Current Situation - Changes are Hard.

This year I believe God has me focusing on the word: Progress. 

I just have peace that where we are right now in the world of parenting my little one with autism - we will not be at come Jan. 2018. "Peace that transcends all understanding." 

I have to think like that or I will lose my witness. 

In the library. 

Where I took said kid and vow to not try again until Jan. 2018. 

Or until the books are due. 

Still deciding. 

 

But this year, instead of whining I am going to educate myself. 

John and I are going to go to support groups in town. So look out surrounding areas!! I already have it on my printed out calendar- IKNOWRIGHT!?!?

I'm reading so I can learn about what is happening in my children's minds. And because books are still my best friends at times.

I'm not expecting the world to give me things, but only trusting in the Lord. (Okay that is hard, I might not meet that goal everyday...)

 

In reading, Temple Talks about Autism and Sensory Issues by Temple Grandin, I learned a snippet about the autistic brain, which happens to be a title of another book of her's that I am considering reading too. By the way, I found the Temple Talks book to be very insightful and helpful! 

 

Here's the snippet that has practically made me a neurologist-- that's a joke-- I am paraphrasing here-

Since children on the spectrum frequently have larger fear centers in the brain (Scientific fact), changes in their routine to these sweeties can be as frightening as the most terrifying thing we can think of. 

 

Think snakes in a toilet of mayo! 

 

Irate special needs parent rant following in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1: 

KISD. Please do not switch your bus drivers around for your Special Ed children. Love, Parents of Special Needs Kiddos. 

 

Lord, help Annie and her bus friends today. 

I was tempted to fb post this and realized I just need to blog about it. I don't know. Therapy for me I guess. And blogging is the way I show myself that God is in charge. 

 

It seems like special needs parents have a battlefield of conflicting thoughts to wake up to daily. I am conflicted everyday with when to gently push and when to comfort in terms of changes, because we all have to face change in our lives. 

 

Do I just say, "No more bus!" And then drive her to school and completely disembowel our homeschool window of education? While possibly teaching both my special learner and her sister- mommy swoops in and handles it! It would help Annie right now. 

But what would the life lesson be in this? 

She can endure the change of having new drivers, meeting new faces and we can help her. In fact, that is our job. 

And thankfully after a year of discovery (and whining) I have a team of therapists and teachers to help me find social stories that might help with these changes. And I have a husband is the best and holds it down. "P.O.P. I love yeh mama." (Only 1 person will get this)

 

"Start them as you intend them to finish."- Ergo, help them to help themselves.

 

This is my hardest challenge to date. 

 

I wake up, say goodbye to JNOFB in the early am and continue reading a book on special needs, autism, sensory processing and then the next day alternate with homeschooling books. 

 

Anyone else suffer from distorted thoughts? This is my life's battle and I take comfort that God has already, "overcome the world." (John 16:33). 

But that doesn't mean I don't still succumb to the dangerous thought buffet.

Everyday I put way too much on my mental plate. 

Why? Why do I continue to go through the Golden Coral line of brain food serving myself plates of "Do this today and for years to come everything will be great!!!" 

"Organize that laundry room and life will change instantly for everyone in the family!!!" 

 "Today's the day you're teaching Leelah how to do sutures on a banana like you saw that person on pinterest do so she will become a vet and fulfill her life's dreams and God's plans FOR CERTAIN! And she'll have so much fun and think back on her days filled with awesome memories and not her screaming sister who rips up her beloved things!!" 

"YOU CAN DO EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!! PUT IT ON YOUR MENTAL TRAY AND EAT/DO IT TODAY!" 

 

Then at night the realization and indigestion of my shortcomings gurgles up. My mind stomach turns against me because I couldn't eat everything and I have heartburn from trying to do too many life changing things. All good things. But not the right things. Silly Rabbit!

Sometimes I just Google my way to better parenting: 

"Christian parenting Autism books." 

Nope. Just random verses. Random people. Or great resources, with secular focus which is needed, but not fulfilling.

"Kids with autism books to help siblings"

Nope. But I do get weird crap with huge paragraphs for kids that screams: A scientist/doctor with zero personality wrote this and asked his quasi talented artistic acquaintance to illustrate it. 

 

Maybe I am the one with problems that searches for these books anyway, but there should be these things!!! I know it! 

And I know doctors can have personalities. Prescribe yourself a chill pill.

It all comes back to His truth anyway. It always does. I try to do my best and remember when I have stumbled these truths from His Word:

"Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." (Romans 8:1) 

 

source: http://dailytimewithgod.com/?m=20150123

"Those"= moms/frazzled people that don't know their head from a handbasket most days. 

 

And I have to remember that God has made me whole already. 

The wholeness will not be attained or taken hold of when either of my girls graduate, when we take a trip to the grocery store sans meltdowns, or when I become the first human cyborg hybrid with laser vision. He has made me a "new creation." Right now.

source: http://www.lovethispic.com/image/34859/a-new-creation

 

Too Many Feelings Bomb

I have so many feelings right now about things I have to blog or I'll burst. I'm way past caring who/if anyone reads these.

And to tie in to the last posts-
Homeschooling-
We are on our 8th week of the Nottingham Nichols School of Learning and loving it! Yesterday I had L use her iPod (We made her save up for it- I don't know what I need to rationalize the purchasing of it. I'm still on a, "Gameboys are expensive!!" mentality level.) to create a news report on the beginnings of the Yamato Dynasty in early Japan. Story of the World  breezing by guys- not trying to be all smart-pretentious like I'm making her learn about ancient dynasties or no supper!!!
(Sidenote: if anyone is looking for a suburban mom that dabbles in funny/haranguing life escapades that would love to venture to Japan- sign me up!! I've always wanted to go. Seeing the Grudge didn't hold me back!!)
But back to my brilliance of coming up with that report idea:
I blacked out. I don't know how that happened. It probably was a collaboration of guardian angels/Holy Spirit/L my student going, "I should make a news report about something!"

Pellets- hormone therapy.
I think I googled myself out of continuing with these. I don't like to quit anything, but I also don't like side effects... Moving on. Have I mentioned how hard it is on your body hormonally to have a hysterectomy at 26? I am looking forward to seeing a naturopath soon. I am so tired of doing the synthetic hormones for life approach. I know God is on His throne in this! The huzzy and I are working hard at making changes. Because we are old now and our bodies have decided to just be jerks.

I did my own hair highlights and no one noticed. I'm now calling them my, "ninja highlights." Subtly beautiful. Just go with it.

I'm still taking the response, "No." to a whole new level when it comes to new commitments. I'm all Meghan Trainor right now, and I kinda like it. But it also makes socializing real hard. I just need so much margin mentally and physically in my schedule these days. I do miss my friends.

But the real life pickle is in our precious and spicy little one.
Thankfully she was granted access in the PPCD- Preschool Program for Children with Disabilities.
This should be huge for her. It's preschool beginning at age 3. Now, I can tell right there judgment might commence.
"They're so young. Do children really need preschool at that age? They're only 3."
Yes, I completely get that and thought that before I had a child with autism spectrum disorder/sensory issues/temperament issues.
These kiddos need/crave/kill for routine. It has to be everyday to create new brain pathways to help them eventually find their place in the school setting/social settings.

At this point, I am thinking we will take the homeschool path with her after we give PPCD and possibly Kindergarten a try.

It is so hard.

I love her so much.

Ergo it is so hard.

3.5 hours of testing by 6-7 professionals in the school system/therapy world and they come back with "non-categorical-- autism." Meaning, at the age of 6 they will revisit her and see if that label has changed. This is where they put the, "I don't knows" in PPCD. I felt like we went through all the trials in Neverending Story- complete with these:

source

I am SO THANKFUL they were able to see past her beautiful strengths, her disarmingly cute, her beautiful blue-green eyes and saw that she struggles to self regulate. She has to work 1,000,000 times harder than typical children and it is beyond for her body's systems.

If people only knew her story. And that is just it. I want to level the playing field for her -- "She's acting out because she has had too much sensory things or not enough! Please be her friend!"
or
"You don't understand her backstory! You don't know how hard she had to fight in the womb! Just know she's doing her best!"
or
"Please stop asking if she has autism!!! Just love her the way she is and accept it and move on to help her!" -- that last one was for me personally and the powers that be cornering me in front of all the other parents at the door of her preschool to ask why we are putting her in PPCD.

I just want people to stop treating us differently while at the same time to treat us differently. It is just so hard.

It has been a year since we received the ASD (Autism Spectrum Diagnosis). October 8, 2015. I have felt like a zombie ever since honestly. Slowly coming back.

On the one hand I'm a cashew- so very thankful for the diagnosis and on the other side I'm a pistachio- oh my gosh she is having so much trouble and some days she doesn't and I don't know anything.
Mixed nuts completely.

I drop my little one off to a day out program and I see the other moms. I used to be them. Talking about typical things. I used to resent their perceived life ease in their active wear.
Their playdates where typical things happen.
Their Yukons. (Not entirely resent those, because I'm mighty proud of our POP- Paid Off Pilot!)
Their lunch plans.
How they can just run errands as they please.
How their kids don't fight looking at them in the eyes or holding their hands to cross the street.
They don't have to continually talk about, "First, then" schedules to prepare their child for EVERYTHING and God help you if you skip something.
They aren't telling their child- "PLEASE STOP YELLING!" as they leave the parking lot when they are taking a different route home because their child has completely memorized all routes everywhere and will mentally break if there is a train and a detour is needed.
Or maybe they are?

Why won't anyone call me to ask how we are drowning?

BUT I am NOT RESENTFUL GIRL anymore! I took/take that to God. Only He gets it truly and thinks I can do this. I can love this. I DO LOVE HER SO MUCH. I KNOW this is not her story. This is HIS story. She is a Phoenix! She will rise from the adoptive trauma ashes and she will- she is- doing BIG things in this world by just living everyday, trying so hard! Genesis 50:20 for life baby!

I cast my cares on the One who can take them and won't let me fail!

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.- 1 Peter 5:7

For He will give His angels charge concerning you, To guard you in all your ways. 12They will bear you up in their hands, That you do not strike your foot against a stone. 1-- Psalm 91:12

And I am not Resentful Girl, because that is an enemy tactic. If I am resentful, then I cannot be helpful to the other mamas out there that have children who are disregulated and have already experienced 10 full scale meltdowns just trying to get to Hobby Lobby to retain some sort of shred of normalcy for their other kids that didn't ask for this. And I know there are others out there no matter how they look in their Ray Bans.

I see my oldest. I don't care to brag, but golly gee she is a certified sibling rockstar. Sure, sometimes she just can't as we all- (I have "mommy headphone time" at about 4:00 pm each day where I watch Gilmore Girls by my dang self on the laptop with headphones)- BUT this girl "agape" loves her sister.

The other day I watched them in the backyard with raw awe at what God is doing. A 10 yr old and a 2 yr old- that alone is huge. How God has knitted us together. I just shake my head with amazement watching her deal with this little one who is so precious. Seeing how God is teaching her patience through fire. Wondering just how this is training her for loving on hurt people/animals in the future.

Since she was itty bitty she has wanted to be an exotic animal vet- translation- a lion vet. But ultimately, we want what God wants her to do. But I see it all so clearly even though nothing is clear.

Sister's been to enough therapy sessions, counseling sessions where she can lead a session through play with her unintentionally. I hate that on one side of token- because she even has to do that. The enemy throws heart daggers at me- Look what you did. (I'm referring to Satan here- Yes, I'm a Christian who believes in Spiritual Warfare as noted in the Bible). Sometimes I believe I did this. We were three. We were calm. We really moving along.

And then, the Holy Spirit, my heart, Jesus, snaps me out of it.

HELLO girlfriend. What if you had a biological child who had these struggles? Adoption or not, this is God ordained. He knew what my oldest needed in a sister. HE is giving her compassion, mercy, strength, TRUE FLIPPIN LOVE. And He is giving it to her in an abundance of meltdowns. Don't question it! Embrace it.

God did this, not me. And we were covered in prayer. We accept that, "What God has called us to- He will equip- has equipped us to handle."

Thank HIM!

Thank her!!! (Both the sister and the little one!)

You can't buy grace. If you could I'd go broke obtaining it. But God through this special girl is showering me with it daily.

I'd be remiss if I didn't mention my husband and gush on him. Johnicles, the Steadfast Boulder. I want to go there, but I have to get ready for the day ahead. I don't think it's going to be a lots-of-deodorant day, which is nice, but you never know!

Thank you for reading. And if you are praying for us. Thank you. It is beyond helpful.

Just Special.

I've attempted to write this post about 4 times. It's such a weird time in the world of everybody sharing everything. It's weird when you feel called to share your journey of adoption- specifically, fostering to adopt through CPS- but yet, you are talking about your precious baby's past and future. She can't give me her permission to share this because she's a baby. Well, she's every bit a toddler right now. I'm just trusting that God has prompted me to write this and that it will be an encouragement to others sharing in this journey.

What to share? What to save? Who needs to hear this? Who doesn't? And how early is too early to order a pizza?

It's all too much for me at times.

We were in the post church shuffle just trying to get some lunch.

I stepped away from Annie for a minute, and she started screaming, "MAHHHHMAAAAHHHH!"

A friend of mine witnessed it and was taken aback at the tenderness of the moment I guess of her calling me mama and missing me. I'm her real mama. I told my friend if I really stopped to ponder at all the moments that God is working or doing something in her life, I'd be in tears all day. My favorite stories are underdog stories.

I'm the mama she knows.

And yet, y'all adoption is hard. It's beyond me.

People think you are done after Gotcha Day. But when the celebration is over and the visitations with birth family stop and the lawyer bills subside- oh wait- that just happened. Oh no! I think they sensed me talking about them. Great, now we just got billed for thinking about them! (Yes, CPS adoption is free-minimal cost - just pay for lawyer fees!).

When all the hoopla stops, you are there with your child just praying for them to see you as their safe place, their family, their mama. To make eye contact. To have her smile at you. To have any kind of affection shown towards you. I feel selfish writing that.

But what about when they have trouble processing information? Or when their physiological bents take over and all they remember is surviving?

And people think because you adopt a baby they won't remember what they've been through. "Oh you got her so young so all she will know is you." Or, "She won't have any acting out, because she is so young."

Babies can remember. Babies know way more than we think.

People are posting pics of sweet moments and tender times and funny trials and I'm over here like, Lord. Please don't let my child act out towards me again in a way that is traumatic for her, me, sister, and daddy. Please let us have a good day. Please help her to speak. Please equip me. Please also let us have a dinner or time out of the house without tons of screaming. 

Special needs. Wow. I just had no idea. I still have no idea. I'm overwhelmed and tired and in such need of grace.

And now we await neurologists, visiting therapists, so many "ists! and getting evaluated and measured and on and on. But I'm not going to get all wrapped up in that. God holds her future. No matter what.

It's so worth the bad days. God did this for me. We love because He first loved us (1 John 4:19). I really think this is what life is all about- grace and love. We just are all in need of these desperately without strings or judgment, but with His Word as the best way.

be.ye.fabulous.

When someone just loves on Annie regardless of her 'tude of the moment I just want to full on hug them forever. Thank you. Thank you for loving my baby girl.

God has shown me the meaning of grace in our Annie. We are loved because He first loved us. That's it. Our actions do not warrant love. Our sin sure as heck doesn't. But guess what, we got perfect love in a Savior. If He can do that for me than I can with His help do that for her.

And I love her so much. Annie, I'm so thankful for the gift of you!

And if I hear the term, "Just a mom" one more time I will lose my witness. I hear it in women describing themselves. I see it online in various forms mostly in MLM business opportunities. For the love of Benji. Let's remove the just. I'm guilty of saying this and thinking this, but how about we look in the spiritual realm for a minute as best as our earthly eyes can muster (with my eyes, that's not much!).

We are raising up a generation. We are stepping in to do battle with forces of evil that wage war on our children (OH YOU BET I WENT THERE!). We battle with diaper wipes, ponytail holders, and hugs and mercy and fruit snacks. Moms, know you're worth. You are worth God's Son! You are warriors placed here to raise up children for the Kingdom! Don't ever forget it. 

Annie's Gotcha Glory Story: The Battle

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. - Ephesians 6:12

Annie at 9 months

People are curious. Me too. I can be a big ol' Miss Nosey Nose. We are happy to tell people up front, "And we just finalized our adoption..." We throw it out there because it always leads to good. I've given the phone number of Homes with Hope to a variety of people including: best friends, phlebotomists, store clerks, etc. etc. And we get this question the most: 

"Where did you adopt her from?" 

I'm quick to retort, "Houston, Texas" yep just right down the road! But not in a condemning way-- we just want to let people know there are kids right now that are waiting to be adopted - maybe even living on your street in a foster home. 

There was a precious 13 yr old girl that I've talked about before that we saw at one of the hearings and when the Judge asked, "Do you have any questions for me?" she replied, "I just don't know what is going to happen to me." She just wanted a forever home and it broke my heart. It was all I could do to not weep aloud. 

I take photos for something called the Heart Gallery and they are of children who have had their parental rights terminated that are waiting for adoption. I took photos for a sibling set of 5 beautiful children the other day in Katy. Just let that sink in. 

When our agency called us with the announcement that we had a baby girl, the next thing that was mentioned was: "Low legal risk." Meaning, most likely her parental rights would be terminated. 

Wait a minute though. We were only wanting to straight adopt- as in no fighting the battle of getting her bio parents rights terminated. No parent visitations. No hearings except for the final. No trips down to the Port Authority to meet with family members to discuss long term placement. NO other  plan of "relative adoption" -- JUST NONE OF THAT OKAY WE DON'T WANT TO DEAL WITH THAT. We were so scared. 

That was the reason we took a day to figure out. Could we fight this? Not in our own strength, but only with God and with all the prayers of our loved ones. 

And here's the number one excuse we had: our biological daughter. We didn't want to put her through a situation where we've heard the worst and we all know what I'm saying:

Dealing with the very real possibility of them taking her back. Reunification. 

Here's a sister from the Lord! Just kidding. See what I mean? 

I like the movie Interstellar. I think Christopher Nolan does powerful work. He makes references to parenting so often and in this particular film the main character is a father who has to make promises to his kids, but like all parents he only wants to make a promise that can be fulfilled. 

If you say you're gonna get your kid an ice cream. By ever dang golly you gotta get them an ice cream. 

Trust. Faith. Dependability. Unwavering. These are not the characteristics that go hand in hand with fostering to adopt. 

And honestly, I've already been through my share of grief, right? I mean who willingly will go into that? 

No. We don't know what God is allowing us for our "share of" anything. So that is not an excuse. 

And neither is wanting to shield our daughter from the woes of the process. Had we shielded her she wouldn't have Annie for a sister and would not have had to rely upon the Lord who is MIGHTY to save. 

Was our wanting to protect her a form of cowardice? I know that is a harsh word right there.

And so that's when we decided that we would Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego this whole deal. 

We got all up in that CPS furnace. 

If God saved us, if He allowed Annie to be ours forever- wonderful. 

If He had another plan, well then that was the plan for His daughter, His Annie, that is for His good which in turn is what we wanted for her more than wanting our own wills for her. 

Do I love my daughters more than their Abba Daddy does? Not possible.

17 If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us[a] from Your Majesty’s hand. 18 But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.”--- Daniel 3:17-18

How many details are too many to share? I have to consider that this is Annie's story and she doesn't have a verbal say in what I share and I must be mindful of that. I don't want the world (I get it - no one is really reading this!!) to know before she does all that went down. But then again, to God be the glory!

The biological mom was not compliant in the process. Not safe. She ultimately did not want to reunify.

 Annie was living with her bio grandparents until they realized they could not care for her due to their poor health and thus gave her into the care of CPS who then placed her with the loving foster home I mentioned. This was the fourth child that was going to be lost from this mom.

Had anyone told her that she was lovely? A daughter of the King of the Kings? We so pray for her to know this truth!!

During a month, I had 9 different meetings in and out of my home. I realized this would be the new normal and gave up doing my photography business. I just couldn't do that anymore.

Some of the meetings were from CPS, some from Child Advocates, and some from our agency. And some were to go to the courthouse, and some were to go to the visitations. God help us. The visitations.

Ever seen Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom? Specifically the heart ripping out scene? How many parents had NO idea that was coming up!! Well, that's exactly what the visitations are like.

You go to a CPS location. Take your baby in there. Sign in- but not your full name because God help you if they (the bio parents and or family and or random guy they thought was the bio dad but was really just a criminal with no ties that they had has the bio dad-oops!) find out your names and then go to your house and well you choose your own adventure that ending!

You wait for the parties to show up- hopefully not in the parking lot with you- see above adventure choosing. Then bio grandparents show- it's okay they are nice enough I guess? I've never met them. Never. Oh they are taking Annie back there now. Without me.

John and I were together everytime. Yes. He is missing work for that. I dare you John's office to complain. I dare you. They never did- praise God for their allowances!

The visitation lasts for an hour. The CPS caseworker takes your child back with them. I always gave them a bag of diapers, a bottle, toys, stuff to keep her busy. The bio parties show up- you never know who will show. Then they go back there with your baby. And then you hear crying. You can't do anything.

The first time the security officer said, "They always cry. Always. They know what's going on."

Wow, that's helpful anecdotal information- thank you!

They have to have an officer in the waiting room. Think real life Maury Povich.

I have no cuticles left at the end. I just keep muttering worries to John, then to God, we pray. We bring the Kindle to maybe play Candy Crush- cha right- we just sit there reading posters about how you should feed your children!

Yep. All this is going down. This process happened 3-4 times? I don't know I really blocked out stuff. It was horrible. It was comparable to visiting my dad in the hospital in his last days.

But it was a chance for us to see who we were praying for.

And it gave me compassion. I was like, "JUST SAY NO. IS THAT SO HARD?" Hello, D.A.R.E. ring a bell??? WERE YOU NOT THERE IN HEALTH CLASS??!?!??!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!

But God showed me and John, we are no better. We are all sinners. And eventually the anger and fear turned to mercy and prayers.

Finally, bio mom had too many strikes and too many fails and stopped coming and the Judge - a no nonsense woman that I have major respect for- laid the hammer and ceased her from visiting.

Even the grandparents were heard arguing and sticking up for us, "the family that loves her baby!"

And this is where I want to talk about Child Advocacy. Do it. If you don't know how to help and you are not called to adopt- please consider being a Child Advocate. You are the voice of the child. You get to see what is going on and the Judge listens to you and hold you in very high regard.

We had the most precious, professional, and genuine Child Advocate and her Supervisor. I knew they cared for Annie without a doubt. They had her back. They took the time to know us. They took the time to try to know her bio background. They meant the world to me and to Annie. Thank you Lord for them!

We went to hearings where there were DNA tests, and all sorts of tests.

John and I just stood there holding hands as the Judge, the Ad Litum, the CPS attorney, the CPS caseworker, the Child Advocates, the sometimes there bio family, all approached the bench. Shaking. Not riding the rollercoaster. Along with our phenomenal Agency Case Manager who was with us AT EVERY meeting, hearing, phone call, period. Never left our side. Extremely professional and is family to us!

It was beyond my physical and mental strength so God took over. I was on auto-human.

It was surreal and scary and supernatural. But My God delivered.

There was the pop-up Great Aunt who came on the scene at the end. That was earth shattering- or it would have been if I had let it be.

Can I just stop and tell you who was my rock? John Nichols.

That was his baby. Annie was his girl. As soon as she came home, BOOM, done deal. There was no one, no entity, that would stop him. He never surrendered as I did to fear. He never backed down. He always knew. Even with the great aunt and then the familiar kin- i.e. friend out of nowhere who both backed out- he never gave up.

And we pray that we were being a good witness through it all. Talk about an opportunity to witness. You deal with tons of people. They were watching how we would respond. We prayed. We told them we just, "Trust in the Lord." We did, but it was beyond hard.

I know we made it through this with the prayers of our faithful friends and family. Thank you.

It was harrowing. But I know there are a lot worse stories. Ours was fairly cut and dry. And I know that you can do this too!

One of the hardest parts was the grace for her bio mom. I just couldn't fathom how she did not show up to the parental rights termination hearing. It was humbling to realize John and I (and all our family) were the only ones that stood in the gap for this precious, dear heart. Sobering.

It was like if only God could open my eyes to see His vast army on that battlefield like He did in one of the battles of the Old Testament- which king was that for? Greater is they who are with us...

Bottom line: we were at the front lines of God's battle. Thank God He has already overcome the world.

I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.- John 16:33

I just want to reiterate that I do not judge- or I try so hard not to- the bio mom. Again, she chose life. I do not know where she has been. And therefore I wrote this to her and gave it to our precious Child Advocate so she could deliver it to her.

A letter to the Birth Mom. 

 

 

Annie's Gotcha Glory Story: the Homecoming

And now I can tell the FULL story. 

On Jan. 21, 2014, I received a phone call from our adoption agency, Homes with Hope. It was the call and I was at the dry cleaners.

"We've finished your home study... And we have your baby girl." 

My mind formed a thought-slushie and my eyes formed tear juice and I pulled around back and called Johnicles to tell him we had a baby! 

Our agency at the time was not able to provide many details, but God knew them all. 

Would you allow me to time travel a bit? 

My husband and I are very open with our story in hopes you will see God's marvelous workmanship throughout it. That we can only bring glory is our aim. 

John did not want to adopt in the beginning. He's such a great father, husband, everything. You see at the time I began the adopt talk I was blind in one eye and going blind in the other soon. So all he could "see" was that I could not. He could not fathom it and I do not blame him. I'm so thankful for his patience with me. 

10 eye surgeries later (Yeah, I brag on God about it all the time) and I'm seeing, praise! And I'm still talking adoption. But the idea was not God's yet in John's mind. So more and more waiting.... 

And I'd nag. 

Get convicted. Pray. And then one day God pacified my heart, "You are not waiting on him, you are waiting on me." 

It was hard. And I will say I lost hope. 

Leelah would bring up wanting a sister. I gave that to God and told her to pray. I tried to not ever sic her on dad. 

In the spring of 2013, I felt a very strong urge to pray on my knees for a baby. But I felt wrong because John was still not on board the adoption train. I sought wise counsel and a dear, dear friend told me, "Mary knew about her baby before Joseph did..." Or something to that sort. And so I prayed hard. Put that in your thought bucket for later please. 

Then John's heart began to shift in the summer of 2013. And it was a miracle. He said yes! 

We began training and by November had completed the entire process. The home study took a month to be completed. Then Jan. 21. On that day she was 2 months old.

We were told we could see our baby first on the phone of our caseworker. So we met her at McD's the next day. We hadn't confirmed yet only because we were praying and well it's a very huge decision. I knew in my heart that she was ours however and loved her already and had for forever. 

We saw her pic and to be honest could not see much as she was very swaddled. We saw black hair and big cheeks. YES. 

John being the one to carefully examine it all wanted to sleep on it. You've got to love that this man will not commit to anything until he is absolutely sure. 

Mentally exhausted, I was so very tired of waiting at this point. I pray-begged to God for John's yes. And on the way home that night we saw a shooting star. John said yes again and we then began to wait until she came home. 

We then told Leelah after we had both agreed over lunch that God was going to give her a sister. That she was not yet our forever baby, but we were going to love her as though she is. We carefully explained fostering to adopt to a then 7 yr old and prayed for God to do the rest in her little mind. She was very pensive and very excited all at once. We then went to go to Build-a-Bear so that she could make her little sister a bear. We are so thankful for the counsel our agency gave us in how to talk to our bio daughter, it was such a sweet time. 

Then we got another call that we could see her in person! Sort of like when you've had a c-section (I guess) and then you can see the baby. We had prayed that she was in a loving foster home and she was! Prayer answered indeed! So we took Leelah out of school- OHYESWEDIDDON'TYOUEVENGOTHERE- and we all went to where else? Chick-fil-A where miracles happen and chicken is holy. 

I held her in my arms and she fit perfectly. Literally, figuratively, she was a Nichols. We all held her with her foster mom and foster sisters in tow. If the Chick-fil-A staff only knew the Kingdom work that was being done. I was not allowed to take pics and that was hard. But my mind's eye focused so much on her precious cheeks, her nugget feet and her blue eyes. That's right, her eyes are blue, just like John. Nice details God. 

Then we had to say goodbye. I had bought her diapers, outfits, everything she needed and we had to let her go until the cps and attorneys agreed for her to switch to us. Her at the time foster parents were looking for boys. :) 

The next wait was so hard and the stress was visible on my face as a planet appeared on my lip. I just could not take not having her home with me. Not being able to tell the world we had a baby and to pray for her life and it was so incomplete. Moms need their birdies in their nest! Before we get to her homecoming, please know I don't mean to make such a huge deal out of this but it is a HUGE deal. 

This child was saved. We are forever grateful for her bio mom for choosing life. That being said, her bio mom was in a VERY unsafe place. It is amazing she is still alive. In the spring when I was praying, God was knitting her together in her bio mom's unsafe, dangerous womb with the care of the most masterful, artistic, technical seamstress My God performed a miracle and shielded my baby from the danger, the evil that was bombarding her. There is no scientific reason that my baby did not suffer severe defects other than God's Almighty Hands were holding her and protecting her. And He was doing this in Spring of 2013. Exactly when I was told by Him to pray for her. 

For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.

Psalm 139:13-14

People need to understand. Adoption through CPS and period is not something you go lightly into. Especially fostering to adopt. You want to see the Spiritual battle between good and evil? There is no better way than to adopt. 

On March 5, 2014 our darling Annie McKee Nichols came home. She was brought to our door by 2 mighty, mighty warriors for the Lord and in my eyes, Angels- our agency caseworkers. They carried all that belonged to her. A bag, a car seat, a tummy mat and a few changes of clothes. That was it. And most of that was from her foster parents. But God made a way. He is all that she needed and He gave us this blessing:

Then we loaded her up in the car and we went to go pick up Sissy from school. 

I have to end this part now, because said baby needs to get up from her nap, but I have to share this. When I just knew we should adopt I rested on this verse- Isaiah 41:20. Please check this amazingness out--- see the date I wrote next to the verse- 3/5/12 and then see when she came home--- 3/5/14. 

Amen. 

The end of one story the beginning of another.

Tomorrow Johnicles and I will head down to a CPS office to read the infamous "Redacted Report" of our precious little one.

What is this pray tell?

It's an 800-900 page document citing her history (All 14 months of it) as well as any info of her bio family that is deemed as important for us to know. All of the names that we do not need to know are blacked out/redacted. And it's a major step - required to be completed prior to finalizing and signing the adoption placement papers.

And it's gonna be kind of hard. Scratch that, real hard. Coming out of the Target -Popcorn- What Errands- Need- to- Be- Run- Oh- Golly- I- Don't- Know -What- to- Have- for- Dinner- Bubble- Hard. Prayers are appreciated and welcomed and cherished by us.

Because that is a family tree that is broken, but to God not irreparable. Will you believe with me what His Word says,  "with God all things are possible...?" - Matthew 19:26

And hey, I'm not saying our family tree is perfect either. No one's is. But thank you Lord for the gift of Your Mighty Gardening Hands that can graft this little sapling on to our tree.

He is changing the story.

We think of this as Annie's Choose Your Own Adventure story and we are turning the page to page 83, where we God rescues her and brings her home to us to live with us forever.

Yes, it could have been the other page option a very, very hard life in terrible conditions. Can God still prevail? Um, He already has in that situation and others like it and in this one!

I'm so thankful for this gift. It's been very hard. I'm not going to say it hasn't been. It's only for those that God has called. And honestly, I believe that to be all Christians. I know that is bold to say. But the Word says we are called to look after the orphans and widows, does it not?

I know God has changed my story too. I'm so glad for that.

Praying for all that God has called to consider being a part of your own adoption story. God can use you too, you just need to get a little dirty in His garden.

As Is.

We went to court for what we thought was going to be a simple status review hearing for our foster to adopt case. What ended up happening was nothing less than the Hand of God moving and speeding things along through the Judge. IT was awesome y'all.

The Judge realizing all the time that has gone on and the progress made decided to hurry it up and thus knocked 1-3 months off of the whole adoption. Praise God.

So now as we stage our home to get ready to sell, (Yes, Lord willing we are going to be doing Apartment Life ministry known as CARES) we are also knocking off a to-do list for things that have to be done prior to the finalization of our baby's adoption.

To redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons. And because you are sons, God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, crying, “Abba! Father!” So you are no longer a slave, but a son, and if a son, then an heir through God.-- Gal. 4:5-7

When I was a little girl, I helped out at my dad's car dealership. He sold pre-owned- actually let's be honest "pre-owned" wasn't even a term back then, "used" luxury vehicles. Mostly Mercedes. Or as we called them, "chuggers" because their old diesel engines made funny chug chug chug sounds. And I didn't really help out, I mostly played the Ms. Pac Man machine in the warehouse where we kept all the inventory. Yes, I will dominate you if you play me at that game. Don't even go there girlfriend!

What always interested me were the cars "stickers." They told the mileage, if it had a warranty or if it was to be sold "as is." Funny sidenote, I used to answer the phones and I'd say, "Alpine Auto all books and records!" I think it's because I always heard them say the cars came with all "books and records."

I just thought the term, "As Is" was interesting.

One of the slew of things we have to do before we get to adopt Annie is take her to a Psychologist for a "Developmental" or a psych evaluation.

Now the first thing I pictured was her looking at Warshak test- inkblots- and going, "Dahhh" and then "dahhh" (her word for dog) over and over. I laughed. Because that's what I do when I don't understand things. And then I realized I really had to take my baby in for a psych eval and got sweaty. Because with laughter, that's also my body's defense mechanism.

So I head down to the posh side of town- which for a SAHM is a treat no matter what kind of appt it is- Galleria, um yeah! We head up to the top floor and then I pray that I don't get the eval because sisters we all know I ain't right in the head- never have been!

The doc is nice enough and I can tell he isn't a believer straight away just tale-tell signs so I drop my faith flags- "We've been really blessed with her. We are praying for her.."

He asks me all sorts of questions I can barely answer because I don't have her medical history and I didn't carry her or deliver her- she was delivered to us. I get nervous because the info I do have is not pretty. It's the info that would devastate you to hear and it's stuff that you never that you would ever cohort with let alone take into your life as your own and raise knowing-
- you don't have and will never have all the medical, psychological, emotional details for
- your baby did not have the clean, pure womb where you measured your caffeine intake or cut out completely- no quite the opposite
- you have no blood ties to be able to predict anything
These facts or lack thereof really hit you in the face everytime you take your adopted love in for a check up or meet a new someone that's going to give them care or see if they should allow you to care for her and it makes you go, wow, I'm completely and utterly out of control on this. I have zero control.

I have zero input.

Nothing.

I'm, we, are taking this darling, precious and in our eyes perfect child as is.

I just answer the questions to the best of my abilities.

At the end he tells me that she might be predisposed to various behavioral things or she might not. She might have trouble with this or that. But on the whole, we really "lucked out" and that she is as sweet as she can be.

We didn't luck out sir, God did all of this. With all due respect to his profession, he does not know my baby's future or her past the God, Creator of all things, has that planned out and has since before time began and He made my baby and all babies just flipping perfect.

She is fearfully and wonderfully (Psalm 139:14) made by golly and there is nothing or no one that will tell me different.

She is lovely.

She is a daughter of the King of Kings!

She is absolutely not a mistake. Her life has meaning and we are so glad her mom made that one good choice and chose life!!

Amen and amen.

His office sent a report. Now, I'm a literature lover. I read every pamphlet, every syllabus, every handout, but this one, naaaah. I read the first couple of sentences and something, Holy Spirit, made me stop.

God has already given me a report. I don't need to sit and speculate on what God has planned because He has already done the thing. And it is good my friends.

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." - John 16:33

Thank you God for adopting me as is. Thank you for loving me how I am so I can love others just as they are.

1. but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.- Romans 5:8

We are looking forward to signing adoption placement papers at the end of February and hopefully, we pray, the Gotcha Day in March! 

Please Won't You Be My Neighbor?

Source: http://blog.history.pcusa.org/2013/02/11/remembering-mr-rogers/

When you were a little 80's kid watching Mr. Roger's Neighborhood, did you ever stop and think to yourself, "How can anyone be this nice?" I did. 

Yep, at 5 I had trust issues. 

I also downed mass quantities of parmesan cheese when no one was looking. Picture a little kid with glasses chugging down that cheese from a can like a little Italian girl ninja. 

I was also very confused as to why he partially changed his clothes when he came in the door. 

But golly, I loved that man. He just set my heart right. KnowwhutImeanEarl? (Oh Ernest. You were so before your time- but I got you.) 

Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ernest_P._Worrell

Before I get all Andy Rooney on this mug talkin' 'bout too-small-un-toyed cereal boxes of now and lamenting of yesteryear, I'm going to stop because I can never come back from that. 

So what's new with you guys? We are 32 days out from being done with the whole 90 days to contest our foster to adoption. Meaning, on or around Feb. 9 things will start happening. Things like petitioning for adoption and things like making plans for dare I say it: Gotcha Day. 

Let me break this down right quick.... 

For those that don't know, we are fostering to adopt a precious baby girl through an agency, through CPS. Let me stop right there and humbly educate a few. Did you know that there are agencies out there that will help you adopt through CPS -- you really should not go it alone-- and that all you pay for is legal fees. And in some cases, not even that? Did you know that the training for our agency was done with 4 different classes as opposed to the CPS's 9 sessions? I sidetracked to mention these facts because so many people see cost as an excuse not to adopt. Please, please email me if you live in Houston and need the name of a loving, great adoption agency! 

During this 90 day period from the last trial is where anyone from our dear one's bio family can come forward to contest our keeping her and try to keep her. However. we've already had 2 different people come forward prior to the trial. You know that was a barrel of monkeys- replace barrel with "glass shard" and monkeys with "sharks." One redacted her plea and one did not fit the bill in any way, shape or form. God worked that mess out. 

In my mind, this is all just earthly details. 

I'm focused on that Kingdom vision-- that we are her forever family, that God has it all under His control, on His timeline and in His Filofax. Dang, those things are expensive!!! Have you seen those planners? Like $75 for one. Nope. 

So, day 32. To have a little visual we made this: 

Each link has a different person's name or something regarding our adoption to pray for. It's been real neat. And helpful. 

In fostering to adopt, you have almost zero certainty of things. But isn't that how life is when you think about it? 

I've said from the beginning, yes we could lose our baby. There is that chance. But I also don't know how much time I have left with Johnicles, or Lbug or anyone I love. So it's been a faith journey not only for us, but also for our family and close friends who are also waiting, praying, and believing. Thank you all so much for cheering us on and for being our water breaks. Don't they do that for runners? I don't know I'm in the 0.0 club for life.

I used to run track though in middle school, no lie, my nickname was "Wonder Bread." I don't know why. I do like bread! For those that run/ran you know that feeling where you feel all shakey-leg but you see the end of the race and so your innards make a push to get there? That is where we are at in this adoption case. So close. 

What else.. What else.. Oh we have a bearded dragon, a "beardy" named Chuck Norris. And he's a big divo y'all. Almost Mariah Carey level. With his basking light he's always gotta be hot and have certain lights. His faux log. His daily salads with spring mix and various squashes.  All the things he shan't ever eat- like a silly Mogwai. There was even talk that he would need misting-- um, no line drawn thanks!

His dusted crickets. Which, I had a fit about because I really, really detest crickets. Our 8 y o daughter asked Santa for this thing. Saying, "I tend to do better with more complicated pets." And that girl has done a fabulous job I must say feeding him everyday, reading all sorts of manuals, and never complaining about his maintenance. Which is high.... 

This is the kid who has drawn up plans of "L.J's Safari Experience" -- an animal experience with animals from the continents of Australia and Africa. Oh yeah, and a gift shop that her mom can work at. She's not joking.

And I recently got my upper wisdom teeth removed at 34 years young. And subsequently died. It was horrible. I got an infection and a Godfather resemblance face. The pain meds hardly kicked it. 

So there's that. 

Oh and there's this: 

Can't quite make it out? It says, "The Grinch Lives Here" and it's 4 feet tall and it's pointing at my house. Let that sink in. 

You make one little personal post on FB all in jest and with a light heart about how the next door neighbor's music is too loud and you don't want their smoker pit in front of your house for 3 days with explicit music blaring past midnight but again I tell you it was in a funny tone and then you get - see above. I even took the post down after an hour thinking, yeah that's probably not encouraging or uplifting. But it was funny. 

I noticed the sign as I was pulling out this was early December BTW. My 8 yr old did not see it thank goodness. 

Being a mom what would you do? 

You'd get home asap after dropping your kid off. 

You'd stay in your stretchy pants.

You'd forego a shower and get dat foam brush so fast.

Print out an image of the Grinch. 

Pull out an old photo backdrop your hubby made from wood and his blood. 

And you'd paint a lifesize Grinch on that bad boy so your kid wouldn't come home and have a full on freak out sad fest of confusion. 

Right? 

So that's what I did y'all. By God's grace.

My legs hurt for daaaaaays after painting and drawing for 2 hrs.

But when my kid came home and was like- "Oh look at that. They did that. We did that. How funny!" I knew it was all worth it.

What are we supposed to do?
I realized that yes, Johnicles had gone outside and asked for the music to come down, but maybe we could have been more direct. So I typed up an apology letter, and made up a gift basket after Signgeddon day. I did feel bad. Because they had gotten us all wrong and there had to be a reason. And it was time to remedy that.

John and I both discussed when I called to tell him about the sign that we want to be Christians in this situation. Yes, I was hurt, crying and upset. But it was the perfect time to flip it for the positive. To let them know we were sorry for not doing what God has called us to do on this street- show the love of Jesus.
I say and show this story to brag on God. He turned this situation around. I wanted to just wallow and have people feel sorry for me- me, a Grinch!? And my older kid seeing this-- the horror. If ever I had an excuse to go Mama Bear/Badger- now was the time!
 But God told John and me - be the Grinch! Embrace it. He Gen. 50:20 it big time. 20 You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.

And guess what? We got a bbq invite for New Years Eve and had pleasantries. Granted it was Antarctica cold so we couldn't stay, but it was a step on the Moon for us. And things are good. And I will go anywhere for free guacamole. I'm not ashamed. It was dark and I couldn't find the chips, but I found some fries boy howdy and tore that up. Fries and guacamole can work in a pinch! John showed up with the baby and immediately had to go home because his eyes were frozen.

So many people were so sweet and rallied for us. It was awesome. I really appreciated the people who genuinely cared and didn't just want the juicy details. It was refreshing. But it was funny because at home John- whom I call JNOFB on facebook- John Not On Facebook- we had little back and forths. I'm pro FB and he's anti it. He thought it had gotten us into all this and he was right. But at the same time, I see it as a way to show off God moving.

And now, due to many reasons, we are considering moving on. It really has nothing to do with the sign at all- how silly would that be, right!? It has everything to do with where we feel God is calling us to next. We are praying, purging, garage sale-ing, and in the process of painting walls and doors and things that scream us in an effort to neutralize the personality. It might not end up being the time, but we will see!

We are seeing where God leads. We know it will be good!