What it's all about.

It's been almost 2 months since our Squishy Annie came home. The joy is so immense y'all.

And since it was Annie time and we were adjusting to the system that is foster to adopt through CPS/DFPS (remember my last post about the visitations {which have been ceased- PRAISE!} and the hearings, house visits, paperwork, etc.), it was decided and realized that God led me to take a break from my photog business.

 I mean, I still had the facilitating- God leads- Lovely Girls Club and parenting and house stuff and cheese eating and this and all the thats. And I got to use the word: "hiatus" which made me feel plumb fancy.

Since being on hiatus things have happened. Things meaning realizations.

That whole wife thing.

Let me backtrack a little here.

At the beginning of 2014, I was reading a book, Unglued by Lysa TerKurst.

In the book she talks about the pressure she had felt to be whatever image of a wife she had in her mind and how that image did NOT line up at all with the day to day reality of it all. Anyone relate much to this grandness?
I do. Y'all gotta know- I'm a freaking mess and I'm tired of it!

• Never having dinner ready or made or planned or thawed or thought about. 
• Never having all rooms clean at once and laundry done- this is an impossibility. For sure. 
• Zero energy from 5pm-7pm PRIME FAMILY TIME. 
• Just being un-gameplannish. 
• The worst at time mgmt. 
• Hair unbrushed- but really, brushing wouldn't help anyway. 
• That glazed look in my eye- oh wait, that's from all the eye surgeries. I've had 10. Have I mentioned that before?? 8-)

So....
When she said this, I was so relieved. This book is incredible by the way. It's up there for me with Boundaries: 

 and Captivating:


Okay I didn't mean for that to get into a book advertisement, but you should all read those books asap and then come back and read this in 2 years.

She talks about what released her from this horrific pressure of being the perfect wife - pressure that my husband has NEVER put on me but the stupid enemy has- by asking her hubby to pick 3 things he would like her to attempt to accomplish that would help a brothah out.

Let me just go ahead and say that I value my God given role as a wife. Yes, like Candace Cameron/DJ Tanner Forever, I support God's plan for what a wife is-- (You really need to read Captivating and their take on what the Bible says "helpmate" means)-- to be my husband's helpmate.
And I'm also the kinda gal that is all about pouring into other gals and telling them they can do anything with Jesus!
Yes. You can be both of those. It is possible.
Leelah beat a boy in a running race the other day and I have to say I did un-humbly celebrate with her. It just so happens he is one of those kids that is a rudey-patootie. I'm sorry I'm besmirching another kid, but he's been asking for it. We all know the ones.
Please help me, Lord. 

So he gave me my 3. I had to press him for it. I'm tellin' y'all he is so chill and easy like that.
He said he'd like to eat more at home.
----- Translation--- I need to plan--- have time to plan---- have time to cook----TIME!
To not overcommit so much.
----- Translation--- I need to plan--- I need to really consider what I'm saying no to when I say yes to something--- more home time--- TIME!
And this was the hardest to get out of him-- to keep the high traffic areas tidy.
Johnicles is saint. He cleans up after himself. He always does the dishes- untold. He helps with the girls' feedings, diapers whatever! So I totally get this. And what do I need to do it-- TIME!

That whole work from home thing.
Working from home is everywhere and I know lots who succeed with it.
I do think it can lead into a very subtle trap. And that's all I will say on that.

I'm so thankful for the business that God made out of my creative heart. And how He healed my eyes so I could use them to give Him glory and to help our family become debt free (twice!).

But there are so many things that go into it that are so costly. 

This whole break I thought was because of Annie.

But what happened was I saw what I have been missing with Leelah.

There are women that can manage both and enjoy it and work from home and keep that separated. There are women that have to work out of the home or they want to and I'm not judging. God bless those women. If He calls you, He equips me. I'm not called to do this.
That is not what He has planned for me. Not at this time anyway.


Leelah has needs that have taken me a while to learn.  She's emotionally intense- which has wonderful positives and needy negatives. She's a quality-time person. That's her love language (another great read!!).
There's that word again:
time. 
It's all about time.  She needs it. My home needs it. I need it.

So this photog business- it's a Sat. morning and afternoon gig ( I quit doing Sundays a long time ago out of what God put on my heart as to keep that day set a part). BUT the editing is forever and ongoing and at every free time-- but I never complained because I was glad and loved the creativity of all of it. Plus, there's the whole running a business hat. Not too big of deal for me, but let's not forget it's a business.

This past weekend we got to stay home on Saturday morning instead of festivals or errands or etc. and I just did crafts with Leelah. I noticed she kept saying: "I just love this time. I love you. This is so fun."

We don't get to play like that after school because of life happening. 

That sweet Saturday moment my heart was sad about realizing the past I had lost and overjoyed at the chance of the future. I knew then that my business is no longer.
I need to get back in business with my family. 
The break has been awesome. Rooms are starting to get more organized. Starting. Home dinners are more frequent. And even the procrastination is getting better. 

Other piddly things that aren't so piddly.
And don't get me started on the sales taxes and the end of year taxes. Small businesses are so oppressively taxed. I'm only taking home around 30%. So all that time to earn 30%. 
And I was never made to run the race. I always open the door no one is using because I hate to go through the crowd all going through the door. It's just the way it is.

I want to be creative on my own terms I guess is what I'm trying to say.

So the pause has become a stop on the VHS of my business. And I'm finally taking deep breaths.

Budgeting: Battling the Shame-Monster

Today as I renewed our family's E-Meals plans and added a breakfast one to it (and no, I'm not getting anything to endorse or talk about them) I felt that yucky ol' shame-monster attack again.

Does anyone else know what I'm talking about!?
I live with this daily until I remind myself that God does not use shame at all and that that feeling is one of the enemy's fave tactics to use in getting me off track mentally.

"Therefore is now no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus." Romans 8:1

I was told by a wise person that self, you, me can be included in "those in Christ Jesus." Give yourself grace.

SO GO SUCK ON A LEMON SHAME-MONSTER.

Update to our Debt-Free story: 
Well we became debt free (except the house) last year in either March or April (see below post as to why I'm not mentally sound in remembering things right now) and friends, we fell of the wagon just a titch.

Why? The Car.

Oh for the love of Benji and holy things, the car. It's a trap that gets families back into debt I tell you!

I was going to tell you about our urgent need for more space in a vehicle, but it grossed me out to read all the excuses so I deleted that paragraph.

 This is/was a true need.

And with my business, I had supplemented almost all of the amount needed to purchase the used vehicle we had in our sights. Praise upon praise!

Did you happen to catch the "almost all?" So we purchased the new(old) car and still had to finance about 2,000. So we are back in debt right now for $2,000. And I'm sore about it.

There were so many things that persuaded us:

•  time ticking (I think that's always the biggest trap/set up), 
• the true need for more space,
• the availability of the car we wanted (It's pretty popular around these parts which I don't like that it's popular but oh well.)
•  the low(ish) mileage
• ultimately the price. It was thousands less- like $3,000-$5,000 less than every dealership in town.

Guys, don't fall into the trap. We could have saved up money and it would have been fine. Fine.

But there comes in the shame again.

Are we going to pay this off before summer- we hope so and that's our goal!

But back to the E-Meals.

You see along this journey of living as Dave Ramsey says, "Like no one else so you can live like no one else" I have realized that there are things I am NOT skilled at that I must outsource so I will remain a for the most part: calm mom.

Disclaimer: If you are truly in $1,000's of debt- then this might not be something you can do at this point. Look at it as a challenge and attack it with everything you have got along with your spouse and pray like no tomorrow to get it conquered as a team!!!!
IF YOU ARE MARRIED YOU CANNOT DO THIS SOLO. It doesn't work. I'm so sorry. You guys have to be on the same page- a literal budget page.

I suck at planning out meals.
The worst.
Breakfast is a joke. Lunch is such a mish-mash. Dinner - oh wait, that's not thawed out....

It's just not my strong suit. I can barely cook the meals let alone plan out an entire menu. I'm not this lady!:




Or what the hay- her either:


Can I tell you how good it feels to know what you suck at so you can just take that off the "Skills to master list??"

Other things I do not shine at: 
-Gift giving. I once gave someone a pack of gum and sunglasses. And by once I mean this past December. I'm an awful person.
-Clothes shopping. It might help my darling daughter if her mother bought an actual outfit instead of a cute shirt with balloons on it. "But it's got BALLOONS on it!!!" I've really had to learn that I need to buy the entire outfit if I can or else suffer later trying to match and waste time and then start randomingly yelling at the laundry basket.
-Ironing. We budget for dry-cleaning. Why? BECAUSE THIS IS 2014 and husband's work clothes and like Sweet Brown the wise sage says, "Ain't nobody got time for that!" No really, it used to take hours. HOURS.
-My hair. Bless my heart.
I'm on medicine that makes my hair fall out and yours would too if you had a hysterectomy at 26 years old. It's not cute. My fancy shampoo I had to order comes in today. So Katy/Brookshire community get ready to see me like this!:


I guess what my friend's trying to say is (Old School ref.) that you gotta know what you can't do and make peace with that and budget for it. And then keep on budgeting when things get messed up.

It's been years since we started our bi-week budget meetings and we are STILL doing them and we just learned that we need to keep the budget out to make changes when things come up. Y'all we just learned this!!!!!!!!

Like with the buffer amount. Dave Ramsey recommends a zero-balance budget sheet. And we do not do this. We are going off-canon from this because the buffer is there for all the "school fundraisers-spirit-night-tshirt-random-crud" things that happen in 2 weeks.

Beware of the false-sense of security of the buffer- keep a tally on that mess!!!!

I thought these might help a person out who is needing to know a little more about budgeting and the ins and outs and the stuff no one really talks about. Godspeed on your journey! And NO CREDIT CARDS!!!! (We have 1 that we have our ez-tag for our toll road usage and that is it- but we need to change it to just withdraw from our bank acct.!)

Most importantly: Grace.

Frugalicious Friday. I lost count. :)

Owning your own business. The backstory of how mine originated out of a prayer to be debt free.
Update- now with pics!
Lots of people have asked for my story of how I got to be a photographer and run my own business, Adventure Photo & Design. I know I have not been in business a year yet, but please let me share the blessings and spotlight God's work through my business. This story of God fulfilling not just our family's immediate prayer need but also my heart cries has been an encouragement to several who are in the same place, so why not share it more?
This is long. Grab some toast.

If you were to meet me in person, I'm pretty sure you'd say that I'm a dead ringer for a Microbiologist*.

*INSANE CACKLE LAUGHTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*

Well, I do have an interest in diseases, I think they are crazy-interesting. I read 3/4 of the Hot Zone, I have what Mayo Clinic called, "An Unspecified Connective Tissue Disorder", and I wear glasses! So lay off! But alas, I earned my business degree and majored in marketing as one of the PROUDEST MEMBERS OF THE FIGHTIN' TEXAS AGGIE CLASS OF 2003- WHOOP!!!!!

This picture is disgusting. But the Fork in My Hat- got me props from the Sec. of Defense, past prez of Texas aTm: Dr. Gates. As I shook his hand he said, "Love the hat, love the hat!" Stick a fork in me baby, I was DONE! Thanks John for making that fork happen on my hat.
Jan. 2004:
I got out into the business world and just knew I'd be in a loft-ish type room maybe with a brick wall and filled with people rocking vests sitting around a table filled with pizza while we are throwing out ideas for ad campaigns while other Gap clothed people blew off steam by playing ping pong in the background 'cus you know being creative is hard work.
WRONG. REALITY.
"JILLIAN, WHERE'S THE COFFEE???"
Me, coming to, "What? Where am I?" Inner thought: I don't know how to make coffee Mz. Business Lady who's just an assistant to some dude!!!???
And thus, I promptly muppet-walked off with my hands glued to my sides in my best Lerner New York business outfit to find a coffee machine, just so I could totally not put water in the machine and thus set off crazy alarms- literally and figuratively. Oh I learned how to do a day's work, but my creative love and need died inside that day.
I was never able to move to Dallas, Miami, NY, LA, or wherever you go for real marketing purposes. I never tried to move I should say and was talked out of leaving, not by John, my sweetheart fo' life, but by family. And sadly, I listened.
And speaking of John, I'm so very glad I stayed in H'town, Katy, really. That's where God wanted me to be.
I mean, could you really see a doof like me in New York, i.e. Cool People Central? No.

So I temped here and there and interviewed and did all those businessy things. I failed miserably. It was not a good fit for me, that business world. I made a lot of mistakes. And then I was asked to do something unethical at one of my last jobs - what you mean that really happens!?- and I said no and left that afternoon. I know not all businesses are like this, but there was a message in all of it for me:
YOU ARE NOT CUT OUT FOR THIS.
I wasn't a Christian at the time, or else that would have read:
YOU WERE NOT MADE FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Oh things would have been easier if I was a Christ follower back then.

2006:
The best little blessing happened. We had our little Leelahbug. Then I began work at my current and most favorite job: being a mommy to this little girl. This is definitely the hardest job of all. That's cliche, but very true. I mean that's your heart you just gave birth to and now you have to watch as your little baby heart gets its little tiny heel pricked over and over again? Oh this is just too much I daresay!!!
But what a ride. What love that words can't describe. For her and for John.

2007-2010:
Began walk with Jesus. Best decision ever. Funny that this began the hardest trials of my life:
My father accepting Christ, then losing him a month later on Earth (but gaining him in Heaven)
Surgeries and pain, no more children.


Surgeries and no sight, but gaining the best sight of all: His.
No walking and not understanding, but leaning on loved ones.
Counseling for the past and learning for the future.
And the funny part was that these were the times that truly grew me up. I finally understood the underlying job assignment that I couldn't quite place all along: To love others with His love. How else could He have shown me without these trials? For me, there was no other way and I'm thankful for them.

Aug. 2011:
And then Leelahbug grew up enough to go to school. Tears. I had been promoted I guess to a Kindergartener Mom.

Sept. 2011:
I was beginning to realize that my life was not lived out of a doctor's office anymore. I had time to use a planner for fun things. This took a while to get used to. There's a reason why Leelah can't swim, I couldn't really take her to lessons or to the pool for 3 years of her life. What is this normal? Understanding non-medical normal is strange, but God gently shepherded John and I back to living unafraid.
We began to revisit our debt snowball and see that we might be able to start again on the work we began in Feb. of 2007 before all the trauma began.

We now had normal worries, like let's tackle this debt. So I thought, I guess I need to get a job.
I tried applying here and there. My heart wasn't in it. And I felt no peace.

And we decided to pray. John and I did as a team during a routine business meeting. We wrote out our fears, these new normal worries, and asked God to help us find a way. I even asked for a job to help support my family.
I began to long for the creative bent to be realized again, but then shut it down.
For 3 weeks, the Holy Spirit had been urging me to ask God, "God, I want to be creative and use my talents you gave me. That's what really brings me joy!"
So I did. Here's what He said to my heart:
"You love seeing beautiful visions of creativity. Why don't you create those visions yourself?"
Me: "Oh sure, Lord. Just make pictures that are artistic. How in the world do I do that?"
Lord/Holy Spirit: "I made you what you are. Be who I made you to be."
And then I got this feeling, "Like be a photographer and make my own art pictures that I love? I have no idea how to do that. There are so many photographers already. I'm embarrassed! I'm so not worthy."
And He flooded peace into my heart and told me: "I made you this way and it's time to enjoy your gift."

There are some that are scoffing at this. I understand it sounds very foolish and almost comical to you.

I did enjoy what I learned in business school. I loved the idea of running my own business and I LOVED the idea of marketing and branding. The consistency, the creativity, and I love people- particularly little ones.

So I told John what God had put on my heart and honestly, I was embarrassed to tell an engineer that God told me I should be a photographer. John was of course thinking- we don't even have a dslr. So we budgeted for a new one on ebay after I researched- well first I taught myself how a dslr works- and then I researched and settled on one.

I told a select few about God's vision for me all the while feeling embarrassed for one because it seemed to come out of nowhere to them and two- it was a "vision". But really, what glory to God that someone who was eating Ramen noodles completely blinded after one of 10 eye surgeries one year, could be beginning a photography business the next???

So I asked a friend who has one of the cutest babies in existence if I could do a Secret Garden themed shoot for her sweetie pie. And I had tears of joy the whole time I shot her photos of her sweet God-crafted face. Such peace, joy and excitement during the shoot. I read up on how to work my new dslr- not the fanciest but it works- and God took over. Guys. I don't know how but I learned FAST.

I do know how, God showed me. And being a photog, isn't just about taking pics, it's a business you run and a brand you upkeep and put out there. There's the editing. I have always had a knack for figuring out software and programs, but didn't know what to do with that. God had hardwired me to use Photoshop and I didn't even realize it!!! But it makes so much sense to me, it's scary. And I love editing.

I love dealing with the clients and treating them like stars for their big photo shoot.
Getting those genuine smiles out.
Editing the work.
All the details, God has equipped me for and I thank Him.

What does this have to do with Frugaliciousness? 2 things: I did not go into debt to start this business. I started in the black by budgeting for my equipment. I started small. I didn't go all in.
And secondly, now I'm able to help support my family and we are rolling on with our debt snowball. And the fear of debt controlling us is gone and is replaced with a plan to be debt free in a little over a year and a half. All the money I make goes to our debt snowball. Praise Jesus!

The best part is this:
God can be glorified in your work. I pray before every photo shoot, for God to be in control and to bless the photoees with wonderful images for them to enjoy. He then gives me the vision and ideas for what to shoot each time.
I give all the credit to Him for this vision that He has given me. I told John during the tough times in 2010 when I was unable to walk, "Oh I just want to go on an adventure someday." And I didn't even know what that meant. Now my photography company is named: Adventure Photo & Design. God lets me be creative and make art while being nice to people. And I get to give back by doing volunteer work with it to. I plan on applying to be a Red Thread Photographer next Sept. for families that have just adopted children and need family portraits taken with their new God-appointed child. His work is beautiful. http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif

Maybe you are doing a job that was never yours to do. I would suggest praying without abandon to a God that will excite your heart to do what you were made to do. He took Peter and made him a fisher of men, how crazy did that sound to Peter?
Thank you for reading my story, His story.

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men,"
Colossians 3:23
Here's my new website- please enjoy the Lord's work in my photos at Adventure Photo & Design: Photography with a Vision.