It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees.
I really prayed before I wrote this post today.
God has showered me with His grace and understanding this past week. I do mean "showered" in the literal sense, because I had a shower revelation. Moms, know these well with little ones underfoot sometimes your bathroom is your great escape, an ever present fortress of solitude. Or at least it still is for me.
This past July when I became unable to walk due to crazy, sick hip pain, is when I had started to pray for the Lord to show me exactly what unconditional love is and means. I remember praying this about a week before we were to receive our students from China. One of our pastors had explained to us 2 years ago that the best way to witness to others: show them that Jesus-love! Plain and simple.
In my family of origin, unfortunately I feel I received love only due to the degree of my performance. How did this knowledge come to pass- read: The Search for Significance by Robert McGee, but read it only if you want to change! So I knew this hard truth and what was I to do about it? I knew that I believed and, God willing, attempted and attempt to show unconditional love to John and Leelahbug. The whole idea of receiving was where I was just plumb clueless.
A timeline if you will:
Mid-July 2010:My Prayer:
Lord, please help me to get this idea of receiving unconditional love so that I might fully understand why You just love me for no other reason than that I am Yours. Help me to understand this.
I heard God speak to my heart with the words, "Please know how much I love you."
Insane hip pain began. The doctor MRI's the hip and determined (falsely) that I had a stress fracture in the femoral neck. (this has been ruled out and now determined to be unexplained swelling in the bone marrow of the femoral neck).
From July 2010-Present:
I have had to rely on everyone for all sorts of help: driving me around, watching my kid, many yummy meals, housekeeping, encouragement, going to the store for milk, you name it and Jesus has provided it through my friends. At first, I resisted- wait, wait, I can do stuff!! I got it! No I didn't. Jesus did though.
John has wheeled me all over the country- no kidding! In airports, through blizzards, the Mall of America, etc. To over 20 doctors for answers.
Leelah has had a preschooler's class in anatomy to learn all about how bones work, how MRI's work. She has had so many sweet friends of mine fill in for her and shuttle her around and love her as if she were their own.
I am/was lame. God let me be lame. Lame without any answers really.
All because of this condition is how I learned what unconditional love is and how to receive it.
On this one condition, I have gotten a front row seat at the Jesus Live concert.
This is what He revealed to me this past week. That when you are in the body of Christ, you are loved- period. Doesn't matter what you can give back at that moment. You will get your chance to repay it (as one of my dearest friends always says!)
Thank you Father for this lesson. It was all worth it. Thank you friends for being his teaching instruments.