Thursday, November 21, 2013

The Beauty of Messing Up.

I'm not really sold on the title of this posting.

 It sounds a little too daily devosh to me. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I'm thankful for those Proverbs 31 Ministry daily emails let me tell you as those are sometimes the only "in the Word" I get to enjoy.

Anyone else struggle with perfectionism? Am I right ladies??

Well, good let's be friends then but you can't judge me when I bring up cheese within the first 5 minutes of meeting you in person.

Last week I made a promise to bring Leelah lunch and eat with her. And then I forgot about it and my dear, dear friend texted me and it reminded me.

I immediately was overcome with grief and started bawling. I knew how excited my daughter was when I sprung the idea on her that morning and I had failed. I had gone to Hobby Lobby. HOBBY LOBBY. In my defense, I had done 3 other errands prior- and that was part of the problem. Poor time management.

A while back I went to hear a speaker speak on Perfectionism and it pretty much leveled my heart with truth in my life. Completely secular, her words were more spirit-filled to me then all get out.

You see I didn't realize I was such a perfectionist until I heard all the indicators she spoke of. I didn't think I was one because I mess up so frequently and I'm just one of those people that never seem to have it together and just make self-deprecating jokes to win friends in spite of the goofs and gaffs.

But it all makes sense. The intense guilt and shame brought on by simple daily mistakes. The desire to have the unattainable- like a "container store closet" or well laid out plans for fill-in-the-blank 2 weeks out or my hair brushed daily. The need to accomplish so stinkin' much all the time. Yuck.

The speaker spoke on the glory of saying, "Oh well." Just saying those 2 words when you mess up and then the world is right again. So I latched on to that- by golly I'm gonna be perfect at messing up now!- and have employed the O.W. method with much success.

It's been great.

Until LunchGeddon 2013.

Oh my.

If you saw a crying beast of a mom driving down 1463, that was me.

So I tried and tried to say Oh Well. I did. And more tears came. So I prayed for God to take the horror away and heal Leelah all at once. I prayed for His forgiveness. I know some of y'all are beginning to think, "Whoa, this chick has 'sues." And I do.

God broke it down for me to go to her and apologize - hence the 1463 part. So I got there and begged the office staff that does not know me at all to please, please let me see my daughter. It was weird.

They considered taking her out and having me check her back in unexcused, until I stared at them with a face that looked like this: 

And they obliged.

And then Lbug came out trying to look sad, but immediately smiling at me and hugged and hugged me. Boy you know I wanted to re-cry right there. But I held it in so as not to traumatize her and the office staff and I went through the whole sphiel:

Mommy really messed up and forgot and I'm SO SORRY. I understand if you were mad and sad at mommy. I'd like to ask for your forgiveness please. You are so important to mommy! I'd like to take you on a date tonight to your fave place and then have a fun time at the soda pop store. 

She just kept hugging me and was the sweetest. I got to receive Jesus's grace from my child. And I will never forget her forgiveness.

Had I been perfect and not messed up- I would not have gotten to really receive and grasp her grace that day. And she got to bestow grace, which is always a good thing for a child or anyone to practice.

I had lunch with her this week and went to every person that comforted her and told them thank you personally. You should have seen the little smiles on their faces. Of course they probably think Leelah's mom is super weird and there might be a stranger danger email about me, but I just had to give thanks.

Being a perfectionist does not allow for any grace. Without grace, how am I gonna experience Jesus and show grace to others? It just won't work for me anymore. I have to let that go. I blame Martha and the whole state of Utah and it's crafters for my struggle! JK.

The thing is my daughter, my husband and me- we are all perfectionists.

So we are all having to incorporate our "Oh wells" daily.

I'm a work in progress on this and it's starting to be comical to me to see all the ways God is having me break free from this bondage of having to be ______________.

I'm interested in reading this: Perfectionism: What's Bad About Being Too Good by Miriam Adderholdt.

We got a little one on the way and I just know I will forget more promises and receive more grace.

Maybe I'll start thanking God right in the middle of a mess up for the lesson He's teaching me.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 2 Cor. 12:9

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