Hey y'all. I'm being honest. Flat-out honest. Literally.
And look since I'm tellin' this is me:
I've had cataracts since I was 4 yrs old.
Got a hysterectomy due to stupid endometriosis at 26.
Gallbladder out at 20. Ain't no one got time for gallbladder sludge, yo.
Of course, you know my fave thing to say, "I've had 10 eye surgeries. Hi, I'm Gillian, not Jillian."
Dislocated my hip in high school.
Couldn't walk because my joints were whack for pretty much all of 2010.
I have osteopenia. Everyone's doing it.
I'm on hormones that are so synthetic they might as well say, Johnson & Johnson as the manufacturer.
Oh and I wear progressive glasses.
I can no longer night-drive due to all the surgeries, thus I'm a reverse-vampire.
I've done water aerobics on account of all of the above.
And I complain a lot.
Yes. I'm a 85 yr old 32 yr old. No offense, to my fabulous 85 yr old friends.
So the other day when I was having some, er, pain in well, a friend close to my heart. I thought, of course I need a mammo.
Oh crap.
I need a mammo.
NoooooooooooooooooooooOooooooooooooooooooooOOooooooooooooooooooooOOOO.
I can be put under for general anesthesia like a pro, but that - well I've heard stories as we all have.
And I'm sorry. But is it just me or is everyone getting cancer these days? That sucks. My heart is broken in so many pieces right now for so many people battling and mourning. Could North Korea just hurry up already? I KNOW WHERE I'M GOING DANG IT. And it's Cancer-Free, thankyouverymuchpleasepassthejelly!
So my grandmother supposedly had b cancer at age 29!?!?! That is at least what I've been told.
LADIES: IF YOU HAVE A FAM MEMBER WHO HAS HAD B CANCER- YOU NEED TO GO GET A MAMMY 10 YEARS FROM WHEN THAT FAM MEMBER WAS DIAGNOSED. So that means I should have gone in at 19.
SAY WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA????
So I'm, ahem, a little late. But still what I feel - freakishly early- like everything else in my life.
They call me in- but get this- the lady actually pronounces my name right so I kind of sat there looking confused and almost didn't realize it was my turn!!!
I walk into this waiting area and it's beautiful, serene, spa-like. So I was jazzed up! Where's the fruit-float-water!?! Look, I know I got nothin' wrong with my doo-dads. So I'm gonna just relax-
"Oh I'm sorry maam- see that gentleman fixing the coffee machine over there?? Yeah, you will have to wait in your dressing room please."
What? Oh. Okay.
So I wait in the 2x2 dressing room in the dark basically. Oh well, I got my Kindle!
And I'm sorry if this is making some uncomfortable.
Uncomfortable is also the word I would and Memorial Hermann Katy uses for Mammogram.
I had to get a diagnostic one due to the pain and the family history. Let's just skip to the end- no spots! Except for a little cyst which is normal. They suggested I lay off the caffeine (cha, right lady!) and come back yearly for a screening...
Again, I'm sorry for the details here.
And I was also deemed, "The Most Entertaining Patient of the Day." According to the Mammo-Tech.
Probably because I asked her if they had nets to catch things... In case... Things... Busted off.... This joke-credit goes to John.
I also at one point just said, "I don't know where to put my hands!"
And, "I'm sorry I'm so sixth grade, laugh, laugh..."
It's a defense mechanism.
Why am I sharing this before 10 on a Monday? I know there are some ladies out there who might be weird like me, and look, if I can do it. You can too.
Budget for it and go.
And then budget for the lunch at Escalante's afterwards because you were slightly traumatized...
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