Showing posts with label grief. Show all posts
Showing posts with label grief. Show all posts

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

That Thursday: Hoping in Grief.

Tomorrow will be six years since I've seen my dad on earth.


With this blog, I try but I know I fail ("We all stumble...") to purpose my posts for "building others up" a la 1 Thess. 5:11.

 You know what's interesting? I get a lot of hits on a post I wrote several years ago: Teaching Kids about Heaven.

It's not me that is doing the teaching, it's the Bible. And honestly we Christians are being bullied on this certainty. There is major fear concerning this topic, naturally, the topic of death, passing on, etc. And I completely understand it.

But I also understand that in that fear and bullying, the ultimate bully, the devil wins. And I do not mean that in a facetious tone. I fully believe that the devil is real. Funny that as I was typing this sentence I got this weird message on Blogger: "An error occurred while trying to save or publish your post. Please try again." Oh, I will keep trying.

Because you need to know, without doubt, and your kids need to know that "death has lost its sting."
54 When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: “Death has been swallowed up in victory.”[a]

55 “Where, O death, is your victory?
    Where, O death, is your sting?”[b]
56 The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law.
1 Cor. 15:54-56
  
As Christians, we have victory through Jesus Christ over death. 

 Yesterday while we were driving Leelah began to divulge her confusion regarding Tornadoes. Leelah has bouts of anxiety about certain issues: flu shots (she's already worried for a 3 sec. shot in Sept.), random things, and tornadoes.  We all have things we have to work on for our missions here on Earth, this is just one of hers and it's been one of mine as well. 

She asked why God would allow horrible things like Tornadoes to happen. She just couldn't wrap her head around it. 

A dear friend gave me a wonderful, wonderful devotional about 2 weeks after my father graduated to Heaven. The One Year Book of Hope by Nancy Guthrie.

Up until this moment, I was in my late 20's I had not watched very many sad movies and I had only been to one funeral. It was natural for me to omit deeply sad events in my life. To me, I was protecting myself, but ultimately I was stunting my growth in learning to process grief. Process. Not get over. You do not get over grief. 

Anyone that tells you that is not a friend who has experienced or grown through trials of grief. Their intentions may be the kindest. And that is another thing, for those grieving, get ready to be a Grace giver. People will not understand your pain, how can they? They will forget. They will ask too much or too little and you will have to cut them some slack. You might want to prayerfully ask for help with that. I sure had to.

In the book there is a particular devotional (that's just a verse or thought usually written in a devotional book designed to get your mind focused on God and it gives you a little nugget of knowledge) that talks about why bad things happen to good people. This resource was huge for me in my grief.

So I quickly prayed for God to help me explain to this little one, to build her up, to encourage her that God knows what He is doing even when it seems so horrendous. "ALL things work together for good for those who are called according to His purposes." Romans 8:28

We talked about Gigi (my dad) and how he had not known Jesus personally for 60 years. God used the storm of cancer to bring him home to Him. I told her that Gigi could see Jesus when he had cancer in people bringing us meals, people paging his prayer pager, us praying continually for him, people loving on him, random money from kind people (God) showing up, etc. He was surrounded by Jesus. I told her it was the sweetest times even though it was the hardest. Just like the disciples. Joseph. And so many more. 
I think she got it. She told me she did. I can't worry about it. I will just have faith that God will work it out in her heart with the Holy Spirit. 

My mom, dad and I were sitting in Murphy's Deli inside Methodist about 5 days before my dad graduated. We were trying to grab lunch, but none of us could eat. We didn't know at the time that the cancer had returned, it should have been obvious as my dad weighed 88 lbs at that point. 4 months prior he had the cancer on his bone in his hip and had a hip replacement. I don't know why God kept us from knowing it had come back with a vengeance that week. The devil has tried many, many times to beat me up about this. God won't let my heart succumb to this spiritual battle. 

This was the last time we would eat together as a family. 

And my dad looked at us and I now know he was aware of what was happening. I was not. I just wasn't and I don't know why. Forever optimistic I guess. 

We were waiting on a room for him in the hospital because he had a nasty bout of bronchitis he couldn't shake. He looks at us, and asks if he was going to be okay. I assured him he was going to be fine. How tough he was. He started to worry more aloud. He never did that. Finally, I reminded him that he knew Jesus, "Right dad? Remember?" 

"Yeah I know." He said. This is his testimony if you have time. He accepted Jesus one month prior to his passing with the help of my mom and I'm sure, hundreds of friends praying. You are never too late to know Him. 

He had said his last words several days prior/ They were very strained and so precious, "I love you Gilliebob." I used to bob my head while learning to walk as a baby. 

I was at home when my mom called. I was really sick with a stomach bug and had been sleeping at the hospital and was told I needed to go home and rest. I hate that I wasn't there.

 I cried all the tears in my body. John got me off the ground and we called my best friend, Lesly to come and watch our princess. 

I could only cry and say to her, "It's okay." And she with the words she always has said, "No, it's not." It was exactly what I needed to hear. 
  
I have no words about what I saw at the hospital. It was surreal and I just know he was gone even though he was right there. He was with Jesus I just had to keep saying. 

The kind chaplain came and held our hands and told us about perhaps starting a new tradition, like planting a tree. We took that to heart and planted a rose bush in honor of him on the one year mark. 

Because I'm a Christian, hope defines my life. And that's why I will end by telling you that my dad visited me in a dream a few days after May 29, 2008. He was smiling. There was gold light everywhere. He was restored. He told me, "I am okay. I love you." 

It pardoned my heart from the horridness I felt telling him that he was going to be okay. He really was! 
It also helped take away the horrible image I had of the shell of the man who had always been the strongest. He was healed. 

I know God used that as a vision to give my heart peace. It was a miracle. You don't have to believe, I do. 

This past Spring in Lovely Girls Club, I got to talk about Jesus' BFF, Lazarus. And this morning I reread his story again. Highly recommend- John 11. Something I realized today was that it was that event, Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead (4 days of death in fact) that seemed to be a real turning point in the conversions of many Jews. It spurred even more interest in The Way (Christianity) and it also drew a lot more heat from the Pharisees, the non-believing Jews.

The death of Lazarus was one of the tipping points of Jesus being crucified which was the way we, that believe, could all be saved from sin forever and have that victory over death.

Yet another demonstration of God using bad things for good, the "saving of many lives." Gen. 50:20

Have hope friends.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Dad's Day

Today will be 4 years since my dad graduated to Heaven. To think that he had just accepted Jesus a month before his graduation is only from God. Please enjoy this collage I made and if you have the time, please check out this post from August 2008 as I think it really says it best. Didn't want to "phone it in" today, but thought why improve upon it. And please, go hug or call your loved ones today, right now. Stop reading this and do it!

Monday, September 19, 2011

Much More Uptrodden...

Don't you love the freedom to completely make up your own words? I wanted this post to be about how the Lord has helped me traverse through downtroddenness to become much more "uptrodden". After, I'm done writing this post I plan on contacting Webster's. But really, this is for the women out there that are struggling with everyone having a child when you cannot or when God says 'not yet my child'.

So this past spring I was tore up, excuse me, toe' up with grief over processing my inability to have more kiddos. If you know me, I pretty much love every child ever made. They are more fun than a barrel of monkeys filled with ice cream going down a water slide made of bubbles in the land of Care-A-Lot. Their innocence and sweetness are unparalelled at times. Anyhoo, so I was sad, downcast and downtrodden and maybe, dare I say, a bitter Betty.

Did I mention that during the spring I had over 20 friends that were/are pregnant? Praise Jesus for these sweet blessings!! It was weird because I truly, truly was excited for them but at the same time felt as if my heart was being pulverized with several miniature sledge-o-matics all at once. The enemy even tried to get me to stop going around all these dear pregnant women. That's how he works you know, isolation.

I don't know why, but the Holy Spirit sure did, I just decided one day to write out a list of all the pregnant women I knew. I even titled it, "Pregsies". And then, God told me to pray over this list. Turning point. As soon as I started praying over this list something funny happened (well maybe more hormones started getting right) but I was becoming less bitter and more content and then even feeling like I was a shepherd. I began to seek out the pregsies to let them know I was praying for them. It became a little teeny ministry that only the Lord and I knew about and I felt better.

Simultaneously, I was involved in this amazing- real word amazing not Bachelor show overused word amazing- Bible study class- Spirit Hunger- by the gifted author and teacher and listener of Jesus, Gari Meacham, and Gari was speaking about the scripture about Hannah who was also toe' up about her babylessness, seen here in 1 Samuel 1:15-16-
“I am a woman who is deeply troubled. I have not been drinking wine or beer; I was pouring out my soul to the LORD. 16 Do not take your servant for a wicked woman; I have been praying here out of my great anguish and grief.”
But then she confronted the Lord about her grief and then, lo and behold, "...her face was no longer downcast." - 1 Samuel 1:18.

By the way, I'm more than thankful for God bringing Gari and His teachings into my life. You guys have got to check her ministry out: Truly Fed Ministries. She is currently writing her next book, Spirit Hunger and God is using her to bless so many.

So back to my story, after praying for these dear friends with sincere joy that the Lord had to muster up in me, I was no longer downcast too. My grief was replaced with happily expecting for these expecting women and waiting with them to meet their new little lovelies.

My prayer is that you sweet women who know this grief and pain would also know that God can restore your heart with joy. He can rebuild that garden and cultivate your heart. You are just as beautiful as those women with babies. You are just as much a woman. You are precious in His sight and He is going to work it all out! And hey, you might be a mom to spiritual children you didn't even realize. Stay strong sister!

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

I'm Challenged.

So I've mentioned that I challenged myself to read a book a week.


This is me reading Prayer: Does it Really Make a Difference. This is a real living thing called a "Blobfish" NO LIE!!! They exist at crazy deep subsea surfaces. Leelah and John are obsessed with it right now.

Yeah, I got a little perturbed at the book I was reading, Prayer: Does it really make a difference by Phillip Yancey and also got sent into a downward spiral of sadness over it (excuses!), ergo my timeline got a little screwy with it. I ALREADY HAD QUESTIONS. I DON'T WANT TO READ ABOUT MORE QUESTIONS!!!!! I tried y'all. I got to chapter 18 and mentally threw up. As my mom-in-love always says, "There are too many good books out there." Plus, she's a high school librarian! How's that for credibility!?

Back on track now with Jackie Kendall (a firecracker of a person- love her!) and her book: Free Yourself to Love: The Liberating Power of Forgiveness. I've even been asked by a friend to review it on her blog! Which I'm a little over-excited about. So far in a word: inspiring! Yes, it's got some heavy stuff she has dealt with, but so do I and it's put out there with an attempt to get it moving and get towards healing. Not just dropped on the table like a bowl of sadness staring at you (Phillip Yancey!). I'm sorry! I respect him as an author and respect his education, but and period.

Here's some books on my list for the summer:
-Rebecca by Daphne du Maurier(Mom-in-love's rec)
-Overcoming Emotions that Destroy by Chip Ingram (whatever do you mean? I don't have those kind of emotions? Sarcasm on full capacity)
-The Help by Kathryn Stockett
-The Same Kind of Different As Me by Denver Moore and Ron Hall (my Aunt-in-love knows the authors!?!)
-The Mom Factor by Cloud and Townsend
-Maybe a sci-fi book that John would recommend (trying to read some of my friend's favorites)
-Authentic Faith by Gary Thomas
-Truly Fed by Gari Meacham (Thankfully I don't have an eating disorder, but I sure do feel comfortable going to food when I'm sad, happy, mad, bored, etc.)
-Living a Prayer Life by Jennifer Kennedy Dean (Want to get on the JKD bus!)

So I'm open to suggestions here. I don't want to deter anyone from commenting although I think my blog might have some kind of stank on it anyway that deters people naturally, but please don't say Francine Rivers. I've tried. She goes to places I can't go. Places that I don't understand why anyone else would want to go with her.

As far as life stuff. Glurgh. I've been "holy benched" it seems. Not really doing much of anything with a purpose: to grieve. Mainly I just have pity parties. Does that count as grieving? Or I sit around with my arms crossed whining, "But it's summer and I don't wanna grieeeeeve!"

My counselor told me a genius piece of advice: schedule heavy thinking times everyday. Just one time (hr, 30min) a day to journal it all out, cry to God, talk to Him, vent to Him. And then done. Now, my brain always wants to open up the HT time throughout the day, I have to tell it "No! We'll think about this tomorrow!" And write it down if it's just so pressing for retrospection tomorrow. What do you think? Let me tell you, the day I don't have my HT times and let my grieving heart run a marathon all over my brain- is not a good day. Not a good day for anyone in my home sadly. Just thought I'd share!

Friday, April 29, 2011

Good Grief

I'm going to be brazen and say it, "I'm 30 and I have had a hysterectomy." Did I get rid of all the male readers yet? No? Still some left? Well, you are brave and mighty. What's that? You're my husband- the only man that would keep reading this because you live it? I love you John.

I'm learning that Grief is Good. No, not greed, I said grief!
Lately, I've been emotionally punched in the face by the fact that I can no longer have kids.
It all started this past week with a dental hygeneist's comments to me while I was basically drooling and incapacitated with my mouth fixed open. "I can't imagine having to have a hysterectomy at such a young age. That must be devestating." Whoa lady. You are already scraping all up on my teeth, but you got a little bit of my heart in there too. GEESH.

Due to EXTREME (neon-colors!!) Endometriosis when I was 26, I had to have 1 laproscopic (scrape off) procedure. Then it grew back in 2 weeks. At this time, my sweet doc looked at me and started me down the road of maybe we should just take care of this. We took out the ut (pronounced: "yout" it's a medical term). Then guess what, it came back in 2 weeks again. Then we took out the ov's next.

Why, you ask, did we make this decision instead of sticking with it to pop out more kids (I do have one miracle from the Lord, Leelah-praise!)? There were several reasons:
1. Insane pain in all my membranes. I could not stand up straight. Daily it was awful. I had a 13month old at the time and I could not take care of her.
2. The pregnancy I had with Leelah was rooough. To quote my ob my delivery was "one of the worst deliveries in 25 yrs of his practice". An intern saw it and did NOT come back to the L&D dept. Any expecting ladies out there, I am so sorry if I have alarmed you. Listen up, I'm a freakazoid 2000 and I do not follow suit medically. DO NOT BE AFRAID!!! Really, you are going to do fine!

So now what. Well, until I went to see my counselor- doy, come on you gotta know I go see one: jacked up crazy medical sagas every day, loss of parent, etc., etc., I didn't even realize that I was supposed to grieve something like that. She politely interrupted me to tell me that I had "piggybacked grief".

So now I'm grieving what I should have grieved almost 4 years ago and it's hard. As a wonderful lady advised me, don't worry about trying to be a witness to the world about this. Sometimes you are doing great if you just get out of bed in the morning. Thank God for that advice.

What has helped me grieve this?
1. Seeking wise counsel. Go do it! Throw that stigma in the trash.
2. Crying in front of your kid- it's okay. They need to see you process sadness or else how will they, right?
3. Know your triggers: avoid or guard up when around them. There are well-intentioned, friendly enough people out there that just don't get it. They will say stupid stuff. Yeah, I said stupid. Know what you are going up against if you are stepping out of your bubble. For instance, going to a High School Reunion where people have no clue what you've been through or to your workplace. Pray for grace. You get to practice a lot -and remember that!!! Oh I see Janey Know-Nothing today, so God won't you please give me grace with her? Or bad hearing at least!
Maybe even set a little boundary with that person: "I really don't feel comfortable talking about this dental hygeneist lady!!"
4. Having friends who have "the filter". People that have dealt with similar situations. YOU CAN NOT DO THIS ALONE. No way. Ain't happening. If you feel isolated, that's straight up the enemy, Satan.

I've got to be honest and share that when people complain about having a lot of kids or the kids they have, that is my soul kryptonite. I can't hang. True, I don't understand what it's like to have enough kids to be considered as your own day care. I'm sure I'd be an even hotter mess if I did! God knows what He is doing with me. But this is my trigger that God is working through and I'm thankful for the wisdom He's given me to realize that.

And Grief is Good. Because before it was just denial and ignorance. Soon after grief will come joy and maturity.
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you." James 1:2-5