just took off my braces 20 months early so we could afford my eldest's ortho treatment and my youngest's tummy grumble issues and the a/c----- 

THAT. A. C. Y'ALL SO HELP ME. Sidejaunt #2. 

We live in an 80's home. For the love of Benji himself. We knew that going into it. Living in Katy you really have no say almost in where you will live. You take what you get and you don't throw a fit! Or you build your own home if your last name rhymes with Broccollefeller. I love our new home. I do. It's so great. Sidetrack in a sidejaunt: It has tile stairs that may or may not be up to code according to our inspector. Tile. Stairs. Sink it in hence the interrupting period punctuation. TILE. STAIRS. Kill me stairs. -- back to the other sidejaunt-- as I was typing that John just hit himself walking down said, "killstairs." But we are saving for an a/c right now because it keeps pulling crap- can I say that on Television? (cue green slime on head!)


and we know the time for a new unit, it's a comin.

(I'm going to have a moment later when I'm second guessing the above a/c purchase rant when I think about all those who live without a/c in places that are 1,000 degrees and hate myself. But I grew up here in Houston with a/c so my body is conditioned to this. You understand.)

So back to #3. It's nice just not comparing myself to everyone and everything I see on there. Oh I will be back on to see my fam, blah blah. Wait, I just said what I hate: 

"I'm on facebook to see my family!" I promise! 

Yeah, it is true for me. I love seeing my family. My family can post whatever they want and I'm all hand claps and high fives!!!! I do, but letsbehonest we all go on there to see what the haps is! 

4. I don't have as much to say about other people so I have to actually practice listening now. 

Okay, that sounds awful and it kind of is. Listening is not my best skill. Not at all. God is really working on me in this area to make it my jam. I did listen before, I did! And I wasn't a full out gossip when I say talk about other people. I guess I don't have as much as what JNOFB calls, a "hive-mind" now that I'm off of FB. So in that sense, I am on a vacay!!!

JNOFB is so above me in all this Facebook foolery. But JNOFB also treats Linked In like his own private FB so.... yeahhh.... 

But I miss: 

People being funny. If you are funny or if you have an amazing life/mom hack/book rec/movie rec and most importantly: you know a good local restaurant- then I'm allboutthat!!!!!!!!  

It's like Karaoke: Only get up there if a). You got skillz. Like an 8 octave range and can hit the "whistle register." - This will never be me. b). You are funny and are unembarrassable. 

When people post anything about cheese or pizza or tacos or queso.

I miss family/friends good things. FB is a great source for good news. 

I miss messages I get from friends considering adoption or Lovely Girls Club.

I love seeing people post about Jesus. Especially people that didn't post about Him before. 

So yeah I say this not that I'm pretentious enough to think anyone cares, but

UPDATE: I did post this to FB and spoke of irony, but I clicked share and immediately got off. Didn't even see a notification!!!

UPDATE ALSO: Did you know that when Master Facebook senses you have not been on for a day you get an email recap!??!!?! Crazy. I just straight delete that foolishness.

As Is.

We went to court for what we thought was going to be a simple status review hearing for our foster to adopt case. What ended up happening was nothing less than the Hand of God moving and speeding things along through the Judge. IT was awesome y'all.

The Judge realizing all the time that has gone on and the progress made decided to hurry it up and thus knocked 1-3 months off of the whole adoption. Praise God.

So now as we stage our home to get ready to sell, (Yes, Lord willing we are going to be doing Apartment Life ministry known as CARES) we are also knocking off a to-do list for things that have to be done prior to the finalization of our baby's adoption.

To redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons. And because you are sons, God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, crying, “Abba! Father!” So you are no longer a slave, but a son, and if a son, then an heir through God.-- Gal. 4:5-7

When I was a little girl, I helped out at my dad's car dealership. He sold pre-owned- actually let's be honest "pre-owned" wasn't even a term back then, "used" luxury vehicles. Mostly Mercedes. Or as we called them, "chuggers" because their old diesel engines made funny chug chug chug sounds. And I didn't really help out, I mostly played the Ms. Pac Man machine in the warehouse where we kept all the inventory. Yes, I will dominate you if you play me at that game. Don't even go there girlfriend!

What always interested me were the cars "stickers." They told the mileage, if it had a warranty or if it was to be sold "as is." Funny sidenote, I used to answer the phones and I'd say, "Alpine Auto all books and records!" I think it's because I always heard them say the cars came with all "books and records."

I just thought the term, "As Is" was interesting.

One of the slew of things we have to do before we get to adopt Annie is take her to a Psychologist for a "Developmental" or a psych evaluation.

Now the first thing I pictured was her looking at Warshak test- inkblots- and going, "Dahhh" and then "dahhh" (her word for dog) over and over. I laughed. Because that's what I do when I don't understand things. And then I realized I really had to take my baby in for a psych eval and got sweaty. Because with laughter, that's also my body's defense mechanism.

So I head down to the posh side of town- which for a SAHM is a treat no matter what kind of appt it is- Galleria, um yeah! We head up to the top floor and then I pray that I don't get the eval because sisters we all know I ain't right in the head- never have been!

The doc is nice enough and I can tell he isn't a believer straight away just tale-tell signs so I drop my faith flags- "We've been really blessed with her. We are praying for her.."

He asks me all sorts of questions I can barely answer because I don't have her medical history and I didn't carry her or deliver her- she was delivered to us. I get nervous because the info I do have is not pretty. It's the info that would devastate you to hear and it's stuff that you never that you would ever cohort with let alone take into your life as your own and raise knowing-
- you don't have and will never have all the medical, psychological, emotional details for
- your baby did not have the clean, pure womb where you measured your caffeine intake or cut out completely- no quite the opposite
- you have no blood ties to be able to predict anything
These facts or lack thereof really hit you in the face everytime you take your adopted love in for a check up or meet a new someone that's going to give them care or see if they should allow you to care for her and it makes you go, wow, I'm completely and utterly out of control on this. I have zero control.

I have zero input.

Nothing.

I'm, we, are taking this darling, precious and in our eyes perfect child as is.

I just answer the questions to the best of my abilities.

At the end he tells me that she might be predisposed to various behavioral things or she might not. She might have trouble with this or that. But on the whole, we really "lucked out" and that she is as sweet as she can be.

We didn't luck out sir, God did all of this. With all due respect to his profession, he does not know my baby's future or her past the God, Creator of all things, has that planned out and has since before time began and He made my baby and all babies just flipping perfect.

She is fearfully and wonderfully (Psalm 139:14) made by golly and there is nothing or no one that will tell me different.

She is lovely.

She is a daughter of the King of Kings!

She is absolutely not a mistake. Her life has meaning and we are so glad her mom made that one good choice and chose life!!

Amen and amen.

His office sent a report. Now, I'm a literature lover. I read every pamphlet, every syllabus, every handout, but this one, naaaah. I read the first couple of sentences and something, Holy Spirit, made me stop.

God has already given me a report. I don't need to sit and speculate on what God has planned because He has already done the thing. And it is good my friends.

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." - John 16:33

Thank you God for adopting me as is. Thank you for loving me how I am so I can love others just as they are.

1. but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.- Romans 5:8

We are looking forward to signing adoption placement papers at the end of February and hopefully, we pray, the Gotcha Day in March! 

Our Letter to the Birth Mother.

For some time I've had it on my heart to write a letter from our family to Annie's birth mother to tell her our hearts. Wouldn't you want that? I know I would.

This whole fostering to adopt through CPS process has grown my compassion for people that make bad choices. Not that I'm excluded from that list- far from it really. But the type of choices that leave one with their child(ren) in a foster to adopt case.

 I confess to me it's so simple, just say no! But in all this God has given my heart a tenderization towards those who make really poor life decisions. I'm thankful for this new perspective.

I don't know if you can imagine with me what writing a letter trying to explain your heart to a person that most likely hates you looks or feels like. I can't imagine it myself it's just too overwhelming for this simpleton. So I just prayed for God to do the talking.

And I pray that in showing this that it would give hope to those in need of that today.

And won't you join me in praying for those who need to know God's truth? Thank you.

Dear ___________,

We are writing this to let you know our heart for you and for precious Annie.

First, we want to thank you for choosing life for this precious baby. We believe that God gives life to babies in the womb and we prayed and prayed for this little girl before she was even born to be healthy and we know God heard our prayers as we prayed for her and you. We want you to know that we think you made the right choice in letting her live and be born and we thank God for that decision you made.

We hope you know that we love this baby as our own. We love her so very much.

 We plan to love her forever and ever no matter where God places her. She is so very dear and precious to our hearts and to her sister. She is being taken care of to our very, very best abilities and to our highest standards. We sing to her, play with her, read to her, talk with her, change her often, laugh with her, and take her to church every week and during the week. We pray for her all the time, and we plan to continue showing her our unconditional love just like God loves us and you.

She is such a blessing and an answer to a prayer for our family. We hope you know that we have done everything we can for her well being within our means and will continue to keep her safe, healthy and protected. Should she need anything in regards to a particular school environment, medical need, braces (she is a thumb sucker), college, anything we will do our very best to get it done for her. We will never hold back any of our resources and again we will always strive for the VERY best in everything she needs.

Since she is a part of our family we plan to teach her in God’s Holy Word, the Bible, so that she will know the love of God and the plans He has for her precious life. His plan for her is found in Jeremiah 29:11-13:

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

And also in 1 Timothy 2:4: We see that God --

“who wants all people to be saved and to come to a knowledge of the truth.”

That Truth is found in John 3:16:

“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”

And we are praying this prayer for you too, ________. That you may know that you are wonderfully made, that Jesus loves you and He wants His best for you and that is to know Him. We have been praying that for you and will continue to do so, no matter what.

As a mother, I personally cannot imagine your pain. I pray you are healed. And I pray you know that Jesus loves you so much He died for you and wants you to know Him personally.  

We also pray that should God choose us to be her forever family that you would have peace in your heart knowing that Annie will be treated like a princess because she is a daughter of the King, Jesus, and we love her with all our hearts.

                                                                                      May the Lord be with you,

                                                                                      Annie’s Foster Family

Know Nothing

It's been a while gang.

We've got an 11 month old in the house who's cruising and babbling with some successful words thrown in. 

A growing 8 year old who says things like, "I do not fear death." and I respond, "But can you please just put your shoes where they're supposed to go." 

My beloved Johnicles that I call all the time while he's at work because dangit I just miss him and want to recall a funny movie quote, "Did you tell him they were the Lord's chips??!"  (Nacho Libre - eet's the best.) I love him so much. If cheese were people he'd be the best kinds.

Segue, you can still find me grating cheese at around 1pm almost daily. Who knows what for- lunch? Snack? Dinner? Apocalypse? 

The other day after dinner, we looked up what a wombat looks like and surprise THEY'RE ADORABLE: 

source: http://www.factzoo.com/mammals/wombats.html

I'm still walking and seeing CANIGETAWITNESSUPINHERE!? People stop me and go, "Wow! I remember you in the wheelchair!" And now I'm pushing a stroller. Jesus did it. 

Still doing the Lovely Girls Club deal even though I'm so unworthy, but have so much passion for what God wants and needs HIS girls to hear. DGMS about that I will go on for a fortnight.

We're taking pics of our precious dears, but not posting them on FB because it would not be prudent given the nature of our foster to adopt case. It's so funny, not ha ha funny, but surreal funny. We take pics, we do the events/carnivals/obligatory kid things/birthdays/etc. and yet, it's like God has taken away that I MUST HAVE THE WORLD SEE THIS rigmarole.

 Heck, I'm not judging. How else can g'ma see those fun times if she lives in Montego Bay? By the way, can I go and visit your grandmother if she lives there? Is that weird? Yes? I thought so too. 

I'm so conflicted. Maybe I haven't written in a while, because I feel too many emotions and fear I'll come off: at best a flibbertigibbet (If you've seen Joe vs. the Volcano- we are instafriends) or at worst, certifiable. 

Maybe I don't want to have a DTR with the world? DTR= Discuss the Relationship. 

But maybe that's just the enemy getting at me. 

It ain't no lie that sometimes I go through stuff that can be sort of isolating. And I remember when I am going through those moments how much I hate feeling as though no one gets it. And then I think to my self, "Self, I should blog about that."

Everybody goes through isolating trials. So we can get off people perhaps and grab on to Jesus? 

I get it. I get you in my limited human capacity.

 And really, truly, Jesus gets you always. 

This Sunday, i.e. yesterday, the one that I love had another birthday. I made him crepes and I'm the worst baker ever. THE WORST. And now, a Rodney Dangerfield-esque rant on how bad of a baker I am: 

I think I blacked out and someone actually came in and cooked them and then woke me up and made me think I did it. 

I'm so bad that I regularly look at cakewrecks.com to make myself feel better and laugh! 

I'm so bad at baking, I could have my own show: Baking Bad!!!

We can get this ebola thing under control guys because I made a freaking crepe! 3 of them! Then I didn't want to push it and stopped. Perfectionist people problems. 

We went to church. I cried and journaled and wished for a better pen collection so I could write faster to match my emotional flood writings.

We've got this darling baby girl. We've got her for who knows how long. But again I say, we don't know for how long we have anyone. Everyone's on loan from God's People Library, right? 

So we have this child we love. She loves us. She calls me mama and Johnicles, dada and Leelah, lala, and Boo, dughhhghsh. 

And in our hearts, our will for her is to be with us forever. But we have to daily surrender this to what God wants, His Will for her, and to be real honest I'm not that great at that. Most days I just go through them afraid to really let my heart guard down until some next man-made hearing/trial/appt/meeting/conference when we will FINALLY have her as ours. I know, I know, that's pretty selfish of me.

So at church I just felt the need to just let that guard down. I cannot hold my feelings hostage any longer. 

We love this baby. She is ours for however long God deems. So I'm just gonna love her and let my heart be broken like every other mom on earth who has to let their kid grow up, go to school, go on a mission trip, get married, and sometimes, very, very unthinkable hard times go to be with Jesus. 

Now I feel freer. I know this will be a continued process of telling the beavers to yet again stop damming up my heartworks so I can freely love this little angel without fear, but God can do this in me. 

And I know nothing. And I'm trying my best, in my very imperfect perfectionistic way to say, that's okay. 

  

Romania: The Roma People you need to know about.

I'm a question-asker. Pretty good at it really. Maybe because I'm frequently confused.

I asked our missionary trip director what is the deal with the persecution of the Gypsy population- I will refer to them as Roma- people? 

Why are they singled out from the Romanian people and from other Europeans and Americans? 

Why are they not allowed to go to the churches outside their villages in Romania (and around the world)? 

An astounding aside for you- there is a story about a man who was looking for community, looking for Jesus from India who was turned away from a church. You may have already ascertained that that man was none other than Gandhi. 

What the crap "Christians!?" Why are you turning anyone away!? Can you imagine if Gandhi had accepted Jesus!?!!!!!!!?????!!!!!!!!!!! 

That mess makes my blood pressure elevate. And I have amazing blood pressure levels! 

Good at asking questions.

Great blood pressure. 

Well aren't I a braggard! ?

GET TO THE POINT WOMAN!

The trip director, who I daresay is a legacy-leaver and wonderful follower of Jesus, asked me what people usually think of when they hear: "gypsy." 

The people on our bus went up and down- oh sorry I have a 9 month old- they said:

movers- transients,

pick-pockets,

thieves

Sadly I thought of bangle bracelets- I'm so sheltered and naive and just plain dumb about the world. Ugh. 

And then he challenged us- aren't those qualities found in every race? 

Of course! I admit, I personally didn't think of thieves. That's pretty harsh. I do live in rainbow-la-la-land though. I was stuck on the visual idea of the people. 

People are stuck on terrible stereotypes of the Roma people. It's maddening and a terrible misstep. I have not done my research on this at all. There are not just Roma people in Romania of course. There is a considerable population in America as well. There's much more I could say and research about all this of course. 

Upon arriving at the border of Hungary and Romania we stopped at a convenience store so I could exchange currency. A Roma child came up to me, must have been around 9 and at first I was tempted to begin trying to talk with her. I realized she was begging for money. The parents were somewhere in the vicinity. This was late at night.

 It was very confusing and jarring to watch. I learned then that giving her money would perpetuate the begging that her parents were making her do. 

In America, I've never seen a child beg on the streets. That was immensely unsettling. 

Here is what I know to be true about the Roma people that I learned during my mission trip to Romania.

For starters, they are people. 

They are God's children just like the people that are ignorantly singling them out are God's children. 

Ever read the Bible? (I'm working on it). You don't mess with God's children. Period.

They are beauties. 

They are treasures. 

 One of my pals!

And these photos are all unedited. These kids are that beautiful. 

I learned that education is a luxury for children from families that can afford food and clothing. The average child does not go past 3rd grade. Most times what is holding them back- lack of clothing and shoes.  It gets incredibly cold in Eastern Europe with averages in the 20's. The summers are like ours in Texas. If we only realized that a pair of shoes and some clothes are what could be holding children back from getting educated. That and the lack of education their families received. It's a cycle of course. 

And I'm over here in America complaining about back to school shopping issues. 

I must remember though that my God does not use shame! So I cannot go down the road of how I have acted and act, but what God wants me to do. 

 It costs about $300 per child to be put through the MANNA program (powers that be please correct any misinformation on here). This gives the children and adults a place to go to hear about Jesus: 

MANNA Church in Tinca, Romania

MANNA Children's church area in Tinca, Romania

It gives them access to the feeding center, i.e. a hot meal. 

 This little prayer warrior prayed and prayed and prayed before the meals. Does it get any more precious?

Maybe it was because I didn't exactly speak their language, but the one thing I noticed they weren't doing? Complaining. 

These kids were just playing and grateful and happy hearted. It was refreshing. 

They were all kinds of fun. 

And some of them are now honorary Texans as I got to teach some Bible lessons and of course taught them how to say, "Howdy!" and "Yee-Haw!" 

Thankfully I had access to a fabulous translator during the lessons. He really gave it heart! I tried God willing to teach them that they are God's Creation and that God thinks that His Creation is VERY GOOD! "Foarte Bun!" And then a lesson on God using us to do BIG things for His Kingdom. 

Then their pastor delivered messages and then we saw children go up front and become our sisters and brothers in Christ. 

And there's not much else I can add in the way of flair words to that statement. I don't need word apologetics here. It was God's work. 

Again, thanks to MANNA Worldwide for not sitting by, but for doing something and being the "hands and feet of Christ." 

Messed up in the Head. In the Best Way...

Speaking of the post title, did you know Hans was going to be such a turncoat?!! I'm usually all over those types of switcheroos in movies, but I guess I just blindly turned off my brain and kicked it in to: Disney Mode when I saw Frozen....

Hey guys! This is me, post-Europe! 

Don't worry, I'm not going to start saying Ciao and driving a Vespa on I-10 (although I have ALWAYS wanted to own Vespa). I did frequently say "ciao" to my Romanian friends though seeing as how that was their word for hi and bye, kinda like "aloha." 

It was weird and I'm all kinds of extra crazy now seeing what I've seen. 

In the same week I went from using Google Translate English to Chinese (simplified) to English to Hungarian then to English to Romanian. 

I time traveled overseas which is just about the most surreal deal ever. 

I saw that movie Transcendence on the plane and it was the most awfulest. I wanted to jump out and swim home it was that bad. Johnny Depp. For shame!!!!!!! I saw The Queen. Dang. That Helen Mirren. What can't she do!?!?!?!

Oh, by the way, thank you to all that helped fund and prayed for my mission trip to Romania! God showed out in a big way as my trip was funded in the first five minutes from when I posted the need on FB -when I got the text from a family friend through church saying his company (if you are in Houston- Total Package Turnkey remodeling/renovation does great work- have used their services!!) would pay for whatever I didn't raise and sponsor me! This family has inspired me as being on fire for the Lord in wherever or through whatever He sends their way. I pray I can be as good of a steward with the provisions God gives me as they have. So that was all God!! 

If you were following- not that I have anyone following what I do except concerned family members- my facebook posts the day I left I was delayed and got to spend the night in Miami- AI PAPI! 

I looked everywhere for Gloria and her MSM entourage, but alas, it was me and 300 British people trying to get back across the pond to their home. I did what anyone would do: Sociology experiments, aka people-watch. 

Talks with a Pretend Michael Caine. 

After not talking to a human being for 9 hours and befriending a "Smarte Carte" who became my "Wilson" (think Castaway) I got up the courage to chat up a Brit who looked like Sir Michael Caine on the bus ride to our overnight (paid for- holler!!) stay at the Best Western Plus (it was REALLY nice to be honest- I would vouch for that with where I've stayed, but I don't want to sound pretentious-- it rhymes with "Raylord Talms" and "Pairmont...."). 

We really hit it off me and the pretend Michael Caine. I could have talked with him for hours. He reminded me of a British version of my dad. For real. I learned he was retired. He had gone on "holiday" to Miami, his first time to the states. 

I began our convo by trying to figure out why there were so many Brits coming from Miami by hilariously imploring, "So. Why are all you British folk here? Is it another invasion?" He laughed and assured me, "Heavens no! I'm trying to leave!" 

We talked about so many things on the way to that Best Western. 

What the deal was with all the Italians (my people! there were like 10 of them I think) and the man-bags?

Doctor Who. Is it really that big of a deal in Britain? What was a police box? 

How he was asked to dance by a Tranny in Miami and declined. 

The amazing patience of the British (MANY hours delayed, not one visible fit I saw!). I told him that Americans would be cussing and eating each other if that had been us. I saw this one couple just look at each other and shrug when they announced we'd be staying overnight. SHRUGGED. As in one shrug and done. 

British people. I want to know more about you. Pretend Michael Caine, you are the best. Maybe you're even better than Real Michael Caine. I do hope you find a beautiful lady gardener chum someday because you can't keep all that charm to yourself. No!

Why I'm Even More Messed up in the Head Now...

I've been hoarding all that I've seen in my brain. It's just done a number on me. 

I'm going to try to break it down, but the main point of everything was said by one of the amazing people in the group I went with (I really mean amazing- not like the word they throw out on the Bachelor meat market show!), he or she said this, 

"So many people go to change the world on a mission trip. But what changes is you." I might have paraphrased or screwed that up.

 But yes, I'm changed. I pray it lasts. 

Seeing more of the world makes me realize how much less I can do with what I think is my world. 

Meeting new people who can see miracles happen around them because they are so undistracted and unrushed. 

Seeing children, beautiful children, that have been pushed away by society because of their race, the Roma people (we know them as Gypsies here in America)- seeing them and their joy. 

Watching the kids confess sins in front of all their friends. I'm talking real deal sins (Not that one is above or bigger than the other) but stuff our kids are not confronted with. And then, become sisters and brothers with me in Christ. Powerful. 

Watching broken men and women, made not only whole in Christ, but redeemed and restored and and wholly refurbished, cleansed to spread their new found faith and restoration with their people. 

We heard a sermon on the prodigal son and then watched a prodigal daughter return from her travels as a prostitute and accept Jesus and come into His glory as a new creation. 

I saw 100 kids wait patiently, barefoot and with sores all over them, for a donated pair of shoes from one of the churches I went with. Then I saw them walk out with their pair with huge, grateful smiles on their beautiful faces. 

See what I mean? 

I'm messed up now. Even more than I already was. 

And I've felt weird about going there as almost a voyeur of sorts to watch these beautiful people. I prayed that I would tell their story the way Jesus told their story to me. 

Humbled is the word. Just what I've been praying for. 

More to come. 

Thank you MANNA Worldwide for providing opportunities to get messed up in the head for people like me. 

J & G Go Full Nerd. Comic-Con 2014.

Ever since we met each other Sci-Fi has been a thing for my huznand and I.

Before we dated, John actually proposed to me at the Bryan Walmart. At least it was a Supercenter! We were with some fellow Aggie Howdy Camp pals, shopping for overalls I think, and I stopped to gander at the videos particularly these beloved cinematic masterpieces:





So naturally, he knew I was legit and asked for my hand in marriage right there in the movie aisle. And then later when we did start dating this happened:

I think I've mentioned that we entered ourselves into the, at that time, Shadow Canyon Costume Contest and we got second place after the major lame: "Cereal Killer." Whatever, moving on...

And for more qualification, while most children were watching Smurfs (I totally watched it too) I was watching

:
And I was best friends forever with:


We've ALWAYS dreamed of going to a Sci-Fi Convention, you know where we could align with our people.
And this past weekend, with the everloving help of Nana and Poppa we made our pilgrimage a reality. Sans the little xenomorphs... Just too much going on for those little scrappers!
 First about Dallas:
The Comic-Con was at Dallas. Now let's park right there.
 Dallas is fancy.
We are Houston folk.
And there's always been this thing there. They are Neimans, we are at our best, Foley's/Dillards/Macy's. Oh sure, we have a Neimans (we used to have 2!), but we will only ever be FDM. And they, Dallasites?, know it. They complain about our traffic, because Houston is gosh-awful crowded, but Dallas has what we think is the most confusing highway layout. Their exits happen upon you SO FAST. So we spent I'd say like 2 hrs just trying to drive around and park and this and that.

Dallas is much easier on the eyes.
There I said it.

Dallas is less crowded.

But Dallas has cold weather whereas Houston just plays around with the concept 2 weeks out of the year. So to me, Dallas is out. It might as well be Neptune.

We were Lofty.
So we go, we stay in a loft. We pretended we are still relevant and somewhat young.
We even went to the bar up on the rooftop. Just typing that made me feel as foolish as the FREAKINLOUDMUSIC and yuck cig smell everywhere and there was this Teach America Convention across the street that brought all these young thing teachers who are teaching America to the aforementioned SkyRoofTooCool bar top thing, but what they were really teaching was how to wear short dresses. I just wanted a pretzel. Do bars sell pretzels?
I really just wanted to go see a movie. Dang it.

The Comic-Con. 

We need to go to another one. Why? Because as soon as we got in line to get in, my mind shut down.



I just couldn't process:
All the outfits---- BY THE WAY. I wanted to dress up as the Crystalline Entity (an obscure TNG alien/obstacle) and John nixed it. In a way, he was right. Just getting around the whole mess was enough for our first time.
All the people to watch-- there was a guy in I guess some crazy Overload with horns and a robe and a staff and all that and he was in the atm machine line- it made me laugh so much!!!
Where to walk-- we didn't have a plan. Too much.
The fact that we were living out a dream.
HOW WE WERE GOING TO MEET LEVAR BURTON. 
 I'm not going to do justice to this.
We met LeVar Burton.
Geordi.
Reading Rainbow.
Roots.
He is as nice as he appears. Duh.
I was just like this:

THE WHOLE TIME.
Mouth agape.
And it was crowded. Like fire hazard crowded.
And I am beginning to fear crowds due to my lack of depth and peripheral vision (10 eye surgeries- always remember!).

The first thing we do is get in line for our photo op with the LeVar Burton, world's nicest person. I had so much in my mind to say to him. But instead I was socially awkward. Shocker.
I think I told him: "You're awesome."
Wow, he's going to remember that.
The show, Community, has a whole deal about how Troy meets LeVar and just can't deal with it. That basically is what happened to me:LeVar Burton Overload Moment.

Watch this if you have a second... It is perfectly what happens when you meet a celebrity you have loved since childhood... It's like in Neverending Story when Atreyu is faced with who he is by walking through the 2 statues. Yes. I'm happy with that description. That is what meeting one of your childhood heroes is like.

So here is the social awkward proof of one of the best/worst moments of my life: BUT FIRST disclaimers:
1. My shirt is NOT doing me justice. I knew I didn't like side-sag shirts! I'm not expecting. I was expecting a pretzel, but it never came to pass.
2. My arms are melting.
3. My glasses are covering my "special eyes."
4. I'm a photog who doesn't know a thing about how I personally should act/pose for photos.
5. I couldn't contain my feelings.
6. John looks awesome no matter what he does, says, acts, farts, whatever. He is always awesome. I try so hard! He just is.
So here it is, you've been warned:

LeVar couldn't be nicer, cooler, more awesome. He is the real deal. And I went around saying aloud, "Well we are best friends with Geordi now soo..... Yeah..."
I also said stuff like, "I know you all want to take pics with me- please one at a time." No one laughed.

I LOVE LEVAR BURTON Y'ALL!!!!!!!!
In the LeVar Burton, meet your destiny, line was  this SUPER SWEET girl was behind us and I wish I would have lamented with her more about the beautiful gown her mother sewed for her- yes!- that was the SPOT ON replica of Kaylee's dress from Firefly (Shindig episode):

She was also upset at how we just didn't have enough time to tell LB how great he is! Too much.
So after that mind melding we went on to get our autograph (you pay for all that btw) from Brent Spiner, aka: Data.
DATA FROM STAR TREK THE NEXT FREAKING GENERATION. 
I again just stood there and almost drooled out of my mouth at him as he asked for our names.
You know my name is pronounced: Hard G Gillian. Well he goes on to talk about how he knows Gillian (Soft G) Anderson and I go, "Can you please tell her how to say her name!?!?"
Great.
Cool moves Gillian.
Tell Data to tell Gillian Anderson how to say her name correctly.
After that, I could not come back from this mind shutdown awkward barfing so I just went comatose through the rest of the day.
And no pretzel.
But it was still awesome.

We watched Nathan Fillion in action.

Pretty sure this pic was taken illegally. Our bad.

He is an entertainer. He seems to be like he is on his shows- funny, endearing, someone you want to hang with, etc. Next time, we will get his autograph as he seems super friendly and really works the crowd.

Here's a list of some of the stars that were there: ANd what I think of them by looking at them for an average of 40 sec.
Marina Sirtis- Troi- TNG- she was beautiful!! You could tell how nice she was just from looking at her!!
Michael Dorn- Worf- TNG- he seemed like his character...
Christopher Lloyd- Doc Brown!!!!!!
William Shatner (he wasn't there on Saturday)
Denise Crosby- Tasha Yar- TNG
Alice Cooper- did you  know he's an outspoken Christian??!
Michael Rooker- Merle from Walking Dead- he seemed really cool. Wore shades.
Stan Lee- you could not take any pics nearby him whatsoever.
Beth from Walking Dead- she was the size of a fairy. I barely saw her!
Jewel Staite- Kaylee- Firefly, Serenity- she's precious!
Summer Glau- River- Firefly- Serenity- she's ballerina-ish!
Adam Baldwin- From so many things-- Firefly- didn't get a good look, but pretty sure he was awesome to meet
Sean Maher- Firefly- seemed genuinely nice!
Gina Torres- Firefly - didn't see her, but sure she had an air of awesomeness
The guy who played the Governor on Walking Dead.... Still mad at him.
Jonathan Frakes- Riker from TNG- Um, he's awesome.

So guys. It's getting late in the day. Here's some pics. Note we used our old point n' shoot as we didn't have time for the big camera and all that requires. It was so crowded and I was a total girl about that.

 Wait, first let me expand these wings that took 725 hours to make.

 You know, just chilling.

 I told you it was crowded. This is the area where all the stars were.

 Me and Barf. He's his own best friend.

 He almost got his arms ripped off.

So jealous of these people- They might as well been THE TMNT characters!!!!!!!

SO yeah. I'm still recovering from the mental workout. And the physical to be honest.
It was an overload of fun and the best part about it was being with Johnicles. He is THE coolest of all the people we saw. The funniest. The most creative. And I love him so much.

Sci-fi forever y'all.