Don't you love the freedom to completely make up your own words? I wanted this post to be about how the Lord has helped me traverse through downtroddenness to become much more "uptrodden". After, I'm done writing this post I plan on contacting Webster's. But really, this is for the women out there that are struggling with everyone having a child when you cannot or when God says 'not yet my child'.
So this past spring I was tore up, excuse me, toe' up with grief over processing my inability to have more kiddos. If you know me, I pretty much love every child ever made. They are more fun than a barrel of monkeys filled with ice cream going down a water slide made of bubbles in the land of Care-A-Lot. Their innocence and sweetness are unparalelled at times. Anyhoo, so I was sad, downcast and downtrodden and maybe, dare I say, a bitter Betty.
Did I mention that during the spring I had over 20 friends that were/are pregnant? Praise Jesus for these sweet blessings!! It was weird because I truly, truly was excited for them but at the same time felt as if my heart was being pulverized with several miniature sledge-o-matics all at once. The enemy even tried to get me to stop going around all these dear pregnant women. That's how he works you know, isolation.
I don't know why, but the Holy Spirit sure did, I just decided one day to write out a list of all the pregnant women I knew. I even titled it, "Pregsies". And then, God told me to pray over this list. Turning point. As soon as I started praying over this list something funny happened (well maybe more hormones started getting right) but I was becoming less bitter and more content and then even feeling like I was a shepherd. I began to seek out the pregsies to let them know I was praying for them. It became a little teeny ministry that only the Lord and I knew about and I felt better.
Simultaneously, I was involved in this amazing- real word amazing not Bachelor show overused word amazing- Bible study class- Spirit Hunger- by the gifted author and teacher and listener of Jesus, Gari Meacham, and Gari was speaking about the scripture about Hannah who was also toe' up about her babylessness, seen here in 1 Samuel 1:15-16-
“I am a woman who is deeply troubled. I have not been drinking wine or beer; I was pouring out my soul to the LORD. 16 Do not take your servant for a wicked woman; I have been praying here out of my great anguish and grief.”
But then she confronted the Lord about her grief and then, lo and behold, "...her face was no longer downcast." - 1 Samuel 1:18.
By the way, I'm more than thankful for God bringing Gari and His teachings into my life. You guys have got to check her ministry out: Truly Fed Ministries. She is currently writing her next book, Spirit Hunger and God is using her to bless so many.
So back to my story, after praying for these dear friends with sincere joy that the Lord had to muster up in me, I was no longer downcast too. My grief was replaced with happily expecting for these expecting women and waiting with them to meet their new little lovelies.
My prayer is that you sweet women who know this grief and pain would also know that God can restore your heart with joy. He can rebuild that garden and cultivate your heart. You are just as beautiful as those women with babies. You are just as much a woman. You are precious in His sight and He is going to work it all out! And hey, you might be a mom to spiritual children you didn't even realize. Stay strong sister!